West Temple Life

...

2012-01-03T17:30:00.002-05:00

I still don't know what to say.
that's why i haven't written.

my heart still aches for my son.
the tears still trickle.
my chest still tightens.
i cry in the shower.
i cry before i go to sleep.
i sit and stare at his picture.
i hold a doll like it is my son
... but i hug it tighter than i could if it were him.
i still blame myself.
i still wish.
memories still snap into my consciousness.
my heart breaks over and over.
i move forward in time
dealing with all this and trying to harmonize my son's death into my life.
it never really works.
i "pinterest" and look at all the positive quotes I have collected
all the beauty and inspiration i have collected.
i see my psychiatrist.
i go to a support group.
i don't watch the news or read newspapers.
i do card exchanges, gift exchanges, get togethers.
i attend candle lightings, butterfly releases, birthdays for children that are not here.
i talk to my son.
i cry to him.
i wish i could dream of him.

The old water pump at Chase Farm. It used to be right beside the barn.

the holidays are the days before we learned our healthy baby's heart stopped. the days when we were anticipating our second child who was supposed to arrive towards the end of January. On this day I was hoping that maybe he would be born early because I knew that now his lungs and heart were mature enough for him to be healthy and survive. My then seven year old daughter was even able to hear her brothers heartbeat and make him kick at my appointment two days earlier! we were unaware that we would not get our baby boy and brother. Yes, he would be born early but he would never get a birth certificate. we would never hear him cry, see his eyes look into ours, see his toes and fingers wiggle... we would never get to take him home to love and nurture. He was healthy and strong until his heart stopped beating the day before he was stillborn at 38 weeks. Born early like I had wanted... but maybe I hadn't specified that he was supposed to be alive as well? i thought that it was a given that I would want my son to be alive...guess not. my mistake? he was perfect in every way except he had no heartbeat and no breath, which in reality is far from perfect. he was perfect even with this lack of perfection. He seemed to be sleeping too peacefully. i wanted him to wake up. i wanted his bright red lips to turn pink. his bluish skin to turn pink...like his sister's was when she was born only without the "cottage cheese-y" stuff she had all over her from being an emergency c-section. i didn't want to be afraid of him... but i was. i'm sorry sweetpea.

memories make us who we are. it's too bad that some of them hurt so much but memories are all I have of Kai. i would not get rid of the memories of my time with him for anything. I will deal with the pain and heartbreak as long as I can have the memories of my son.

2011-11-16T13:51:00.001-05:00

Race Point Life Saving Stn. Cape Cod. Breeches Buoy apparatus.

Depression comes very quickly, easily and frequently. I wish contentment came just as easily, quickly and frequently. Then... maybe... life would be a bit more bearable.

Provincetown

2011-11-07T15:42:00.000-05:00

Kai, your sister was thinking of you on our first day in Provincetown.
She wrote your name on the beach while we were walking. It's low tide so no waves for her to battle!
We all miss you.

Oct. 15th

2011-10-15T01:50:00.001-04:00

Today, Oct. 15th, is International Infant Loss Day. Light a candle in your window at 7 pm until 8 pm in remembrance of all the babies that left their families much too soon. We were going to go down to the beach to light our candle but it is supposed to rain all day. Instead we will join a group remembrance at a hospital in Mississauga.
I love/hate these gatherings.
I hate going because it makes me so sad to see so many people whose lives have been affected by infant loss. I hate going because I don't want to be an Infant Loss parent!
I love going because it gives me a chance to really cry without feeling self conscious or silly. I love going because it gives me a chance to talk to others who have been there and understand that I am not constantly going crazy!
I posted the information as my status on facebook yesterday. Several of my friends wrote back that they will light a candle for Kai. Thank you! It warms my heart to know that some of my friends are caring enough to reply and light a candle. It helps to know that they aren't afraid to mention him, remember him, or do something for him. They are SO wonderful and I am thankful for them.

Why is it like this?

2011-10-05T00:30:00.001-04:00

It's SO difficult sometimes!

I go out. I do things. I see people. I still feel bad. I see new mommies everywhere. I see new babies everywhere. I see older new mommies everywhere. I feel like I am being stabbed in the stomach. I feel like I'm being punished for something but I don't know what. I know that I can get through it. But sometimes, like today, I wonder if it I am supposed to. My psych says that I'm thinking this way because I'm getting depressed... uh-huh... I know. I tell myself... I'm amazing... I have two beautiful children (unfortunately the youngest one died before he had a chance to be born!)... I have a caring loving husband... I have a healthy, smart, beautiful daughter... I'm talented... I'm strong... I'm smart.......... and I feel like I'm trying to brainwash myself. Why can't I just be happy with what I have? What is wrong with me?!?!

Stillbirth

2011-10-05T00:04:00.002-04:00

...Stillbirth is an "Equal Opportunity Destroyer of Dreams". It cuts across age lines, color lines, race lines, class lines, and all lines. Norman Rockwell type mothers can have stillbirths and "drug addicted mothers" can have live births. At present there's no way to predict who will be next. Though stillbirth is as random as lightening strikes in a thunderstorm it is rarely caused by anything the mother did or didn't do during her pregnancy.

It is the last unknown mystery of obstetrics....

2 years 8 months and still...

2011-09-08T00:42:00.000-04:00

A photo that I took last fall. I think I'll do another this fall on a different kind of leaf.

I spent today looking at the facebook infant loss groups I belong to. Finding comfort in all the posts. A terrible kind of comfort. In my everyday world of being I feel very alone. I can't casually talk about how I am really feeling. I can't say to the guy at the cafe, "Thanks for the tea. Have a good day. Mine will suck because I lost my son before he was born and no one knows why. My daughter is lonely and really, really wanted a sibling and I disappointed her. We have been trying to get pregnant naturally for more than a year and a half and all I do is miscarry but there is nothing wrong with me or my husband aside from our age.". But that is what I want to talk about!

I was crushed last weekend when my daughter called from her friend's house asking if she could stay until after dinner because someone was going to be visiting and bringing their baby. I felt like... a failure. And I was jealous of this woman with a baby who could so easily catch my daughter's attention before they had even met! I want the new mommies exercise group that meets in the park across from my house to go away... or at least let me look after their babies while they exercise. I hate feeling this way. I don't like having negative feelings for people I don't know. I don't like feeling jealous because someone has a baby to coo over, love and hold and mine never made it home. I don't like feeling like I can't rely on my own body or my own mind. I know it takes time and that even with time the emptiness will still be there but it will become more a part of me. I will adapt and learn to live with that emptiness and it will become my new normal. But I have never had an old normal! Actually, my old normal was being chronically depressed for the last thirty years. I'm unsure of how to incorporate the new emptiness and sadness with the old emptiness and sadness... this is so hard... I've begun collecting words of wisdom, quotes, and inspiration on Pinterest. I read them over and over to myself. Some express how I feel (and I didn't even write them so that means someone else out there feels the same way!), some are ways in which to think, some are reminders and some just feel right. My therapist told me I should pin them up on the walls so I have begun making little quote scrapbook pages in Scrapblog. I'll get them printed as photos and put them up beside my dresser. I hope it works... if I ever finish making them.

Misery loves company.
It's true. It is no good to feel this kind of misery and have no one to talk about it with - no one to share it with who can understand and who isn't afraid to let you know or see that they understand. Yes, I have my husband and he is wonderful but he's not very good at being emotional support in terms of talking and expressing. He listens. But a lot of the time I feel like I'm talking to a mannequin. He tries... but I don't think he gets that I need more than someone who will listen and look after making sure I have tea to drink or that I've taken my meds.

Would it be incorrect or macabre to have an infant loss social club where we could get together face to face to talk and give each other hugs and tissues over wine and cheese? I really need talking about Kai, the emotions tied to losing him, the memories to be part of my everyday world. Not just the world In my head or in my house.

One of my favourites from a photographer on DeviantArt, ~engravedwithMusic. She's even from Canada!

My answers

2011-07-14T00:58:00.000-04:00

Yes. I know that at age 44 the chances of me having a totally healthy baby is not great. I know that my chances of getting pregnant at my age are not good.

No. I don't think that I would be putting my child at risk because of my age. There is always a risk no mtter what the age.

Yes, I realize the chances of my child having Down's Syndrome are much higher at me age.

Yes. I know I have a wonderful, healthy daughter and yes, I do love her with all my heart. Just because I want another child doesn't mean I would love her less. Do people who have a second, third or fourth child love their first born less?

Yes. I know that some people don't even have one child. Does that mean no-one should have a child or want a child?

Yes, I'm being selfish for wanting another child. There are pretty much ONLY selfish reasons for wanting a child. But that is not necessarily a bad thing. WHo says to themselves, "I don't want to give birth to a child but I'll do it anyway to populate my country or because it's my duty!"?

If Kai had lived would you still be saying these stupid things to me about trying to have another child?

Yes, I will be an older parent and the odds of me dying of old age are greater... but I unfortunately know young parents who have died of illness or accident and left young children behind as well. I've learned the hard way that for death age doesn't matter!

Why are people so quick to point out all the bad things about me having another baby? Do they really think it helps? Do they think that all these things haven't already gone through my mind hundreds of times? My healthy baby died for no known reason! Of course I go through everything that might happen... I weigh the pros and cons... but in the end it comes down to, - in ten years, if I didn't try to have another child because of whatever reason (fear of what may happen), would I greatly regret my decision? Yes, I would and my husband agrees as well.

So, please don't ask me questions as if I am naive about having a baby. I am not. Once you have had an infant loss there is no way that you can be naive about pregnancy and childbirth! I actually wish that I could know a little less about all the things that can and do go wrong!

What I need from my friends is support and encouragement. I've already got all the negative stuff in my head! I need my friends to help me keep a balance.

Being strong

2011-06-27T23:22:00.001-04:00

I found this in Pinterest. How true. I never thought I could be strong enough to go through a natural birth knowing that my son was already dead just two weeks before he was due. I also didn't think I would be able to deal with living without him. But I'm still here. trying one day at a time.

Sailing

2011-06-27T23:11:00.000-04:00

This is so beautiful. Hugs, tender human contact is so lacking in this world.

