Annual IL Holiday exchange

Every year since my son was stillborn I have participated in a Holiday Gift Exchange for Infant Loss parents. This year I had the privilege to make a gift for Holly's daughter, Eden. I had made a basket full of cast pulp hearts and stars because I was also hosting some fellow IL moms at my studio for a holiday ornament making session.

For Eden.
One side has vintage cotton lace flowers with glass seed bead centres.

I hand set Eden's name and birthdate and then letterpress printed it
 on some lightweight paper.

These are some of our other creations for ornaments.
I wish I had better pictures. They are quite impressive.

This is Viv's that she made for her baby boy. 

So ture

to Enzo's Mommy

"It is funny how the feelings of loss and grief wash up like waves. Some days/months are easier than others... but I haven't quite figured out why. You are supposed to go with the flow and not fight your emotions but it is SO tiring! I'm trying to learn to accept that all a person can do is go with the flow and try to relax enough to stay afloat. I sunk several times in the past year but I guess I've never hit the bottom (even though it feels like I have!) because I keep finding myself eventually fighting to keep afloat. At times like this I wish we could all join in a BIG messy, sobby hug. A big hug that contains compassion, understanding, empathy, love and support. A hug that we all wish we could give our dead babies but give to each other instead."
- part of a note I wrote to Enzo's mother earlier today.
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Christmas this year sucks. Too many new infants in my life and one sweet baby boy who died 10 days ago. He isn't mine. I know his mother from a workshop I taught and she contacted me just before he died. K. (I'm not going to write his name because I am not sure if his mother would want me to) was born premature and fought for 6 more months to stay in this world. When I read his mother's e-mail to me I had one of those film style flashbacks of my time with my son and the pain of his death. The absolute, piercing feeling of despair at having to leave my child in a cold sterile room when I had to go home. It saddened me to think that she might have the same piercing emotions. No one should have to experience emotions that are so strong, intense, painful and disturbing!... but we do... and we have to deal with the echoing after effects of this huge shock. Is this how the saying, "Life isn't fair." first came about, because it is SO true!

Tonight, for October 15th Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Day,
we lit candles at 7 pm to remember Kai and all his friends out in the universe.

Our candles by the front room window. We light the large pillar candle on Kai's birthday as well. We have one for our daughter that we light on her birthday so we thought it would be right that Kai have one , too.

My daughter helped me write all our babies' names on the candles, arrange them and light them.
She even sent an e-mail to her Teacher skiing if it would be possible to have Oct. 14th mentioned on the school announcements!   I did warn her that they probably wouldn't do it but she said that it would be fine. She just wanted to ask. I'm so in awe of her. I was never that aware in grade 6.

Balloons - Aug. 19th.

Kai's balloons with the names of some of our friends"Angel" babies written
on a piece of washi paper and tied to the cotton string.

My friend and fellow IL mom letting our boys' balloons fly.
We decided to let them go from the "crow's nest" of the pirate ship play structure!

Going, going...

...almost gone. We watched them until we couldn't see them anymore.

The names of some of Kai and Oscar's playmates in the sky.

Accept?

at the Beach in Ofir, Portugal. I was visiting my best friend in Portugal.  We went to the Atlantic ocean where it was terribly windy.

These days all my energy goes towards trying to accept.
Accept that I lost my son. Accept that no one will ever know why. Accept that know matter what I want to think, it was in no way my fault. Accept that I will not have a Rainbow child. Accept that adoption is unlikely because of our finances, me mental history, our ages. Accept that every time a friend announces she is pregnant  or has a baby I will experiences massively conflicting emotions of joy, grief and jealousy. Accept that there is nothing I can do to change the void that is left in my heart when it grew bigger to with love for my second child that died before he was born. Accept that now part of my heart hangs like a deflated balloon in my chest as a constant reminder of what was to be...but isn't.

An event I've organised for Aug. 19th.  this year. It's a balloon
release and a pot luck picnic dinner at our local beach.

Teetering

Kai's red dogwood tree this spring.

