My answers

Yes. I know that at age 44 the chances of me having a totally healthy baby is not great. I know that my chances of getting pregnant at my age are not good.

No. I don't think that I would be putting my child at risk because of my age. There is always a risk no mtter what the age.

Yes, I realize the chances of my child having Down's Syndrome are much higher at me age.

Yes. I know I have a wonderful, healthy daughter and yes, I do love her with all my heart. Just because I want another child doesn't mean I would love her less. Do people who have a second, third or fourth child love their first born less?

Yes. I know that some people don't even have one child. Does that mean no-one should have a child or want a child?

Yes, I'm being selfish for wanting another child. There are pretty much ONLY selfish reasons for wanting a child. But that is not necessarily a bad thing. WHo says to themselves, "I don't want to give birth to a child but I'll do it anyway to populate my country or because it's my duty!"?

If Kai had lived would you still be saying these stupid things to me about trying to have another child?

Yes, I will be an older parent and the odds of me dying of old age are greater... but I unfortunately know young parents who have died of illness or accident and left young children behind as well. I've learned the hard way that for death age doesn't matter!

Why are people so quick to point out all the bad things about me having another baby? Do they really think it helps? Do they think that all these things haven't already gone through my mind hundreds of times? My healthy baby died for no known reason! Of course I go through everything that might happen... I weigh the pros and cons... but in the end it comes down to, - in ten years, if I didn't try to have another child because of whatever reason (fear of what may happen), would I greatly regret my decision? Yes, I would and my husband agrees as well.

So, please don't ask me questions as if I am naive about having a baby. I am not.  Once you have had an infant loss there is no way that you can be naive about pregnancy and childbirth! I actually wish that I could know a little less about all the things that can and do go wrong!

What I need from my friends is support and encouragement. I've already got all the negative stuff in my head! I need my friends to help me keep a balance.

Life...it goes on.

Kai's name on the beach made from gathered sea shells and sea weed.
Sunny Isles, Florida.

Kai's big sister writing his name in the sand at Turtle Beach.
Sarasota, FL.

She had to write his name so many times because they kept getting washed away before she could finish and have a photo taken! This one finally worked!

2011...

Fallen icicles on Allen St.

uh huh. Feeling kind of numb. Have been for several weeks. Not happy, but no tears. It horrifies me ...but... I look at Kai's pictures and he doesn't seem real. He's a very cute baby... but I feel like the memories I have are from a movie I watched a long time ago. He's the baby from the movie. I don't really feel a direct connection to him. I used to look at his pictures and instantly feel an overwhelming pain and loss. Like I'd lost my heart and needed to get it back at all cost! I'd feel frantic! Numb is less painful... but scarier. I remember this kind of feeling from when I would get extremely depressed. I don't feel extremely depressed. I'm a little confused... Is this normal? ...Am I forgetting my son? ...Am i depressed but not in a way that is familiar to me?... is my mind protecting me? ...Should I try and force the numbness away?

I think this must be what it's like when you start having memory loss in your old age.  It scares me. I don't want to forget my son and the emotions that are connected to him. Yes. Almost are of those emotions are painful ... but I'll never laugh at his questions or be so happy when he takes his first steps... those emotions will never be associated with him because those events will never be happily associated with him. Most of the emotions I have with him are painful. If I lose the first hand knowledge of that pain, do I lose my memory of him? It's not that I want to dwell on the pain of losing him... but that is the emotion I associate with him. It's the one that overshadows all the other emotions I had... the pride that he was so perfect, so healthy looking for a dead baby... the pride I should have felt because I had an almost perfect natural birth (only my baby was already dead, so it wasn't quite so perfect!)...the love my husband, daughter and I had for Kai that I thought would be enough to bring us a "Disney moment"... the love, comfort and support I felt from my midwives, doula and hospital staff... those emotions and feelings all exist with Kai, but still the   emotion that surrounds it all is pain from loss, sadness, guilt, frustration, anger, disbelief...

I know all those emotions are there... I just don't feel any of them right now... why?