I grew up without hugs and I always wondered if I was loved. I hug my daughter every day at least once. I miss being able to hug my son. Hugging Kai's photo just didn't work for me. Recently we bought a Dick Bruna stuffed toy. It's his little sailor character from one of his stories. The sailor is about the same size as Kai was when he was born. The plush sailor was really difficult to find.

I think they discontinued making the plush little children characters a while ago. I first saw them 12 years ago when we lived in Japan. At that time I jokingly asked my husband to buy one because then we would have our own little care free baby!

When Kai was stillborn I thought of the little plush Dick Bruna kids from Japan. We looked all over for such a long time and then we found one at an asian toy collector's store in an asian mall in Toronto. They only had the sailor which was amazing since Kai's name means "the sea" in Hawaiian! He was almost $100.00! but I'm so glad we bought him. I hug my little Dick Bruna sailor and hope that he sets sail on the ocean of a universe and delivers my hugs to Kai.

I miss you SO much sweetpea!!

Dark, Dark, Dark.

2011-06-06T00:11:00.000-04:00

I keep trying to get ahead of, and run away from the Darkness that always seems to be stalking me. I've been doing this most of my life. I can never seem to hide from it; outrun it; it won't go away; It won't give up or die. The Darkness is always just a few steps away, waiting for weakness so it can mess with my head ... and then I believe everything it tells me...

Getting back

2011-05-23T00:57:00.000-04:00

"There is no tragedy in life like the death of a cild. things never get back to the way they were." - President Eisenhower
This is a part of a signature dedicated to Kai that I letterpress printed for an anthology.

Well, I haven't really written anything for a while. Mostly because I don't know what to say... my mood has really gone down and my head is in an incoherent fog most of the time. I just keep thinking... I'm 44... maybe I'm too old to have another baby... I'm never going to get pregnant... Kai was the last... I shouldn't have waited after he died... I've failed... my daughter would be such a great big sister and I've failed her... maybe I should just stop trying... and so on, and so on. I know. Not good. but I can't get these thoughts out of my head.
My period has been off for the last 5 cycles and I cannot seem to really figure out when I am ovulating. My husband and I discussed going back on Clomid but I didn't think the fact that it made my period two weeks late was going to be helpful. As well, my immune system seems to be not working very well... stress doesn't help. I've gone back to my acupuncturist and I have made an appointment with my naturopath to try and get back to being healthy in order to get pregnant - maybe - hopefully.
I waited a year before trying to conceive. I thought it was a good idea to get my head back into a relatively good space before I got pregnant again. Now I just keep thinking that I made a big mistake. I should have gotten pregnant just after Kai's death like I wanted to. What scared me at the time was that I only thought about having another baby boy. Not a healthy baby whatever the gender. That's when my 20 years of therapy kicked in and I thought that maybe now wasn't the best time to get pregnant. Did I make a mistake?! I don't know. I do know that not being able to have another child after losing one is making me feel like I'm a failure as a wife, mother and woman!
All the infant loss mothers that I know had healthy babies after their loss ... but they were all younger as well. I wish I knew someone who wasn't able have a child after losing one. How did they get through it all? How did they stay sane?

Life...it goes on.

2011-05-03T17:40:00.000-04:00

Kai's name on the beach made from gathered sea shells and sea weed.
Sunny Isles, Florida.

Kai's big sister writing his name in the sand at Turtle Beach.
Sarasota, FL.

She had to write his name so many times because they kept getting washed away before she could finish and have a photo taken! This one finally worked!

It used to be easier.

2011-02-16T15:33:00.001-05:00

I'll be forty-four next week. It's freaking me out. I'm not freaked out by getting older in general, but for the last two years I have been acutely aware of how old I am and how much time I may or may not have left to conceive another child.
Conceiving our daughter and then our son was easier than easy. One time was all it took. Now, after Kai's still birth conceiving a child has become almost impossible.
I waited a year after Kai's stillbirth before trying to have another child even though my heart and head were screaming to me that I needed another child. I realized that I was only thinking of a male baby... and that scared me. So, I waited and worked on grieving and dealing with my fears and ideas that the fates are against me.
Now we've been trying for over a year. I miscarried last June. In January I started taking Clomid, progesterone, and using an ovulation tester. This month my period was late. It's been a week. I tried to not get excited and I tried to deal with it all in my head but yesterday I told a friend about what was going on and how my brain is thinking of too many things both good and bad. I thought - uh-oh. as soon as you tell someone you know it's going to be bad news - but that is my old negative way of thinking! I'm stronger now and don't believe all those stories I've told myself for years. Right! So I went to bed feeling okay. I woke up this morning to find my period had started... and now I'm trying not to say "I told you so!" to myself.
It seems that many women, after having a perinatal death have several miscarriages before finally keeping a pregnancy. It worries me because I don't have the luxury of time. I'm not young. No one stupidly said to me after Kai's death, "Don't worry. You can have another." - That's because I was 41 when my perfectly healthy son's heart stopped beating. I keep trying to be positive and keep in mind all the women I know who had children between 45 and 50... but it's only partially working. The roller coaster of trying to conceive is bad enough without adding the emotions of infant loss to it and then the age factor.
Sometimes I think I should give up on having another child (my little mean voices in my head agree because they say I had my chance and look how it ended up) but I know that if I do I will regret it. But how does one stay strong enough and calm enough to deal with all this uncertainty?

Rest

2011-02-03T13:45:00.001-05:00

Cape Cod Oct. 2010.

I often wish I was like a piece of machinery that could be turned off. I wan to turn off! I've tried so many times to figure out where that stupid on/off device is hidden on me! I just want to know and feel nothing for a little while.
My body is so tired that I need a break from breathing. Sleep isn't good enough. I still breath and see and feel while I'm asleep!
I want a state of nothingness... where I'm totally unaware of my existence and everything that has to do with me. The closest thing I have found to this state of nothingness is death... but I don't really want to die - I just want to shut down for a while and then turn on again.
Death is too permanent ...I know that too well. But what other alternatives do we have out there? In my twenty something years of searching I haven't found anything close to an off button or shut down program for myself. Drugs and alcohol blur your state but you still breath, think, and feel... and as time goes on it makes everything so much worse.
I don't want worse. I want better. If only I could take a break from being aware of myself so that I could re-charge and rest.

Jan. 7th, 12:44 a.m. Happy Birth Day Kai! We love you!

2011-01-09T03:51:00.002-05:00

Friday Jan. 7th should be Kai's Birthday. He should be two years old this year. We are lucky enough to have a great bunch of friends who think it is a wonderful idea to remember Kai and his Birth Date every year. I'm not sure what I want or need to say... I'll leave this until later. These are some beautiful pictures of the evening taken by our friend Valerie.

My friend made a delicious carrot cake for Kai's Birth Day. She even remembered to put two candles on top!

Our daughter helped me blow out Kai's two candles.

My husband lighting candles outside.
Our friends helped us remember Kai by being with us and placing candles around his tree in our yard.

My candle.

I placed it in the snow around Kai's tree.

Our daughter, Kai's big sister and her candle.

Kai's big sister placing her candle around her brother's tree.

Our friends also placed their candles around Kai's tree.

SO pretty in the snow. We left them out in the dark for several hours while it snowed. There were still four candles burning when we put them out at 4am! The rest were buried in snow!

Part of our gathering of friends who think it's a good thing to remember Kai's Birth Day!
I love them!! I think Kai must love them, too. I like to believe he sent the snow as a reminder of himself. He was born during a snowstorm!

Time with Kai.

2011-01-05T12:54:00.004-05:00

2011...

2011-01-03T14:58:00.000-05:00

Fallen icicles on Allen St.

uh huh. Feeling kind of numb. Have been for several weeks. Not happy, but no tears. It horrifies me ...but... I look at Kai's pictures and he doesn't seem real. He's a very cute baby... but I feel like the memories I have are from a movie I watched a long time ago. He's the baby from the movie. I don't really feel a direct connection to him. I used to look at his pictures and instantly feel an overwhelming pain and loss. Like I'd lost my heart and needed to get it back at all cost! I'd feel frantic! Numb is less painful... but scarier. I remember this kind of feeling from when I would get extremely depressed. I don't feel extremely depressed. I'm a little confused... Is this normal? ...Am I forgetting my son? ...Am i depressed but not in a way that is familiar to me?... is my mind protecting me? ...Should I try and force the numbness away?

I think this must be what it's like when you start having memory loss in your old age. It scares me. I don't want to forget my son and the emotions that are connected to him. Yes. Almost are of those emotions are painful ... but I'll never laugh at his questions or be so happy when he takes his first steps... those emotions will never be associated with him because those events will never be happily associated with him. Most of the emotions I have with him are painful. If I lose the first hand knowledge of that pain, do I lose my memory of him? It's not that I want to dwell on the pain of losing him... but that is the emotion I associate with him. It's the one that overshadows all the other emotions I had... the pride that he was so perfect, so healthy looking for a dead baby... the pride I should have felt because I had an almost perfect natural birth (only my baby was already dead, so it wasn't quite so perfect!)...the love my husband, daughter and I had for Kai that I thought would be enough to bring us a "Disney moment"... the love, comfort and support I felt from my midwives, doula and hospital staff... those emotions and feelings all exist with Kai, but still the emotion that surrounds it all is pain from loss, sadness, guilt, frustration, anger, disbelief...

I know all those emotions are there... I just don't feel any of them right now... why?

Merry Christmas Kai

2010-12-31T15:35:00.001-05:00

Family holidays without a member of your family is SO difficult! Almost too difficult when it is a child... but we managed. I decided to participate in two infant loss holiday exchanges hoping that it would get me into the holiday mood as well as give me some time during this busy season to slow down and think of my son and hopefully add a little bit of a bittersweet smile to some other parents' holiday because their little babies are now known and thought of by one more person.

In exchange for the two ornaments I sent, I received another hand decorated ornament and a gift package!

The ornament is decorated with Kai's name on the front and his stillbirth date on the back... all done in glitter. It's beautiful! Subtle colours. I love it and it looks great on our tree!