It's been almost three and a half three years. I've always felt my life was ill balanced but after Kai's death it became even worse. For a while it was better... but now when I start to lose my balance I find it very difficult to right myself again. I know I have to for my daughter...but the unbalanced thoughts in my head tell me that she has her daddy and so Kai needs his mommy... and the pain of being here gets to be overwhelming at times.
There is a whole crop of brand new infants on the street by my studio. All of them are boys. I'm so relieved that all the parents had healthy, living babies. They are adorable! But I also get a feeling of being kicked or stabbed in my stomach. I can't have a "Rainbow" child. I had hoped we could but it didn't work out that way. My cycle is already slowing down. I see those happy parents with their adorable new children and I feel like an absolute failure at life. I know I'm not supposed to think that...but it is difficult.
I wish we could adopt but we can't. We don't have the money and as a past psychiatric in-patient I am not the best candidate for a mom.
Kai, what did I do wrong? Why did your cord whither where it attached to the placenta? I wish you could tell me...

Isn't it strange.

Most of the time I don't know the day of the week. The date in the month is even worse. So, I find it interesting/strange/weird that I seem to instinctively know when the 7th of each month comes up. The 7th is the date Kai was born on. Several other IL mother's that I know also share the same sort of instinct for their child's birth/death date and author Beth Powning mentions the same thing in her book, "The Shadow Child".  As I do every day, I thought about my son. It was a warm day and there were couples out pushing their new infants in prams. I was a bit jealous. I took a walk and I passed by the natural toddler park that was built the year Kai died. I remembered imagining my future toddler play there when I was pregnant with him.

* Full moon wishing candles * Light a candle for your wishes *

This is a nice site my friend directed me to. I lit a candle for Kai today.
* Full moon wishing candles * Light a candle for your wishes *

Really?!?!

Can't sleep because of this article in MacLean's which is a national Canadian news magazine.
"Are we over-sharing lost pregnancies? devastated by perinatal death, parents reach out in sometimes disturbingly public ways.

It is fairly upsetting for me to read even though I can tell the author is trying to mainly be informative. I want to write a "Response" but my brain is tossing all my thoughts about in great jumbles of hurt, anger, sadness, distress, reasoning and...and...other stuff!

http://www2.macleans.ca/2012/02/29/the-mourning-after/

...

I still don't know what to say.
that's why i haven't written.

my heart still aches for my son.
the tears still trickle.
my chest still tightens.
i cry in the shower.
i cry before i go to sleep.
i sit and stare at his picture.
i hold a doll like it is my son
... but i hug it tighter than i could if it were him.
i still blame myself.
i still wish.
memories still snap into my consciousness.
my heart breaks over and over.
i move forward in time
dealing with all this and trying to harmonize my son's death into my life.
it never really works.
i "pinterest" and look at all the positive quotes I have collected
all the beauty and inspiration i have collected.
i see my psychiatrist.
i go to a support group.
i don't watch the news or read newspapers.
i do card exchanges, gift exchanges, get togethers.
i attend candle lightings, butterfly releases, birthdays for children that are not here.
i talk to my son.
i cry to him.
i wish i could dream of him.

The old water pump at Chase Farm. It used to be right beside the barn.

the holidays are the days before we learned our healthy baby's heart stopped. the days when we were anticipating our second child who was supposed to arrive towards the end of January. On this day I was hoping that maybe he would be born early because I knew that now his lungs and heart were mature enough for him to be healthy and survive. My then seven year old daughter was even able to hear her brothers heartbeat and make him kick at my appointment two days earlier! we were unaware that we would not get our baby boy and brother. Yes, he would be born early but he would never get a birth certificate. we would never hear him cry, see his eyes look into ours, see his toes and fingers wiggle... we would never get to take him home to love and nurture. He was healthy and strong until his heart stopped beating the day before he was stillborn at 38 weeks. Born early like I had wanted... but maybe I hadn't specified that he was supposed to be alive as well? i thought that it was a given that I would want my son to be alive...guess not. my mistake? he was perfect in every way except he had no heartbeat and no breath, which in reality is far from perfect. he was perfect even with this lack of perfection. He seemed to be sleeping too peacefully. i wanted him to wake up. i wanted his bright red lips to turn pink. his bluish skin to turn pink...like his sister's was when she was born only without the "cottage cheese-y" stuff she had all over her from being an emergency c-section. i didn't want to be afraid of him... but i was. i'm sorry sweetpea.

memories make us who we are. it's too bad that some of them hurt so much but memories are all I have of Kai. i would not get rid of the memories of my time with him for anything. I will deal with the pain and heartbreak as long as I can have the memories of my son.