Merry Christmas Kai

Family holidays without a member of your family is SO difficult! Almost too difficult when it is a child... but we managed. I decided to participate in two infant loss holiday exchanges hoping that it would get me into the holiday mood as well as give me some time during this busy season to slow down and think of my son and hopefully add a little bit of a bittersweet smile to some other parents' holiday because their little babies are now known and thought of by one more person. 

In exchange for the two ornaments I sent, I received another hand decorated ornament and a gift package!

The ornament is decorated with Kai's name on the front and his stillbirth date on the back... all done in glitter. It's beautiful! Subtle colours. I love it and it looks great on our tree! 

The package contained items for Kai, me, my husband and daughter. Kai's name means "the sea" in Hawaiian and he was born during a snowstorm. These are things I associate with my son.  In the package were items that symbolized snow and sea!... many were wonderfully handmade! On Jan. 7th we are going to have a little birthday party for Kai.  I'm going to play the CD when we use the "FLying Wish Papers" on his day! The shell ring, feather, shell and stone that looks like ice are all in his Butsudan in the living room. His beautiful blue ornament will go there as well when we take down the tree.

This is the beautiful ornament that I received in the ornament exchange from the Remembering Together Holiday Swap.
Thank you SO much Tracey for the beautiful ornament! 

A very thoughtful gift from the Faces of Loss gift exchange.

Jackie included two very special rings for my daughter and a special calendar for my husband.

Jackie made this snowflake ornament with beads spelling out Kai's name. We hung it outside on his red flowering dogwood tree with the other ornaments we made.

I picked up these aluminum heart tags at the Movies and Makers Craft  Show that I participated in. I thought they would be perfect for decorating and putting on Kai's tree for the holidays. Martha (the craftsperson who made them) gave me an extra package when she found out what I was going to do with them so I was able to give some to members of the PBSO support group I go to!
Thank you Martha!

Ornament from mommy.

Ornament from Kai's big sister.

Ornament from Daddy.

Oct. 15th! Toronto, ON Canada

Please do what you can to support this cause. After our son Kai's death I learned that most people know very little about Perinatal death (unless you've gone through it) even though it can randomly happen to any pregnant woman. I also learned that most people, including doctors and other professionals are ignorant about the affects of this kind of loss on the mothers, fathers and siblings. We need this day to help us not be ashamed of remembering our wee lost children.

My daughter's friend releasing a butterfly for Kai at this year's PBSO Butterfly Release

Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Day ~ October 15th~ recognized in Ontario Canada

PERINATAL BEREAVEMENT SERVICES ONTARIO

Hello All,


I am putting a call out to all of you who are living in Ontario, Canada. On October 15th, Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Day, Perinatal Bereavement Services Ontario will be hosting a rally at the Ontario Legislation Building at Queens Park in Toronto.


We need your support to help us make the Ontario government see that that October 15th should be recognized all across Canada.


Come out and rally with us at Queens Park. We will then gather petition signatures.


You can view the online event at http://www.facebook.com/home.php?#!/e...


Come out and show your support on October 15th.

	Friday, October 15 · 10:00am - 11:30pm
Location	Legislature Assembly of Ontario Queens Park
More Info	Our Rally is being held on the grounds of the Legislature Assembly of Ontario at Queens Park. The rally will last approximately one hour and we will then leave Queens Park and gather petition signatures to have Oct 15th recognized as Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Day in Ontario.

Beautiful clouds above our neighbourhood on Sept. 10/10

This is a note I wrote in a discussion page for group called Stories of Babies Born Still (S.O.B.B.).


We lost Kai about a month before you lost Seth! Kai was stillborn on Jan. 7th, 2009 at 38 weeks. My sister has never spoken or aknowledged that Kai existed. Even during our stay with her for a week on vacation. My husband, daughter and I talk about Kai several times a week. The only people from our families that were helpful after the funeral were my sister-in-law who would come and help me look after my daughter on the nights my husband worked late, and my brother who would babysit my daughter on the nights we went to a perinatal loss support group. They were great... but now no-one talks about him and in many ways they act like Kai never existed. 

Yeah. I don't really care what others think. I know in my heart that he is a part of my life and always will be, just like my living daughter! The pain and heartbreak I feel when I think of him is just a reminder that I love him and miss him. There aren't many parents who wouldn't wish for all their children to be safe and with them, especially when their children are young . Why should it be any different just because our child died? 

