First Vacation in the Year of Firsts

We left last Friday for the Poconos. It's a bit of a drive but since Kai died I haven't been working and we don't have the spare cash to fly someplace warm. At least it's pretty and quiet here. We were here two years ago - when we didn't even have the thought that we would lose a child. It has been difficult coming back and seeing some of the same things that we saw two years ago. So much has changed in my life and I had no clue the first time I was here.

I dreaded going on vacation. I felt, again, like I was abandoning Kai. It hurt to think that just three of us would be going away. Last fall when we went on vacation our daughter kept making plans for our vacation this year with her little brother. How we would have to pack the car; where we would stop; how we would have to plan our activities so that her brother could have fun too. All those memories stab me with pain when I think of them. When we left Friday afternoon I was fine. Scared - but fine. My daughter asked that we play my Coldplay, Viva La Vida CD. Great! No Hannah Montana for at least the first little while! When the CD got to the title song I recalled that wonderful Youtube video of the children of PS22 singing the song. Then I recalled that I first saw that video when I was still pregnant. Then I started crying. I looked out the window so that my husband and daughter couldn't see me crying. It bugs me that my husband can't deal with my tears. He just pretends like nothing is happening. It hurts. My daughter hugs me and tries to comfort me - but that is not her job. She's just a little girl. I am glad that she is compassionate, though.

We're staying at a resort that is on the Delaware River. It's beautiful here. The units we are in are older. Probably first built in the '60s or early '70s. Not luxurious, but quaint and at least clean. The units are grouped like houses on a small country road. Lots of open lawn areas, big old trees, and little gardens. I teared up when I looked around. In my mind I saw my family having a picnic under the huge evergreen behind our unit. Our daughter was entertaining her baby brother while my husband and I got the food ready. Over by the river where there is a huge flat area and a swing set I envisioned my husband and daughter playing soccer while I sat and swung gently in the swing with Kai. Is this what is called daydreaming? I wish my mind didn't wander into these fantasies that hurt. How do you stop it? Are you supposed to stop them or is it better for one's mental health to just let them happen and feel all that pain rising in your chest and taking over? It's probably the latter. So far dealing with our son's death in a healthy manner means allowing myself to feel all the horrible, painful emotions of grieving.

Our first Walk to Remember

Waiting for the doves to be released.

... and off they flew. 

Oct. 4th we attended the PBSO Walk to Remember at Mt. Pleasant Cemetery... waited in the cemetery; walked in the rain; heard too many names of infants who are missed; watched about 30 doves soar into the sky while a little girl asked "Where are they going?" and then, "Why are they going away?"; met others that have found a way to keep on going; met three beautiful rainbows; cuddled friends' baby boy (thank you!); ate a comforting dinner with my family... all the while thinking of our son.

Why did you go away?

Oct. 15th Light a Candle

Candle lit at Kai's memorial in January 2009.

"Lights of Love" International Wave of Light for October 15th Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day

October 15th is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance day.  At 19:00 pm on this night in ALL time zones all over the world participants will be lighting a candle ( in a window if possible ) and leave it burning for at least an hour.  The result is a continuous chain of light spanning the globe for a 24 hour period in honor and remembrance of our children.

I received this notice from a few different sources. It's a beautiful, simple idea for Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Day.

( In Canada, the Federal Government does not recognize October 15th as Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day and I think only two Provincial Governments recognise it.) 

PBSO Walk to Remember

Rainbows in Pennsylvania

For those of you in Toronto, PBSO is having their annual Walk to Remember on Sunday Oct. 4th at 2:00 pm. Here is some of the information I was sent:

 

The "walk" takes about 15 - 20 minutes and will happen "rain or shine".

 Meet inside the East gates of Mt. Pleasant Cemetery and walk to The Children's Garden. 

 

When we reach the Children's Garden, there is a short non-demoninational service, which includes some poems read by parents. If you have a favourite poem or one you have written for your baby, please bring it along. Please let us know that you have it with you. You may read it yourself, or ask someone to read it on your behalf if you don't feel it's something you can do yourself.