The package contained items for Kai, me, my husband and daughter. Kai's name means "the sea" in Hawaiian and he was born during a snowstorm. These are things I associate with my son. In the package were items that symbolized snow and sea!... many were wonderfully handmade! On Jan. 7th we are going to have a little birthday party for Kai. I'm going to play the CD when we use the "FLying Wish Papers" on his day! The shell ring, feather, shell and stone that looks like ice are all in his Butsudan in the living room. His beautiful blue ornament will go there as well when we take down the tree.

This is the beautiful ornament that I received in the ornament exchange from the Remembering Together Holiday Swap.
Thank you SO much Tracey for the beautiful ornament!

A very thoughtful gift from the Faces of Loss gift exchange.

Jackie included two very special rings for my daughter and a special calendar for my husband.

Jackie made this snowflake ornament with beads spelling out Kai's name. We hung it outside on his red flowering dogwood tree with the other ornaments we made.

I picked up these aluminum heart tags at the Movies and Makers Craft Show that I participated in. I thought they would be perfect for decorating and putting on Kai's tree for the holidays. Martha (the craftsperson who made them) gave me an extra package when she found out what I was going to do with them so I was able to give some to members of the PBSO support group I go to!
Thank you Martha!

Ornament from mommy.

Ornament from Kai's big sister.

Ornament from Daddy.

Holiday Ornament and Gift Exchange

2010-12-18T23:55:00.000-05:00

This year I decided to participate in two Holiday exchanges for mom's who have lost their infants. For one exchange we were to send an ornament and for the other a small gift. I decided I would create personalized ornaments for both exchanges. Focusing on creating these ornaments was my way of spending time with Kai. If not for him I would not be involved in these wonderful little gestures of friendship, sympathy and understanding. I think of him and talk to him while I do these little projects.

Both ornaments were made out of cotton pulp and cast in the shape of a heart. I letterpress printed the infants' names and dates on pieces of my handmade paper and used it as part of the decoration of the heart. I think they turned out quite wonderfully. Now I must make one for Kai and his big sister!

The holidays are so difficult. Even our daughter is finding this Christmas difficult. Yesterday was her last day of school before the holidays. I guess she got sad thinking of two holidays ago on the last day of school when she was looking forward to playing with her baby brother in the new year. The principal found her crying in the afternoon. Our daughter didn't mention anything to us. We didn't know until we received a telephone call from her principal asking if she was alright. She's almost ten now and I'm guessing that the reality of the death of her baby brother is starting to set in. She started crying again tonight because she missed Kai. I know how she feels.

PBSO Walk to Remember and Dove Release

2010-11-11T01:31:00.000-05:00

Families gathering under the canopies to hear a short speech given by the son of the Children's Garden creator and some poetry read by families in memory of their infants.

Oct. 2010

In the foreground is the Children's Garden that was created by a mother some 20 years after her infant son died. She had been told to forget about that child by doctors!!

The doves waiting quietly in their baskets.

Most families took turns saying their infants names and dates of birth/death out loud. Afterwards we were each given a carnation.

... and the doves are released.

The dove release totally delighted the children that were there!

After this there was hot tea, coffee, water, juice boxes and cookies.

I was busy talking to other parents and I missed out on the chocolate cookies!!!

2010-11-04T15:23:00.000-04:00

A wee snail on the big beach at low tide in Cape Cod. Oct., 2010

I haven't written anything for a while. Writing doesn't come naturally to me and sometimes I wonder if it's worth it. I still end up missing Kai. On vacation two weeks ago I missed him. He should have been with us, toddling on the beach with his arms out... maybe eating sand. His sister would have had someone to play with and share her discoveries with. This was our second fall vacation without him. Three fall vacations ago he was with us while I was pregnant.

We were so hopeful at that time. It felt safe enough to buy him some baby clothes at Carter's and at Target in Buffalo on our way home. We had NO idea... Those clothes are still in a storage bin on top of the wardrobe in our room. Sometimes I look at the bin and think I should go through it and give his unworn clothes away. I think that, and then I do something else. Anything else. I'm afraid to open that the bin. I imagine it is like Pandora's box. Once I open it all the fears and pain will come out and consume me. Am I strong enough? Probably. Am I brave enough? No. Not yet.

2010-11-01T19:23:00.001-04:00

I am so glad that there is more information in the news about infant death and how to help! For me... more awareness = improved knowledge, better treatment and care!

New programs for 'silent grief' of miscarriages, stillbirths

November 1, 2010 on parentcentral

ALISON AULd
http://www.parentcentral.ca/parent/babiespregnancy/pregnancy/article/883977--new-programs-for-silent-grief-of-miscarriages-stillbirths

...feel SO sad for her. Their hearts must be breaking. I think this is where being famous isn't helpful. I hope people give them time and privacy to go through the long mourning process. Sigh.

Lily Allen Loses Her Baby

Nick Sadler/Startraks

Lily Allen has again suffered the heartbreak of losing a child during pregnancy.

“It is with great sadness that we have to confirm that Lily Allen and Sam Cooper have lost their baby,” the British singer’s rep tells PEOPLE in a statement.

“The couple ask that their privacy be respected and that they be left alone at this deeply distressing time. No further comment will be made.”

Allen, 25, announced a few weeks ago that the baby, a boy, was due in January. This is her second such loss – coming almost three years after she suffered a miscarriage during her relationship with musician Ed Simons.

Allen and Cooper, an upmarket decorator, hadannounced their pregnancy in August. Allen had also Tweeted a pic of herself excitedly holding up a newspaper with the good news.

Allen has spoken of having children as “ultimately my main goal” in life.

– Simon Perry

Oct. 15th! Toronto, ON Canada

2010-09-25T01:38:00.003-04:00

Please do what you can to support this cause. After our son Kai's death I learned that most people know very little about Perinatal death (unless you've gone through it) even though it can randomly happen to any pregnant woman. I also learned that most people, including doctors and other professionals are ignorant about the affects of this kind of loss on the mothers, fathers and siblings. We need this day to help us not be ashamed of remembering our wee lost children.

My daughter's friend releasing a butterfly for Kai at this year's PBSO Butterfly Release

Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Day ~ October 15th~ recognized in Ontario Canada

PERINATAL BEREAVEMENT SERVICES ONTARIO

Hello All,

I am putting a call out to all of you who are living in Ontario, Canada. On October 15th, Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Day, Perinatal Bereavement Services Ontario will be hosting a rally at the Ontario Legislation Building at Queens Park in Toronto.

We need your support to help us make the Ontario government see that that October 15th should be recognized all across Canada.

Come out and rally with us at Queens Park. We will then gather petition signatures.

You can view the online event at http://www.facebook.com/home.php?#!/e...

Come out and show your support on October 15th.

	Friday, October 15 · 10:00am - 11:30pm

Location	Legislature Assembly of Ontario Queens Park


More Info	Our Rally is being held on the grounds of the Legislature Assembly of Ontario at Queens Park. The rally will last approximately one hour and we will then leave Queens Park and gather petition signatures to have Oct 15th recognized as Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Day in Ontario.

Envy and anger - why?

2010-09-21T19:24:00.001-04:00

Life seems so unfair so much of the time.
I had an OB appointment today. Just a visit so that they could tell me the results of my blood test that was taken to see if I still had healthy eggs. We've been trying for 9 months to get pregnant. Not a long time, I know, but our daughter and our son were conceived on the first try. Also, now that I'm 43 I really feel that clock ticking. Kai was supposed to be our last. A girl and a boy. Two children who would hopefully help each other out and keep each other as family when we were no longer here. I do consider myself a mother of two, but as my daughter said, "I want a brother or sister that I can talk to and play with.". I understand.
This afternoon I just found out that a friend who is the same age as I am is having her 5th child. They thought they were finished, but life happens. I'm very happy for her but at the same time I'm sitting here crying, feeling like a loser who can't keep a child alive and who can't even get pregnant. Is something wrong with me? Is there a decree somewhere that says I'm only allowed to have one live child? If there is, I wish someone would tell me so that I don't go through all this trying to conceive, dissappointment and heartache over and over again. I feel like I shouldn't even try to think that I can get pregnant and have a healthy child again. Is it because I am in art? Have I poisoned myself with all the fumes from ink, dust from paper? Why?
WHY did my son DIE?
WHY can't I get pregnant as easily as I did the first two times?
WHY can't I get pregnant NOW?
Why do I feel like I am cursed?
Have I let my family down?

i know that these feelings are considered normal, that any emotions I'm feeling are there for me to go through and experience and that they will probably pass in a day or so... but it still sends a stabbing pain to my heart that makes me want to rip it out and stomp on it so that I don't feel it!!

Incomplete?

2010-09-20T15:43:00.001-04:00

I wonder if this feeling will be with me forever? Feeling like something is not quite right. Like I am missing something or need something to be added. A feeling of not being complete
therefore nothing quite makes sense.

It's different than the feeling of dis-jointedness I get when I am depressed. Like my consciousness is two seconds behind what I am doing, seeing, hearing, feeling. That is not the feeling I have.

It's as if there is a space somewhere inside me that needs that one perfect something and then my world will feel whole. Sometimes that space feels like it's in the pit of my stomach. Sometimes it's in my heart, and sometimes it's in my head... wherever it is, I don't think that there is any way I can make it complete.

2010-09-13T15:06:00.000-04:00

Beautiful clouds above our neighbourhood on Sept. 10/10

This is a note I wrote in a discussion page for group called Stories of Babies Born Still (S.O.B.B.).

We lost Kai about a month before you lost Seth! Kai was stillborn on Jan. 7th, 2009 at 38 weeks. My sister has never spoken or aknowledged that Kai existed. Even during our stay with her for a week on vacation. My husband, daughter and I talk about Kai several times a week. The only people from our families that were helpful after the funeral were my sister-in-law who would come and help me look after my daughter on the nights my husband worked late, and my brother who would babysit my daughter on the nights we went to a perinatal loss support group. They were great... but now no-one talks about him and in many ways they act like Kai never existed.

Yeah. I don't really care what others think. I know in my heart that he is a part of my life and always will be, just like my living daughter! The pain and heartbreak I feel when I think of him is just a reminder that I love him and miss him. There aren't many parents who wouldn't wish for all their children to be safe and with them, especially when their children are young . Why should it be any different just because our child died?

