Beautiful clouds above our neighbourhood on Sept. 10/10

This is a note I wrote in a discussion page for group called Stories of Babies Born Still (S.O.B.B.).


We lost Kai about a month before you lost Seth! Kai was stillborn on Jan. 7th, 2009 at 38 weeks. My sister has never spoken or aknowledged that Kai existed. Even during our stay with her for a week on vacation. My husband, daughter and I talk about Kai several times a week. The only people from our families that were helpful after the funeral were my sister-in-law who would come and help me look after my daughter on the nights my husband worked late, and my brother who would babysit my daughter on the nights we went to a perinatal loss support group. They were great... but now no-one talks about him and in many ways they act like Kai never existed. 

Yeah. I don't really care what others think. I know in my heart that he is a part of my life and always will be, just like my living daughter! The pain and heartbreak I feel when I think of him is just a reminder that I love him and miss him. There aren't many parents who wouldn't wish for all their children to be safe and with them, especially when their children are young . Why should it be any different just because our child died? 

I am very lucky. My husband understands my need to remember Kai and understands that it's better for us to keep Kai in our lives. Our daughter keeps a photo of her brother beside her bed and talks about him with her friends (ie. You are SO lucky you have a brother/sister. I wish my brother were here!) We were all looking forward to sharing a future with him. This isn't the future I pictured, but I still want to share it with my son. I recently miscarried at 9 weeks. When we told my daughter she wanted to know if it was a boy or a girl and what we should name the baby! I told her it was too early to know the gender so she suggested a name that could be a boys or girl's. Her choice..."Bean". So now, in her mind she has two siblings!

We have a Butsudan (a Bhuddist shrine for family and ancestors) in the living room with his photos, ashes, little poems, gifts, etc. I make a point to put fresh flowers or pretty weeds there. My daughter makes cards and notes for him and put them there. I figure, everyone in a family gets a space like a bedroom for themselves and their things... well, Kai doesn't need a whole room. He didn't live long enough to have many things so he only needs a small area in our living room. 

Some people are uncomfortable about the things we do to keep our sons memory alive. We don't do anything dangerous or crazy! Balloons, a tree, candle lightings, birthday gathering, photos, talking, making things, very normal! 

Whatever other people think or feel, I love my children with all my heart and soul! If one of them is not here I will miss them with all of my heart and soul until I see them again. I don't think that is a bad thing.

Yes, please keep your child's memory alive! It can and will be at times, painful and heartbreaking to be a parent of a living child! Having one baby die brings those two emotions into your life much earlier. Either way, you are a parent!

Much love and hugs,
A.