I am very lucky. My husband understands my need to remember Kai and understands that it's better for us to keep Kai in our lives. Our daughter keeps a photo of her brother beside her bed and talks about him with her friends (ie. You are SO lucky you have a brother/sister. I wish my brother were here!) We were all looking forward to sharing a future with him. This isn't the future I pictured, but I still want to share it with my son. I recently miscarried at 9 weeks. When we told my daughter she wanted to know if it was a boy or a girl and what we should name the baby! I told her it was too early to know the gender so she suggested a name that could be a boys or girl's. Her choice..."Bean". So now, in her mind she has two siblings!

We have a Butsudan (a Bhuddist shrine for family and ancestors) in the living room with his photos, ashes, little poems, gifts, etc. I make a point to put fresh flowers or pretty weeds there. My daughter makes cards and notes for him and put them there. I figure, everyone in a family gets a space like a bedroom for themselves and their things... well, Kai doesn't need a whole room. He didn't live long enough to have many things so he only needs a small area in our living room. 

Some people are uncomfortable about the things we do to keep our sons memory alive. We don't do anything dangerous or crazy! Balloons, a tree, candle lightings, birthday gathering, photos, talking, making things, very normal! 

Whatever other people think or feel, I love my children with all my heart and soul! If one of them is not here I will miss them with all of my heart and soul until I see them again. I don't think that is a bad thing.

Yes, please keep your child's memory alive! It can and will be at times, painful and heartbreaking to be a parent of a living child! Having one baby die brings those two emotions into your life much earlier. Either way, you are a parent!

Much love and hugs,
A.

Summertime

At my mother-in-laws birthday a few weeks ago I was still dealing with the after effects of my miscarriage. Not so fun since I was at the cottage and there were a whole bunch of people all crammed into one cottage with one bathroom! I managed to lose myself by puttering along the shore of the lake gathering tiny shells. During the birthday celebration my mother-in law exclaimed how lucky she was to have all her children and all her grandchildren there for her birthday. Yes, she was very lucky and I know that she did not mean anything by it - but all I could think was, "...but one of your grandchildren isn't here! My baby isn't here! He should be here." I went someplace away from everyone to cry for a bit. I'm glad I have learned to let allow myself time to cry. It didn't last long and I was able to get back to the celebration and feel pretty much okay.

There is a closet door at the cottage where all the grandchildren's heights are recorded every year when they are there. I've asked my husband if he thinks it would be alright to add Kai's height to the door and so the next time I'm up at the cottage I will take the black 'sharpie' and add our son's name, birth/death date and length of 17 inches to the door!

 Puttering around at my in-laws cottage.

Last weekend we attended the Haliburton Scout Reserve Alumni Weekend and camped at the water's edge like we did last year. It felt very strange doing the same things as we had done a year ago. A year. Last year I was at this same spot thinking  and crying about our son who had died less than a year ago. We were using the same tent that we had gotten in anticipation of having a second child that we would be camping with. There was lots of extra space inside. I put my photos of Kai in a spot beside my sleeping bag. The Saturday was the 7th of the month marking Kai's 19th month. My husband picked flowers to keep with us at our campsite. They are in the foreground of the photo below. Nothing fancy -they're sitting in a Tim Horton's cup - but it was nice having something to look at that we brought just for Kai, to symbolize his special day and our memory.

 Camping in Haliburton and making jewelry from nature!

Last year the little guy below was nine months at the Alumni Weekend. He was the first baby boy I had held since Kai. He's now almost two years old! I loved playing with him and watching him play and discover! He's such a happy, good natured child! As much as I loved playing and watching A, I did have a couple of times where my heart dropped to my stomach and I thought of Kai who would be a month younger than this cutie. What would my son be like? Would he be as happy? would the two of them "play" together? How big would Kai be? What would he look like?... Is this what it would be like playing with Kai? The thoughts hurt my chest. I cried and let the tears soak into my husband's shoulder for a couple of minutes and then they were gone. The heartache lifted and I was once again able to enjoy watching A play.

What a cutie! A. is just a month older than Kai.