I am very lucky. My husband understands my need to remember Kai and understands that it's better for us to keep Kai in our lives. Our daughter keeps a photo of her brother beside her bed and talks about him with her friends (ie. You are SO lucky you have a brother/sister. I wish my brother were here!) We were all looking forward to sharing a future with him. This isn't the future I pictured, but I still want to share it with my son. I recently miscarried at 9 weeks. When we told my daughter she wanted to know if it was a boy or a girl and what we should name the baby! I told her it was too early to know the gender so she suggested a name that could be a boys or girl's. Her choice..."Bean". So now, in her mind she has two siblings!

We have a Butsudan (a Bhuddist shrine for family and ancestors) in the living room with his photos, ashes, little poems, gifts, etc. I make a point to put fresh flowers or pretty weeds there. My daughter makes cards and notes for him and put them there. I figure, everyone in a family gets a space like a bedroom for themselves and their things... well, Kai doesn't need a whole room. He didn't live long enough to have many things so he only needs a small area in our living room.

Some people are uncomfortable about the things we do to keep our sons memory alive. We don't do anything dangerous or crazy! Balloons, a tree, candle lightings, birthday gathering, photos, talking, making things, very normal!

Whatever other people think or feel, I love my children with all my heart and soul! If one of them is not here I will miss them with all of my heart and soul until I see them again. I don't think that is a bad thing.

Yes, please keep your child's memory alive! It can and will be at times, painful and heartbreaking to be a parent of a living child! Having one baby die brings those two emotions into your life much earlier. Either way, you are a parent!

Much love and hugs,
A.

12:44 am, 20 months later.

2010-09-07T00:32:00.001-04:00

In one hour it will be 20 months since I gave birth to our still born baby boy, Kai. I still wonder how a perfectly healthy, strong baby can suddenly die two weeks before his due date. I do understand that he suffocated and his heart stopped beating because the umbilical cord "broke" off from the placenta. His life line "broke". But no one can tell me why or what might have caused the cord to detach from the placenta. No clots (that might have explained the withered look of the cord where it was supposed to be attached to the placenta). Nothing abnormal. He was a healthy 7 pounds when he was still born. When he was born his colouring was purpl-ish. His lips were a bright deep red. In my mind I see him all pink-ish with rosebud pink lips. The black and white photos I have of him that were taken by a NILMDTS photographer barely hint at the fact that he was born without breath. He looks like a healthy baby in a timeless black and white baby photo.

How have 20 months gone by? When I gave birth to him I just wanted to die. I wished I could die. I couldn't imagine going past that moment. For days and says and weeks and weeks I wanted to die - unable to understand how I managed to still be physically alive each moment upon moment when all that was going through my mind was that I had somehow failed my baby and I deserved to die. Needed to die...
" My older daughter would be fine with her dad looking after her. Kai would be out there without a parent. I could be there with him. Did he even know how much we love him? Did he know that his death was so unbearable that sometimes I thought it wasn't true? Was he feeling abandoned? I definitely felt I was abandoning him when I had to leave the hospital without him - but what could I do? I needed to know that he knew we love him. I needed to take care of him; keep him warm, cuddle him, sing to him, love him."

Twenty months later I still sometimes have the urge to be with him, holding him out in the universe. All those moments have turned into almost two years. I still love him. The memory of Kai still hurts to my core, but it isn't as acute and desperate anymore. I don't think of the pain I feel when I remember him as a bad thing anymore either. As I explained to my daughter, "The pain you feel when you miss someone is a positive thing. It reminds you that you love that person and that you want to see them again - that you will take notice of their absence and look forward to being with them again."

We miss you and love you every day, Kai.

Summertime

2010-08-09T20:05:00.001-04:00

At my mother-in-laws birthday a few weeks ago I was still dealing with the after effects of my miscarriage. Not so fun since I was at the cottage and there were a whole bunch of people all crammed into one cottage with one bathroom! I managed to lose myself by puttering along the shore of the lake gathering tiny shells. During the birthday celebration my mother-in law exclaimed how lucky she was to have all her children and all her grandchildren there for her birthday. Yes, she was very lucky and I know that she did not mean anything by it - but all I could think was, "...but one of your grandchildren isn't here! My baby isn't here! He should be here." I went someplace away from everyone to cry for a bit. I'm glad I have learned to let allow myself time to cry. It didn't last long and I was able to get back to the celebration and feel pretty much okay.

There is a closet door at the cottage where all the grandchildren's heights are recorded every year when they are there. I've asked my husband if he thinks it would be alright to add Kai's height to the door and so the next time I'm up at the cottage I will take the black 'sharpie' and add our son's name, birth/death date and length of 17 inches to the door!

Puttering around at my in-laws cottage.

Last weekend we attended the Haliburton Scout Reserve Alumni Weekend and camped at the water's edge like we did last year. It felt very strange doing the same things as we had done a year ago. A year. Last year I was at this same spot thinking and crying about our son who had died less than a year ago. We were using the same tent that we had gotten in anticipation of having a second child that we would be camping with. There was lots of extra space inside. I put my photos of Kai in a spot beside my sleeping bag. The Saturday was the 7th of the month marking Kai's 19th month. My husband picked flowers to keep with us at our campsite. They are in the foreground of the photo below. Nothing fancy -they're sitting in a Tim Horton's cup - but it was nice having something to look at that we brought just for Kai, to symbolize his special day and our memory.

Camping in Haliburton and making jewelry from nature!

Last year the little guy below was nine months at the Alumni Weekend. He was the first baby boy I had held since Kai. He's now almost two years old! I loved playing with him and watching him play and discover! He's such a happy, good natured child! As much as I loved playing and watching A, I did have a couple of times where my heart dropped to my stomach and I thought of Kai who would be a month younger than this cutie. What would my son be like? Would he be as happy? would the two of them "play" together? How big would Kai be? What would he look like?... Is this what it would be like playing with Kai? The thoughts hurt my chest. I cried and let the tears soak into my husband's shoulder for a couple of minutes and then they were gone. The heartache lifted and I was once again able to enjoy watching A play.

What a cutie! A. is just a month older than Kai.

2010-08-01T19:06:00.003-04:00

Photos taken at friends' land near St. Mary's.

I'm finding time to be a weird thing to wrap my head around. Time is linear, right? But my mind is not willing to understand that concept. My mind is confused, thus I am confused, agitated.

Back to almost where I was

2010-06-27T03:58:00.000-04:00

Kai's Dogwood tree, spring 2010.

This is the Dogwood tree that we planted last October for our son. It only had a couple of buds on it last fall when we planted it, but this spring it was full of blossoms! My mother planted the miniature white roses that we had at Kai's funeral. She put them in the front of the house. Apparently they are no longer miniature roses! They are two regular size white rose bushes filled with white roses! I love that these two plants have thrived and grown beyond expectation. It makes me smile to think that maybe Kai is helping us take care of his two memorial plants. I like to think that it means he is happy wherever he is and that he knows how much we love and miss him...

I'm trying to think of happy/beautiful things, but I'm pretty numb. I was 7 weeks pregnant but I've been bleeding heavily since this morning. I'm guessing that I have miscarried. I've never miscarried before so we're not too sure what to expect. I have an appointment Monday afternoon with my doctor that I had made to get a prescription for pre-natal vitamins... but I'll use it for figuring out the whole miscarriage thing.

About an hour ago I was quietly freaking out because my family is asleep and I didn't want to wake them... now I can't really even think or feel much (except for the cramps). I shouldn't be surprised that I'm miscarrying, should I? Most women I've met or have read about had at least one miscarriage after the death of their infant AND the chance of miscarriage rises with maternal age. I'm now 43 and that puts me right up there. I really do feel the clock ticking...

We have been lucky in the past conceiving both of our children on the first try and having no problems during my pregnancies. Unfortunately our second child died a few weeks before his due date, as most people know, and now everything seems to be a bit more difficult.

I purposely postponed getting pregnant after Kai's death because I wanted to be fairly certain that I would be able to handle the emotional stress that was sure to come with another pregnancy. I didn't want to have to add to my medication for depression again. So, for 6 months we have been trying to get pregnant. I got pregnant in May and now I am not pregnant anymore. I know I want to try again but I really am starting to fear that we will only ever have one living child... and she will be so very lonely when we are gone. I know you're not supposed to feel like a failure...but, well...

Sunny Isles Beach, 2010.

Mother's Day

2010-05-10T02:57:00.012-04:00

The first blooms ever from Kai's dogwood tree that wee planted last fall.

Celebrated my second Mother's Day with only one of my two children. It hurts knowing that I've been pregnant twice, given birth twice and had two babies... but people we saw celebrating Mother's Day all would have assumed we were parents of an only child. They should make a t-shirt, pin, bumper sticker ... something that tells everyone " We have a child/children that died but he/she/they are still very present in our hearts each and every day!".
I did enjoy the day with the child I do have and my husband. I received the traditional breakfast in bed with flowers picked from our garden, a chocolate croissant from the french bakery at the end of our street, tea and an orange. Yum! For the time that I was eating, adoring the pictures my daughter drew for me and opening my present I was fine. Content. But then, when my hands, mouth and eyes weren't busy my mood slumped and I had that familiar overwhelming need to sleep. So, I slept for a couple more hours and then tried really hard to want to move. I did and the rest of the day was spent celebrating my role in my family of 4 ( that looks like a family of 3).

Friday May 7th Kai would have been 16 months old. When does one stop counting the time? Why do I do it? In my mind he will always be a baby. So why do I keep time like I did for my first child? For her it was to mark her growth, her time here since she was born, her developmental milestones. Kai doesn't have any of that. I guess it is just a way for me to keep track of his one milestone of being stillborn. A way for me to make him more concrete in my life... counting the amount of time since we first held him in our arms. Counting the amount of time that we have held him in our hearts because we cannot physically hold him ever again.

Time flickers forwards and back.