Race Point Life Saving Stn. Cape Cod. Breeches Buoy apparatus.

Depression comes very quickly, easily and frequently. I wish contentment came just as easily, quickly and frequently. Then... maybe... life would be a bit more bearable.

Provincetown

Kai, your sister was thinking of you on our first day in Provincetown.
She wrote your name on the beach while we were walking. It's low tide so no waves for her to battle!
We all miss you.

Oct. 15th

Today, Oct. 15th, is International Infant Loss Day. Light a candle in your window at 7 pm until 8 pm in remembrance of all the babies that left their families much too soon. We were going to go down to the beach to light our candle but it is supposed to rain all day. Instead we will join a group remembrance at a hospital in Mississauga.
I love/hate these gatherings.
I hate going because it makes me so sad to see so many people whose lives have been affected by infant loss. I hate going because I don't want to be an Infant Loss parent!
I love going because it gives me a chance to really cry without feeling self conscious or silly. I love going because it gives me a chance to talk to others who have been there and understand that I am not constantly going crazy!
I posted the information as my status on facebook yesterday. Several of my friends wrote back that they will light a candle for Kai. Thank you! It warms my heart to know that some of my friends are caring enough to reply and light a candle. It helps to know that they aren't afraid to mention him, remember him, or do something for him. They are SO wonderful and I am thankful for them.

Why is it like this?

It's SO difficult sometimes!

I go out. I do things. I see people. I still feel bad. I see new mommies everywhere. I see new babies everywhere. I see older new mommies everywhere. I feel like I am being stabbed in the stomach. I feel like I'm being punished for something but I don't know what. I know that I can get through it. But sometimes, like today, I wonder if it I am supposed to. My psych says that I'm thinking this way because I'm getting depressed... uh-huh... I know. I tell myself... I'm amazing... I have two beautiful children (unfortunately the youngest one died before he had a chance to be born!)... I have a caring loving husband... I have a healthy, smart, beautiful daughter... I'm talented... I'm strong... I'm smart.......... and I feel like I'm trying to brainwash myself. Why can't I just be happy with what I have? What is wrong with me?!?!

Stillbirth

...Stillbirth is an "Equal Opportunity Destroyer of Dreams". It cuts across age lines, color lines, race lines, class lines, and all lines. Norman Rockwell type mothers can have stillbirths and "drug addicted mothers" can have live births. At present there's no way to predict who will be next. Though stillbirth is as random as lightening strikes in a thunderstorm it is rarely caused by anything the mother did or didn't do during her pregnancy. 

 It is the last unknown mystery of obstetrics....

2 years 8 months and still...

A photo that I took last fall. I think I'll do another this fall on a different kind of leaf.

I spent today looking at the facebook infant loss groups I belong to. Finding comfort in all the posts. A terrible kind of comfort. In my everyday world of being I feel very alone. I can't casually talk about how I am really feeling. I can't say to the guy at the cafe, "Thanks for the tea. Have a good day. Mine will suck because I lost my son before he was born and no one knows why. My daughter is lonely and really, really wanted a sibling and I disappointed her.  We have been trying to get pregnant naturally for more than a year and a half and all I do is miscarry but there is nothing wrong with me or my husband aside from our age.". But that is what I want to talk about!

I was crushed last weekend when my daughter called from her friend's house asking if she could stay until after dinner because someone was going to be visiting and bringing their baby. I felt like... a failure. And I was jealous of this woman with a baby who could so easily catch my daughter's attention before they had even met! I want the new mommies exercise group that meets in the park across from my house to go away... or at least let me look after their babies while they exercise. I hate feeling this way. I don't like having negative feelings for people I don't know. I don't like feeling jealous because someone has a baby to coo over, love and hold and mine never made it home. I don't like feeling like I can't rely on my own body or my own mind. I know it takes time and that even with time the emptiness will still be there but it will become more a part of me. I will adapt and learn to live with that emptiness and it will become my new normal. But I have never had an old normal! Actually, my old normal was being chronically depressed for the last thirty years. I'm unsure of how to incorporate the new emptiness and sadness with the old emptiness and sadness... this is so hard... I've begun collecting words of wisdom, quotes, and inspiration on Pinterest. I read them over and over to myself. Some express how I feel (and I didn't even write them so that means someone else out there feels the same way!), some are ways in which to think, some are reminders and some just feel right. My therapist told me I should pin them up on the walls so I have begun making little quote scrapbook pages in Scrapblog. I'll get them printed as photos and put them up beside my dresser. I hope it works... if I ever finish making them.