 

Parents then have the opportunity to come up to the microphone and give the names of their babies that they are there to remember. After which we have the Dove Release. Followed by refreshments.

 

The whole thing takes about 45 minutes to 1 hour.

In the moment?

Peering into the cosmos

Started yoga two weeks ago - ouch! I'll keep it up though because my mental and physical state needs it.

My naturopath prescribed Iamara for me. It's a homeopathic that is specifically for depression due to grief. I can take it along with my regular antidepressants! I've been taking one miniscule white ball a day and it actually seems to help!! I've been able to cut back on one of my medications! 

This is a homeopathic remedy that has a much longer track record than modern anti-depressants, is much, much less expensive and you don't have to have a doctor's prescription. I wish my psychiatrist and /or therapist had let me know about this. 

So, time is marching on regardless of how I feel about it. At this point Kai has been dead for as long as he lived. It's an unsettling thought. For some reason it just does not feel right for me to experience anything past this point. Usually your child's life goes on past your own. 

All these time passages are extremely unsettling to me. It's doesn't match what I feel or what is in my head. 

How does one live in the moment? 

September!

Kai's butterfly from the PBSO Butterfly Release in July

I can't believe it's September already!  How can time pass so quickly and so slowly all at once? Trying to make sense of it makes my brain hurt. 

I received the results of my blood tests that were taken after Kai died and again in the summer. Still no clues as to what happened to him. I'm still experiencing the vertigo that I had when I was pregnant. And I'm still having the muscle spasms, though they aren't as strong as when I was pregnant. Do I really want to know why he died? Would it help? Yes and no. Contradiction. That seems to be my life since Kai died. 

I've started getting back into my studio. It's a mess. I left on December 23rd thinking I'd be back to tidy up in the new year before my due date. Didn't happen. Here I am, 8 months later, just getting back to my work. 8 months... almost enough time to have a baby...! See! That is how my mind seems to be working! Everything refers back to my baby boy who is gone! Each time it happens I get a horrible plumetting  feeling in my stomach that I cannot stop. For the most part, outwardly, I seem to have recovered from my grief fairly well. But I still can't sleep. I'm not hungry but I eat because I know I have to. I want to hide away from my life but I know I can't. Are things getting better? I don't know. My world feels very different and it's not a comfortable feeling.

Waves

Siesta Key, Florida 2008

Aargh!

Computer keeps disconnecting from the internet! I don't know enough about these things to trouble shoot the problem! I don't think my brain would be able to handle all the information needed anyway.

Held my second infant last weekend. Our friends daughter is 5 weeks old. She's a beautiful little girl. I held her for about an hour, and I loved it. Of course,  my emotions caught up to me later in the day when things had slowed down. I'm not sure if what I'm doing is good for me. So many people say that even years later they have a difficult time around infants. All I know is that I will get an urge to hold a baby and most of the time I can't. So if the chance arises I take it. I've always loved holding babies. In the back of my mind I know I will feel pretty awful afterwards -the pain of a broken heart, anguish, anger -  but it doesn't seem to matter. I figure that if I feel all those things afterwards, then it must need to come out. I only get anxious before hand, when I know that I will be visiting or when I become aware that there is a baby in the group. I actually feel very contented when I do hold a baby. 

I think to myself: this is what Kai will never get; I hope that he has somehow kept a memory of the times that I held him after he was still born, of how much I loved him in the hours I got to spend with him in the hospital, of how much I still love him and miss him; Kai would be happy that all of my love for him isn't turning into anguish or despair and that the I can share the love I feel for him with these other babies. 

I believe that Kai, like most children, would be glad to know that he is loved and missed. He would not want to be the cause of unending sorrow and anguish. I do not want him to think or feel that! It is really difficult to stay afloat some days, but I'll keep trying.