2010-04-08T16:16:00.003-04:00

I was never told life would get progressively more difficult as time went on... but it does, and I go forward. The past is what creates my present. To ignore that past is to ignore the substance of me.
I am slowly learning to accept and embrace all the events in my life that I had previously tried to erase or forget. Erasing leaves a smudge that is evidence of the action. Forgetting never really works. Wishing for what was or what could have been just leads to more pain. NOW I understand what living in the present means. I hope!

THe candle from Kai's "butsudan" that we lit at his memorial service.

It's been 15 months. Wow. I'm often confused. Sometimes it feels like time has gone too quickly - separating us by more and more time. Other times it feels like hardly any time has passed - I cry and the pain feels as strong it did a year before. This last 15 months have been a time of opposing emotions/feelings; happiness that your memory is with me but sadness that you are not physically here; anger that you seem to have died for no reason and calmness because of everything I learned from dealing with the grief of losing you; hope because I believe your energy is here with us, helping us and despair because I just want to be with you now!

They were right. As time continues on that unbearable pain has moved to the background of my days. It still comes forward at time - heart wrenching as ever, but it doesn't last nearly as long as it did a year ago or 6 months ago.

I'm lucky that I do have friends that know I need to talk about him every once in a while. He's a part of our family so, just as I talk about my living child or my deceased parent, I also talk about my baby boy. "I loved having a midwife for my son's birth last year.", "Do you think Kai would have been artistic like his father and I?", "Hopefully Kai wouldn't have gotten my crazy frizzy hair!", "Yes, I have two children.", "Isn't this cute? Kai would be adorable in this!". I do not believe that I need to pretend that my pregnancy and time with him never existed.

A friend of mine who lost her infant son five years ago recently realized that she hadn't fully dealt with her emotions. I was very proud of her when she told me last week that she was able to move her infant's photo out of the walk in closet/dressing room and onto the top of her dresser where her other three boys (all younger) pictures are. Now she has all four of her sons together where she can see them everyday and smile.

Happy Birthday baby boy!

2010-01-07T23:46:00.004-05:00

Today! Jan. 7, 2010 - Happy Birthday Kai sweetheart!

Happy Birthday Kai!

Today is your first birthday. You aren't here to share this day with us but we have chosen to remember you and celebrate the day others were able to meet you! Your sister and I made a Happy 1st Birthday sign, Your dad, sister and I wrote some letters to you and attached them to three balloons that we released by your tree outside. WE hung the sign, 3 plastic butterflies that we made and some ribbon on your tree also. This evening a bunch of our friends who have been very supportive came over for a small Birthday/remembrance get together. We had a Pakistani/Japanese dinner, your dad bought a chocolate birthday cake and we all lit candles and put them around your tree. We are so very lucky that we have friends to share you with!

I realized for the first time what an amazing thing your Uncle Arthur U. did last year when he came to the hospital with snacks for your dad and I while I was waiting for my contractions to get stronger. He didn't have to come - it was a very weird, uncomfortable position to be in - but he put his own fears aside and came to visit anyway! He stayed until almost 10 pm! I said 'Thank you' to him today and I started to cry. That was the first time all day!

It's now after midnight and last year I was still at the hospital. Alex was there to keep me company because your dad had to go home and stay with your sister. Alex held you, which was very brave of her. We talked until late. The nurse came in before I went to sleep and moved your basinette next to my bed. I really wanted to put you next to me and sleep with you in my arms but I was SO afraid that I might drop you while I was sleeping! I would have been horrified - more than horrified! - if I had woken up to find you on the floor! Maybe I should have asked the nurse if there was something we could do, but I couldn't really think properly at the time. I am very thankful, though, that I was able to stay with you for those extra 24 hours. Your dad and I would have been lost without Deborah our midwife!

I realize I haven't written your whole story yet. I think I might be ready to do that soon.

Good night sweet little boy. I will always love you and miss you. You will always be my son and I will always be proud of you.

One year

2010-01-06T21:37:00.005-05:00

Old stone bridge in the Poconos Oct. 2009

Tomorrow is the day you were still born.

At this time last year I was waiting for a catheter to fall out so that my contractions would start. I had been put on a pitocin drip at 2 in the afternoon and not much had happened. At 10 in the morning I had found out for certain that Kai had no heartbeat. They never said the word "dead". They just looked sad and told me that he had no heartbeat.

How did one year go buy so quickly and slowly at the same time? I dreaded the Holidays. All I wanted was for time to stop. The coming of Christmas meant, to me, the coming of my son's death. The coming of the end. It was difficult to face the holidays, but I did it and it is now past. The anticipation of how wretched I would feel was much worse than how I actually felt. Yes. Christmas day I really cried hard a few times. I didn't join my family and friends for Christmas dinner. I knew that forcing myself to act fine was not something I could do and I did not want to try. Some people understood this and some did not ...and I was fine with that. Weird. I have spent all of my life trying to keep people happy and not cause waves! Usually I would be fretting about how I was disappointing someone, letting them down or making them angry. I am quite good at beating myself up for this. But not this time. What had changed? Why was I so calm about taking time out for myself? In the two weeks between Christmas and now I have thought a lot about the last year. I've taken a lot of emotional risks since Kai died. I had to if I wanted to survive his death and be in the present with my husband and daughter. I'd already been hospitalized three times in the past for suicide/depression ...I kind of knew that if I didn't take some huge steps in terms of asking for help from friends and family, I probably wouldn't ever recover. For me that was a huge risk. I had always believed that people would only like me if I was a happy person who was always there to help them. If I burdened my friends with my problems or the truth they would drop me - abandon me. The first few 'risks' were the most difficult. Calling a friend to talk at 1 am the day I got home. I was petrified that she would either ignore the phone or tell me she was too tired to talk to me. No one answered. I left a confusing message about Kai being dead and that I had to deliver him after I found out. In my head I thought "See! You have no one! No one wants to here your sob story! No one has time for you! Get it into your brain that you are not meant to be here! Your healthy son died! Isn't that enough proof that you are a loser and supposed to die?" I ended up taking a sleeping pill to calm down and fall asleep. I woke the next morning when my friend called me back and said that she would be at my house in an hour and a half. She lives an hour and a half away! She left her son with her husband and actually came to the city and looked after us for a day and a half! I was shocked that someone, anyone would drop everything to help me! Thank you from the depths of my heart, Karen! That was my first 'risk' and it didn't turn out at all the way I had always believed it would.

Too Sad.

2009-12-19T22:27:00.007-05:00

Purple Cone Flowers from Lor's garden.

MY friend sent this poem to me after she read my facebook update. I couldn't pull it together yesterday to go to freelance job.
It isn't hers, but somehow she knew this poem.
It could be Kai and I.

It's sad to know so many women go through this.

Perfect Even In Death

No one remembers,
I cannot say why
Only thing I keep thinking
Is that nobody tried

You were mine, only mine
No one knew you like me
I don't know why He couldn't
Just let you be

We shared so much
In our short time together,
And the time that we shared
Has made memories forever

So much I learned,
So much I lost -
Everything turned, toppled
And tossed

Butterfly flutters, then turns
And kicks . . .
Then, that sad day . . .
Was my mind playing tricks?

No cry, no movement,
not even a Breath . . .
As you lay on my tummy -
Perfect even in death

When I think of you now
At the age you would be,
A beautiful "big boy"
Is the child I see

My son you were,
My son you'll always be
And One -
That is us;
You and Me"

by Lil' Red

Sleep

2009-12-18T01:31:00.002-05:00

Kai, I hate this. I wish I could sleep through the next two weeks. I'm having a difficult time holding it together for work. Imiss you SO much.

Black days

2009-11-28T02:09:00.004-05:00

Oh how I hate these black days. My days are usually a grayish colour but I'm never too far from black. I haven't had colour or brightness in my life for a long time. I keep striving for it but I never seem to be able to do better than a mid to light gray. I have a cousin who is bi-polar. Sometimes I wish I was bi-polar so that I would at least know what it was like to feel really great, like I can do anything. I know that being bi-polar is not at all easy. In fact, it sucks as much as being chronically, clinically depressed.

With both my pregnancies I prayed to the "powers that be" to let my child live if anything should have to go wrong with my pregnancy. I figure that I've lived this long without really feeling like I'm part of this world so it would be better for me to die and give my babies a chance at a life that is full. Yeah, I know things don't work this way... I know I have no control over these things ... how could I, my second child died inside me a few weeks before he was due and I couldn't do a thing to stop it. He wasn't sick. I wasn't sick. One day he was fine and kicking and the next day his lifeline detached from the placenta and he died. The doctors have no idea why this happened. Of course, I have my own dark, paranoid theories as to why this happened but I'm told that my thoughts are not logical or possible. Would these theories of mine be more logical if I was religious? In Sunday School I was taught that if you weren't a good person you would not be rewarded by Him. You might even be punished. Am I being punished ... because I'm still here?... because I wasn't supposed to be here past the age of thirty (I always believed I would never live to see thirty because the pain of depression was so unbearable)?

I know what I wrote won't make sense. Most of the time my life doesn't make sense to me. I've waded through my confusion for forty years and it gets more difficult with time and life experiences.

Baby boy, I wanted ... and still want you SO much. I'm sorry if anything I did or didn't do took away your life. Please know that I love you and miss you.

"I Resolve"

2009-11-04T20:43:00.005-05:00

This was posted on Circle of Moms. I like it.

In the last 10 months since our son's death I have often berated myself for "Not getting on with life". I constantly have to remind myself (or my therapist reminds me) that i am not expected to get over my son. I have to allow myself whatever feelings I have and I have to allow myself to do whatever I need to do in order to deal with the loss of Kai. It doesn't matter if my family thinks I'm dwelling and making myself sad. It doesn't matter if I cry when I see a happy family with a baby boy. I have to allow myself to freely grieve for however long it takes. This is difficult to do. I was taught that crying was not a mature emotion and that it was a weakness. Unfortunately, many people are taught this and I think it is wrong. All of our emotions are valid and I've found that denying or stifling emotions doesn't help me at all.

I think I'm going to stick this up beside my bed!

"I RESOLVE"

THAT I WILL GRIEVE AS MUCH AND FOR AS LONG AS I FEEL LIKE GRIEVING, AND THAT I WILL NOT LET OTHERS PUT A TIMETABLE ON MY GRIEF.