Misery loves company.
It's true. It is no good to feel this kind of misery and have no one to talk about it with - no one to share it with who can understand and who isn't afraid to let you know or see that they understand. Yes, I have my husband and he is wonderful but he's not very good at being emotional support in terms of talking and expressing. He listens. But a lot of the time I feel like I'm talking to a mannequin. He tries... but I don't think he gets that I need more than someone who will listen and look after making sure I have tea to drink or that I've taken my meds.

Would it be incorrect or macabre to have an infant loss social club where we could get together face to face to talk and give each other hugs and tissues over wine and cheese?  I really need talking about Kai, the emotions tied to losing him, the memories to be part of my everyday world. Not just the world In my head or in my house.

One of my favourites from a photographer on DeviantArt,  ~engravedwithMusic. She's even from Canada!

My answers

Yes. I know that at age 44 the chances of me having a totally healthy baby is not great. I know that my chances of getting pregnant at my age are not good.

No. I don't think that I would be putting my child at risk because of my age. There is always a risk no mtter what the age.

Yes, I realize the chances of my child having Down's Syndrome are much higher at me age.

Yes. I know I have a wonderful, healthy daughter and yes, I do love her with all my heart. Just because I want another child doesn't mean I would love her less. Do people who have a second, third or fourth child love their first born less?

Yes. I know that some people don't even have one child. Does that mean no-one should have a child or want a child?

Yes, I'm being selfish for wanting another child. There are pretty much ONLY selfish reasons for wanting a child. But that is not necessarily a bad thing. WHo says to themselves, "I don't want to give birth to a child but I'll do it anyway to populate my country or because it's my duty!"?

If Kai had lived would you still be saying these stupid things to me about trying to have another child?

Yes, I will be an older parent and the odds of me dying of old age are greater... but I unfortunately know young parents who have died of illness or accident and left young children behind as well. I've learned the hard way that for death age doesn't matter!

Why are people so quick to point out all the bad things about me having another baby? Do they really think it helps? Do they think that all these things haven't already gone through my mind hundreds of times? My healthy baby died for no known reason! Of course I go through everything that might happen... I weigh the pros and cons... but in the end it comes down to, - in ten years, if I didn't try to have another child because of whatever reason (fear of what may happen), would I greatly regret my decision? Yes, I would and my husband agrees as well.

So, please don't ask me questions as if I am naive about having a baby. I am not.  Once you have had an infant loss there is no way that you can be naive about pregnancy and childbirth! I actually wish that I could know a little less about all the things that can and do go wrong!

What I need from my friends is support and encouragement. I've already got all the negative stuff in my head! I need my friends to help me keep a balance.

Being strong

I found this in Pinterest. How true. I never thought I could be strong enough to go  through a natural birth knowing that my son was already dead just two weeks before he was due. I also didn't think I would be able to deal with living without him. But I'm still here. trying one day at a time.

Sailing

This is so beautiful. Hugs, tender human contact is so lacking in this world. 

I grew up without hugs and I always wondered if I was loved. I hug my daughter every day at least once. I miss being able to hug my son. Hugging Kai's photo just didn't work for me. Recently we bought a Dick Bruna stuffed toy. It's his little sailor character from one of his stories. The sailor is about the same size as Kai was when he was born. The plush sailor was really difficult to find. 

I think they discontinued making the plush little children characters a while ago. I first saw them 12 years ago when we lived in Japan. At that time I jokingly asked my husband to buy one because then we would have our own little care free baby! 

When Kai was stillborn I thought of the little plush Dick Bruna kids from Japan. We looked all over for such a long time and then we found one at an asian toy collector's store in an asian mall in Toronto. They only had the sailor which was amazing since Kai's name means "the sea" in Hawaiian! He was almost $100.00! but I'm so glad we bought him. I hug my little Dick Bruna sailor and hope that he sets sail on the ocean of a universe and delivers my hugs to Kai.

I miss you SO much sweetpea!!