THAT I WILL GRIEVE IN WHATEVER WAY I FEEL LIKE GRIEVING, AND I WILL IGNORE THOSE WHO TRY TO TELL ME WHAT I SHOULD OR SHOULD NOT BE FEELING AND HOW I SHOULD OR SHOULD NOT BE BEHAVING.

THAT I WILL CRY WHENEVER AND WHEREVER I FEEL LIKE CRYING, AND THAT I WILL NOT HOLD BACK MY TEARS JUST BECAUSE SOMEONE ELSE FEELS I SHOULD BE "BRAVE" OR "GETTING BETTER" OR "HEALING BY NOW".

THAT I WILL TALK ABOUT MY CHILD AS OFTEN AS I WANT TO, AND THAT I WILL NOT LET OTHERS TURN ME OFF JUST BECAUSE THEY CAN'T DEAL WITH THEIR OWN FEELINGS.

THAT I WILL NOT EXPECT FAMILY AND FRIENDS TO KNOW HOW I FEEL, UNDERSTANDING THAT ONE WHO HAS NOT LOST A CHILD CANNOT POSSIBLY KNOW HOW I FEEL.

THAT I WILL NOT BLAME MYSELF FOR MY CHILD'S DEATH, AND I WILL CONSTATLY REMIND MYSELF THAT I DID THE BEST JOB OF PARENTING I COULD POSSIBLY HAVE DONE. BUT, WHEN FEELINGS OF GUILT ARE OVERWHELMING, I WILL REMIND MYSELF THAT THIS IS NORMAL PART OF THE GRIEF PROCESS AND IT WILL PASS.

THAT I WILL NOT BE AFRAID OR ASHAMED TO SEEK PROFESSIONAL HELP IF I FEEL IT IS NECESSARY.

THAT I WILL COMMUNE WITH MY CHILD AT LEAST ONCE A DAY IN WHATEVER WAY FEELS COMFORTABLE AND NATURAL TO ME, AND THAT I WON'T FEEL COMPELLED TO EXPLAIN THIS COMMUNION TO OTHERS OR TO JUSTIFY OR EVEN DISCUSS IT WITH THEM.

THAT I WILL TRY TO EAT, SLEEP, AND EXERCISE EVERY DAY IN ORDER TO GIVE MY BODY STRENGTH IT WILL NEED TO HELP ME COPE WITH MY GRIEF.

TO KNOW THAT I WILL HEAL, EVEN THOUGH IT WILL TAKE A LONG TIME.

TO LET MYSELF HEAL AND NOT FEEL GUILTY ABOUT FEELING BETTER.

TO REMIND MYSELF THAT THE GRIEF PROCESS IS CIRCUITOUS~THAT IS, I WILL NOT MAKE STEADY UPWARD PROGRESS. AND WHEN I FIND MYSELF SLIPPING BACK INTO THE OLD MOODS OF DESPAIR AND DEPRESSION, I WILL TELL MYSELF THAT "SLIPPING BACKWARD" IS ALSO A NORMAL PART OF THE GRIEF PROCESS AND THESE MOODS, TOO, WILL PASS.

TO TRY TO BE HAPPY ABOUT SOMETHING FOR SOME PART OF EVERY DAY, KNOWING THAT AT FIRST, I MAY HAVE TO FORCE MYSELF TO THINK CHEEFUL THOUGHTS SO EVENTUALLY THEY CAN BECOME A HABIT.

THAT I WILL REACH OUT AT TIMES AND TRY TO HELP SOMEONE ELSE, KNOWING THAT HELPING OTHERS WILL HELP ME TO GET OVER MY DEPRESSION.

THAT EVEN THOUGH MY CHILD IS DEAD, I WILL OPT FOR LIFE, KNOWING THAT IS WHAT MY CHILD WOULD WANT ME TO DO.

(author unknown)

First Vacation in the Year of Firsts

2009-10-14T22:05:00.004-04:00

We left last Friday for the Poconos. It's a bit of a drive but since Kai died I haven't been working and we don't have the spare cash to fly someplace warm. At least it's pretty and quiet here. We were here two years ago - when we didn't even have the thought that we would lose a child. It has been difficult coming back and seeing some of the same things that we saw two years ago. So much has changed in my life and I had no clue the first time I was here.

I dreaded going on vacation. I felt, again, like I was abandoning Kai. It hurt to think that just three of us would be going away. Last fall when we went on vacation our daughter kept making plans for our vacation this year with her little brother. How we would have to pack the car; where we would stop; how we would have to plan our activities so that her brother could have fun too. All those memories stab me with pain when I think of them. When we left Friday afternoon I was fine. Scared - but fine. My daughter asked that we play my Coldplay, Viva La Vida CD. Great! No Hannah Montana for at least the first little while! When the CD got to the title song I recalled that wonderful Youtube video of the children of PS22 singing the song. Then I recalled that I first saw that video when I was still pregnant. Then I started crying. I looked out the window so that my husband and daughter couldn't see me crying. It bugs me that my husband can't deal with my tears. He just pretends like nothing is happening. It hurts. My daughter hugs me and tries to comfort me - but that is not her job. She's just a little girl. I am glad that she is compassionate, though.

We're staying at a resort that is on the Delaware River. It's beautiful here. The units we are in are older. Probably first built in the '60s or early '70s. Not luxurious, but quaint and at least clean. The units are grouped like houses on a small country road. Lots of open lawn areas, big old trees, and little gardens. I teared up when I looked around. In my mind I saw my family having a picnic under the huge evergreen behind our unit. Our daughter was entertaining her baby brother while my husband and I got the food ready. Over by the river where there is a huge flat area and a swing set I envisioned my husband and daughter playing soccer while I sat and swung gently in the swing with Kai. Is this what is called daydreaming? I wish my mind didn't wander into these fantasies that hurt. How do you stop it? Are you supposed to stop them or is it better for one's mental health to just let them happen and feel all that pain rising in your chest and taking over? It's probably the latter. So far dealing with our son's death in a healthy manner means allowing myself to feel all the horrible, painful emotions of grieving.

Our first Walk to Remember

2009-10-06T20:18:00.006-04:00

Waiting for the doves to be released.

... and off they flew.

Oct. 4th we attended the PBSO Walk to Remember at Mt. Pleasant Cemetery... waited in the cemetery; walked in the rain; heard too many names of infants who are missed; watched about 30 doves soar into the sky while a little girl asked "Where are they going?" and then, "Why are they going away?"; met others that have found a way to keep on going; met three beautiful rainbows; cuddled friends' baby boy (thank you!); ate a comforting dinner with my family... all the while thinking of our son.

Why did you go away?

Oct. 15th Light a Candle

2009-10-05T01:47:00.003-04:00

Candle lit at Kai's memorial in January 2009.

"Lights of Love" International Wave of Light for October 15th Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day

October 15th is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance day. At 19:00 pm on this night in ALL time zones all over the world participants will be lighting a candle ( in a window if possible ) and leave it burning for at least an hour. The result is a continuous chain of light spanning the globe for a 24 hour period in honor and remembrance of our children.

I received this notice from a few different sources. It's a beautiful, simple idea for Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Day.

( In Canada, the Federal Government does not recognize October 15th as Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day and I think only two Provincial Governments recognise it.)

PBSO Walk to Remember

2009-09-27T02:19:00.004-04:00

Rainbows in Pennsylvania

For those of you in Toronto, PBSO is having their annual Walk to Remember on Sunday Oct. 4th at 2:00 pm. Here is some of the information I was sent:

The "walk" takes about 15 - 20 minutes and will happen "rain or shine".

Meet inside the East gates of Mt. Pleasant Cemetery and walk to The Children's Garden.

When we reach the Children's Garden, there is a short non-demoninational service, which includes some poems read by parents. If you have a favourite poem or one you have written for your baby, please bring it along. Please let us know that you have it with you. You may read it yourself, or ask someone to read it on your behalf if you don't feel it's something you can do yourself.

Parents then have the opportunity to come up to the microphone and give the names of their babies that they are there to remember. After which we have the Dove Release. Followed by refreshments.

The whole thing takes about 45 minutes to 1 hour.

In the moment?

2009-09-25T02:27:00.007-04:00

Peering into the cosmos

Started yoga two weeks ago - ouch! I'll keep it up though because my mental and physical state needs it.

My naturopath prescribed Iamara for me. It's a homeopathic that is specifically for depression due to grief. I can take it along with my regular antidepressants! I've been taking one miniscule white ball a day and it actually seems to help!! I've been able to cut back on one of my medications!

This is a homeopathic remedy that has a much longer track record than modern anti-depressants, is much, much less expensive and you don't have to have a doctor's prescription. I wish my psychiatrist and /or therapist had let me know about this.

So, time is marching on regardless of how I feel about it. At this point Kai has been dead for as long as he lived. It's an unsettling thought. For some reason it just does not feel right for me to experience anything past this point. Usually your child's life goes on past your own.

All these time passages are extremely unsettling to me. It's doesn't match what I feel or what is in my head.

How does one live in the moment?

September!

2009-09-13T02:16:00.006-04:00

Kai's butterfly from the PBSO Butterfly Release in July

I can't believe it's September already! How can time pass so quickly and so slowly all at once? Trying to make sense of it makes my brain hurt.

I received the results of my blood tests that were taken after Kai died and again in the summer. Still no clues as to what happened to him. I'm still experiencing the vertigo that I had when I was pregnant. And I'm still having the muscle spasms, though they aren't as strong as when I was pregnant. Do I really want to know why he died? Would it help? Yes and no. Contradiction. That seems to be my life since Kai died.

I've started getting back into my studio. It's a mess. I left on December 23rd thinking I'd be back to tidy up in the new year before my due date. Didn't happen. Here I am, 8 months later, just getting back to my work. 8 months... almost enough time to have a baby...! See! That is how my mind seems to be working! Everything refers back to my baby boy who is gone! Each time it happens I get a horrible plumetting feeling in my stomach that I cannot stop. For the most part, outwardly, I seem to have recovered from my grief fairly well. But I still can't sleep. I'm not hungry but I eat because I know I have to. I want to hide away from my life but I know I can't. Are things getting better? I don't know. My world feels very different and it's not a comfortable feeling.

Waves

2009-08-23T00:56:00.006-04:00

Siesta Key, Florida 2008

Aargh!

Computer keeps disconnecting from the internet! I don't know enough about these things to trouble shoot the problem! I don't think my brain would be able to handle all the information needed anyway.

Held my second infant last weekend. Our friends daughter is 5 weeks old. She's a beautiful little girl. I held her for about an hour, and I loved it. Of course, my emotions caught up to me later in the day when things had slowed down. I'm not sure if what I'm doing is good for me. So many people say that even years later they have a difficult time around infants. All I know is that I will get an urge to hold a baby and most of the time I can't. So if the chance arises I take it. I've always loved holding babies. In the back of my mind I know I will feel pretty awful afterwards -the pain of a broken heart, anguish, anger - but it doesn't seem to matter. I figure that if I feel all those things afterwards, then it must need to come out. I only get anxious before hand, when I know that I will be visiting or when I become aware that there is a baby in the group. I actually feel very contented when I do hold a baby.

I think to myself: this is what Kai will never get; I hope that he has somehow kept a memory of the times that I held him after he was still born, of how much I loved him in the hours I got to spend with him in the hospital, of how much I still love him and miss him; Kai would be happy that all of my love for him isn't turning into anguish or despair and that the I can share the love I feel for him with these other babies.

I believe that Kai, like most children, would be glad to know that he is loved and missed. He would not want to be the cause of unending sorrow and anguish. I do not want him to think or feel that! It is really difficult to stay afloat some days, but I'll keep trying.

Empty arms in Haliburton

2009-08-11T16:15:00.003-04:00

We went camping last weekend up in Haliburton. This is the view from our campsite. It was my daughter's first camping experience. She wasn't too impressed at first but once we lit a camp fire she seemed to love it! She became "Keeper of the Fire". I brought a picture of Kai to put beside my sleeping bag. It was automatic. Bringing his picture camping was, in some way, a way for me to have both my children camping with us.

There was a nine month old baby boy at another site. I was able to hold him for a while. It was the first time I had held a baby since Kai. I was fine while I held little A, but later in the day the pain came washing over me and I cried and cried. I wanted so badly to hold that little guy again. It just felt so perfect. Kai would be seven months old as of Friday - the first day of our camping trip.

I am really feeling that "empty arms" symptom now. I hate it! It just reminds me that my son is gone and there is nothing I can do about it.

I keep thinking of making a doll of Kai. I am creative, i can do basic sewing and I could create a really artistic little bundle for me to hold. Is that creepy? Is it healthy? I don't know. I just want to hold my baby boy that would be seven months old now.

Me and A.

Wishing . . .

2009-07-28T01:33:00.004-04:00

I've really been pre-occupied these days with wishing I had Kai to hold in my arms. I feel a need to love and nurture him. . . but I can't because he's gone. I've given up on my gardening. I usually love seeding and nurturing my little seedlings until they become flowers and veggies - now it just keeps reminding me of Kai. It hurts.

I don't understand how he could have died? We were both healthy! Isn't that supposed to mean something? The cause of his death was because the umbilical cord detached from the placenta. Apparently the cord was 'withered' where it attached. There was no reason the doctors could find as to why that happened. He was still born at the beginning of 38 weeks. He was chubby! He weighed 6 pounds 12 ounces! He was so perfect in every way except that he wasn't breathing and his heart had stopped beating the day before. Did the cord develop that way . . . did I do something to cause it to form improperly . . . or did I do something that made the cord wither part way through my pregnancy? I hate not knowing - but would knowing be any better?

I hate this. I wish he were here!!!

Darkness

2009-07-16T00:50:00.003-04:00

Toronto, Jan. 2008.

"No matter how dark the moment, love and hope are always possible."
George Chakiris

I hope this is true...

Six Months

2009-07-07T14:01:00.000-04:00

Here I am. It's July 7th. My son would be 6 months old now. I have a photo in our room of our daughter at 6 months old sitting in the grass. I look at it and remember her at six months and wonder what Kai would be like if he had lived . . . and I cry, a lot.

Last night, before my daughter went to sleep we talked a bit about her baby brother, Kai.

We wondered if he would still look just like her? Would he have had more hair? She wanted to know if he would be able to walk yet? Would Kai be doing the same things she did at six months old? I can't tell her, "I don't know and we will never know because he died." So we use our imaginations and try to guess what Kai would be like . . . He would absolutely be in love with his big sister. She would teach him songs and play little hand games with him. We would take him outside, put a blanket down and sit with him on he grass. He would like looking at the trees and sky. She would have to stop him from eating grass, point out cars, dogs, trees and name them for him to hear. We would take turns blowing raspberries on his little belly so that we could hear him make that wonderful baby belly laugh . . . We both smile and cry and these dreams we create.

I give my daughter a big hug so that she can give some of the hug to Kai if he happens to visit her in her dreams like The Beatles once did. She tells me that if I miss Kai too much and need to hug something I can always hug her pink doll if she is sleeping or at a play date. She thinks the doll is about the same size as Kai was (she is right) so even though it's a girl doll, she's the right size and it's easy to pretend it's Kai.

The last couple of weeks have been very difficult. A friend from PBSO pointed out to me that around the sixth month, the grieving process takes a turn for the worse. I think it's labelled "Disorganization and Despair". My frame of mind meets almost all of the characteristics they describe. I feel worse than I did three months ago, everything seems hopeless, i can't eat, i sleep a lot, etc. I guess I can try to take some sort of warped comfort in knowing it is all expected to happen and that I am within the average time frame of grieving . . . I'm not really going out of my mind . . . yet.

In my mind's eye

2009-07-07T00:00:00.000-04:00

What I had pictured this summer to be like ...

Hollow

2009-06-30T02:19:00.000-04:00

Mossy rocks in the Poconos

I really hate this feeling of hollowness that I get.

I learned taiko drumming while I lived in Japan and I feel like I'm one of the big drums; I'm big and sturdy, but when something hits me, instead of a wonderful, full, resonating sound I make a hollow plonk noise. That's how life feels to me. I laugh but I feel "plonk"... I smile i feel "plonk"... I try to be engaged with people... but none of it seems real. It all feels like the wisps of air that comes out of your mouth when you speak on a cold day, and then disappears almost instantly. I'm not able to capture any of those feelings and pull them inside myself to fill me up and make me feel whole.

This hollowness has a slightly different feeling than the one I usually experience when I am clinically depressed. Maybe because this one has a real cause that others can (somewhat) understand.

Feelings of anger and pain are whole and real. I accept them. In a way they make me feel, for lack of a more fitting word, better. I don't feel totally hollow... but... it's not an easy feeling.

I miss my baby boy SO much I can't even quantify it. I fear that my daughter might feel that I love Kai more than her. I don't. But I do miss him more. I tell her every day that I love her and she responds with love back. I tell Kai's picture everyday that I love him ... and I feel lost.

2009-06-29T00:47:00.000-04:00

We went to see the 3D animated movie "UP" this afternoon. I had been warned that a part in the beginning might be a bit difficult. Well, actually I found 2 parts in the beginning a bit difficult, but the rest of the movie was very enjoyable. The two parts in the beginning are only momentary and they are about loss. The rest of the movie deals with (in a hilarious manner) the old man, Mr. Fredrickson, slowly overcoming his losses and grief.

I quite liked the movie. We are almost at the point where Kai would be 6 months old. I cried a bit at the two brief glimpses of Mr. F's losses. In a way, it helped me to release some of my grief over the loss of my son.

Six months later, friends and relatives seem to assume that you are almost back to normal. Nobody calls, nobody visits. Sure, I have longer moments in between feeling overwhelmed by pain and grief, but those heart wrenching moments still appear several times on a daily basis!

Night time is horrible. It's the end of another day that takes me a day farther away from the time I held my still born son. It reminds me that Kai is not in bed beside me. My hand holding his tiny foot and him contentedly breastfeeding, big eyes staring at my face and slowly closing and opening until he falls asleep. Kai is not here. I will never know what he looked like with his eyes open. I will never know his smile or his voice. I can feel my heart crumble in my chest every time I realise these things.

Weekends are very difficult, too. I'm not sure why. Kai died, most likely on a Monday. Tuesday morning we found out he was dead (technically we were told that "his heart is not beating"). I delivered him in the first hour of a Wednesday morning. All these days are during the week. Do I dread the weekend; because it was the last time Kai was alive? Because it leads up to Monday and finding out he wasn't going to be ours to keep and bring home? Because it's two days with my family at home and yet I still feel totally alone? I'm not sure. I've been asking myself about this for a few weeks. So far my "gut instinct" isn't telling me anything. Unless I can pinpoint the reason I dread the weekends it will be difficult to work through and get past. That is one thing I have learned about myself after 20 years of therapy.

Capturing a Short Life documentary film.

2009-06-18T21:13:00.000-04:00

Capturing a Short Life, Canadian Documentary, re-broadcast in Canada
(check the web site for re-broadcast in the U.S.)

Capturing a Short Life a sensitive portrayal of the difficult, heart wrenching and taboo subject of infant loss and the importance of remembering our babies. I found it very sad yet also uplifting. The NILMDTS photographer is Heather Rivlin of Toronto. Marcia, our wonderful NILMDTS photographer recommended we see it. I'm very glad she did.

Capturing A Short Life will re-broadcast on THE LENS on CBC Newsworld on Tuesday July 21 at 10pm Eastern Time, 1amET and 4amET (that equals 7pm, 10pm & 1am Pacific Time - you need to adjust for other time zones).
(remember this is not the main network CBC, but their Newsworld network)

The website for the film is www.capturingashortlife.com

Memory

2009-06-08T17:29:00.000-04:00

It is so much more difficult for me to lose the future (that we had in Kai) than it is to lose the past. The past has memories, relationships, character and mementoes for us to remember it by.

Kai did not have time in our community of family and friends to form these things that would make up a Memory of him.

Even though I know that it is impossible, my greatest fear is that I will forget about my still born son, Kai.

5 Months

2009-06-07T02:08:00.000-04:00

Kai, you would be 5 months old today.
i would be taking you to the park, letting the sun warm your little body. Nara would be telling you about "Little Bear" and reading stories to you. Your dad would be making silly faces at you to see you smile.
I miss you terribly.
Everyday I wonder why you aren't here with us.
I know you are gone and there is nothing that will bring you back to us, but it still hurts.
It will always hurt, I think.
i will always love you and yearn for you.

Koinobori for Kai

2009-05-18T16:17:00.000-04:00

May 5th was Boy's Day in Japan. I made a koinobori (carp wind sock) and hung it outside. Parents hang a carp outside for each son that they have in hopes that they grow strong, determined and resilient. Even though Kai was stillborn, this is one of the things I was looking forward to doing for him. Hopefully he will enjoy the sight of the koinobori wherever he is.

I think for next year I will try to make a lighter and larger carp using some silk. This one was a bit heavy so it didn't fly very well.

With the death of our baby I have begun to find all sorts of occasions in which we can do some sort of project too help us keep Kai in our lives. I'm hoping to start doing some sort of informal memorial keepsake projects at my studio to help other parents that have lost their infants. I'm not sure what projects to do, or when we should get together but it is important to me to reach out to others in similar situations and help them find something to help them keep their child with them. I had a lot of help and guidance when Kai was still born. MY midwife told me that mementoes would be important as well as creating mementoes and memories in the future. She was SO right.

Mother's Day

2009-05-10T02:55:00.000-04:00

It's difficult to believe it's Mother's Day. I had imagined celebrating it this year with my two children. No, it never occurred to me that when my pregnancy was over that I would have what people call an "Angel Baby".

I don't get it. It's been four months since Kai was stillborn and it doesn't make any more sense to me now than it did that snowy Tuesday morning when they told us his heart beat wasn't there. How could my healthy boy just stop breathing. Why didn't someone hint to me that a perfectly healthy pregnancy and baby could result in death! Why did the cord detach from the placenta two weeks before his due date? He looked so healthy and chubby when I delivered him! My head is full of questions that go hurtling through my mind and crash against my skull over and over again. It still seems unreal. If not for the photos of Kai and the fact that my hair is falling out, there would be no clue that I had ever had a second child. I'm supposed to be breastfeeding him, showing our daughter how to hold him, taking him for walks in the sunshine, singing to him, watching him grow... I just cry over a life that was supposed to have been.

Life goes on and our old routines return - even if we cannot bear it.

Ugly Shoes

2009-05-07T19:24:00.000-04:00

Someone posted this on one of the forums I am on. It describes what it is like to go on after your child has died.

I am wearing a pair of shoes.
They are ugly shoes.
Uncomfortable Shoes.
I hate my shoes.
Each day I wear them, and each day I wish I had another pair.
Some days my shoes hurt so bad that I do not think I can take another step.
Yet, I continue to wear them.
I get funny looks wearing these shoes.
They are looks of sympathy.
I can tell in others eyes that they are glad they are my shoes and not theirs.
They never talk about my shoes.
To learn how awful my shoes are might make them uncomfortable.
To truly understand these shoes you must walk in them.
But, once you put them on, you can never take them off.
I now realize that I am not the only one who wears these shoes.
There are many pairs in the world.
Some women are like me and ache daily as they try and walk in them.
Some have learned how to walk in them so they don't hurt quite as much.
Some have worn the shoes so long that days will go by
before they think of how much they hurt.
No woman deserves to wear these shoes.
Yet, because of the shoes I am a stronger women.
These shoes have given me the strength to face anything.
They have made me who I am.
I will forever walk in the shoes of a woman who has lost a child.
Author Unknown

I have to make it myself

2009-05-03T00:39:00.000-04:00

This afternoon I finally finished the card I was making for a Mother's Day card exchange. The card is for another woman who lost her infant. It was organised by a woman in Ontario who has also lost a child. I think it's a great project! We sent her our name and address along with our child's name. She then sent each of us another participants name and information. You have to send a Mother's Day card to the mother that you received and it is done in the name of the child that was lost. I made my card. The mother I received lost a little baby girl. I used my handmade rag paper and decorated it with ribbon, a paper butterfly and paper flowers around the butterfly. I tried to make it a girlish card, like one my daughter would pick for me. I hope she likes it!

I'm fearing Mother's Day. It is two days before Kai would have been four months old. I have not booked anything for that day just in case I end up not being able to cope. I hope it doesn't hit me hard like Easter did.

May 5th is Boy's Day in Japan. I'm trying to make a Koi no bori (carp windsock) to hang outside for our son. I guess I could buy one, but I really feel that I need to make it. This would have been his first Boy's Day. We even have a Japanese jinbei for him. When it's done I'll hang the koinobori outside from our Mulberry tree. Probably no one will understand why it's there but I often feel the need to tell people about Kai - that I had a son over the winter and he was stillborn - that I do all of this to comfort myself and to remember him- people don't want to hear sad stories so instead I make these little tributes for Kai and put them out where everyone can see them. This way I feel like I am telling everyone about our baby boy, but at the same time I am not.

2009-04-27T11:48:00.000-04:00

It's a gorgeous day outside. Here in the house it's difficult to really feel the happy, bright energy of spring. My midwife just left. It was our last appointment. She was the one other person that shared Kai's growth, death and birth with my husband and I. It's a strange felling.

I walked back into the house after hugging her and saying good-bye. She said to 'keep in touch', but I can never tell if people really mean it or if it what they feel they should say. She drove off and I walked back up the steps into my home. Two seconds after stepping in the door I felt my heart drop in my chest and tears began to well up in my eyes. I'm still teary eyed as I write this. Why am I crying? I didn't think saying good-bye to my midwife would be so heart wrenching!...

Slide show for Kai's Funeral

2009-04-19T03:39:00.000-04:00

This slideshow was created for Kai's funeral. It makes me cry every time I watch it. The style of the photos and the music convey the bittersweet emotions that we are going through.

Marcia Leeder is the photographer. She came to the hospital in the middle of a snow storm to take pictures for us. She is a professional photographer that volunteers her time and skill with the non-profit group "Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep" (NILMDTS). The music is by American 19th century composer Robert Forster and performed by Yo Yo Ma and Alison Krauss. This is one of my most cherished keepsakes from our short time with our son.

Thank you NILMDTS and Marcia! You gave us an invaluable gift.

Easter

2009-04-14T00:41:00.000-04:00

This first family holiday was much more difficult than I thought it would be.
My first menstrual cycle has started and my hair is falling out just as it did after our daughter was born. To me these are reminders that I don't have the baby that I was carrying. The baby boy that I was going to be nursing.

All the visions that I'd had of life with a growing baby boy whirred through my head. I looked at my cousin's one year old boy on Good Friday and didn't know if I was going to laugh because he was so adorable, or cry because he reminded me that my son wasn't here for his first family holiday. I became sort of numb to deal with my confusion. The following days were not any better.
This first holiday made me very aware that the baby that we anticipated was gone. An unimaginable feeling of emptiness in my body and heart.

My life never really felt complete. Now it definitely feels like something is missing. Nothing in the world can fill the void that Kai left.

I told my daughter that a parent's love doesn't get divided up when another child is born. Our heart grows larger so that our love will never run out. My heart grew to give Kai love, but he isn't here to receive it. How do I redirect it? What do I do with it, other than mourn my baby?

The Sun is Here

2009-03-26T01:42:00.000-04:00

Spring is here.
It makes me aknowledge the passing of time.
It means I am getting farther away from the day that I last held my infant son.
Farther away from my son.
I want time to stop.
It should always be that day on Jan. 7 when I gave birth to your still little body.
During that snowstorm that lasted for the whole next day making so much of the city stand still.
My baby boy, still.

Always

2009-03-13T18:58:00.000-04:00

One Month

2009-02-07T02:54:00.000-05:00

In two minutes it will be one month since Kai was born...Jan. 7 @ 12:44 am

I had a wonderful dinner and a movie evening with friends and my family. Now I am home. I'm feeling lost again. As if this isn't where I am supposed to be. How can things feel so normal one moment and then feel so strange, sad and disjointed the next minute? How long will this last? Can I handle it for the six month grieving period that most mothers need to get back into life?

I cannot believe it. A whole month has gone by. In some ways it feels like it has been forever, it's all a distant memory. In other ways it feels as fresh as this morning, like it happened yesterday. It is very confusing.

I miss my little guy SO MUCH... I cannot believe that this happened... when will I wake up from this weird dream?... why can't I feel his absence more acutely?... i feel as if my heart keeps breaking over and over again...

12:49 am- at this time a month ago I had just given birth to my still born son and was hoping that some miracle would happen and I would hear him cry. He didn't cry. I went into deep despair. It stopped my uterus from contracting and closed my cervix so that the placenta could not be expelled. I remember not caring.

I sleep every night holding a pillow as if it were Kai. I'm co-sleeping with a pillow. It's not as soft as Kai's skin... it's not as warm as a real baby... Kai should be a month old and here in my arms, not just his picture... he'll never need his own bedroom... just a memory filled box... I'll never know his personality... his voice... his temperment... him...

How did this happen? When exactly did Kai die? ... Why, why why?... it's so surreal... my stomach is flat, how can my body have forgotten my pregnancy so quickly?... perhaps It wasn't real...just a bad dream... a movie in the recesses of my memory that I saw when I was young... is my memory of my baby going to fade?... everything fades... sometimes I cannot stand the hurt... sometimes I hate myself because my life feels like it has skipped over the last ten months... as if I were never pregnant... I hate life because my baby is not part of it... my first born is here in the living, with me... she helps me to keep trying... she doesn't deserve this sorrow... my poor babies... this is SO very difficult.

Hush.

2009-02-01T02:01:00.000-05:00

This is a photo of my son's feet in his dad's hand. Such tiny feet. They will stay tiny forever. He was still born just 2 weeks before his due date. We miss him SO much.

This photograph was taken by "Now I lay Me Down To Sleep's" volunteer professional photographer, Marcia Leeder.