Mother's Day

The first blooms ever from Kai's dogwood tree that wee planted last fall.

Celebrated my second Mother's Day with only one of my two children. It hurts knowing that I've been pregnant twice, given birth twice and had two babies... but people we saw celebrating Mother's Day all would have assumed we were parents of an only child. They should make a t-shirt, pin, bumper sticker ... something that tells everyone " We have a child/children that died but he/she/they are still very present in our hearts each and every day!".
I did enjoy the day with the child I do have and my husband. I received the traditional breakfast in bed with flowers picked from our garden, a chocolate croissant from the french bakery at the end of our street, tea and an orange. Yum! For the time that I was eating, adoring the pictures my daughter drew for me and opening my present I was fine. Content. But then, when my hands, mouth and eyes weren't busy my mood slumped and I had that familiar overwhelming need to sleep. So, I slept for a couple more hours and then tried really hard to want to move. I did and the rest of the day was spent celebrating my role in my family of 4 ( that looks like a family of 3).

Friday May 7th Kai would have been 16 months old. When does one stop counting the time? Why do I do it? In my mind he will always be a baby. So why do I keep time like I did for my first child? For her it was to mark her growth, her time here since she was born, her developmental milestones. Kai doesn't have any of that. I guess it is just a way for me to keep track of his one milestone of being stillborn. A way for me to make him more concrete in my life... counting the amount of time since we first held him in our arms. Counting the amount of time that we have held him in our hearts because we cannot physically hold him ever again.

Time flickers forwards and back.

I was never told life would get progressively more difficult as time went on... but it does, and I go forward. The past is what creates my present. To ignore that past is to ignore the substance of me.
I am slowly learning to accept and embrace all the events in my life that I had previously tried to erase or forget. Erasing leaves a smudge that is evidence of the action. Forgetting never really works. Wishing for what was or what could have been just leads to more pain. NOW I understand what living in the present means. I hope!

THe candle from Kai's "butsudan" that we lit at his memorial service.

It's been 15 months. Wow. I'm often confused. Sometimes it feels like time has gone too quickly - separating us by more and more time. Other times it feels like hardly any time has passed - I cry and the pain feels as strong it did a year before. This last 15 months have been a time of opposing emotions/feelings; happiness that your memory is with me but sadness that you are not physically here; anger that you seem to have died for no reason and calmness because of everything I learned from dealing with the grief of losing you; hope because I believe your energy is here with us, helping us and despair because I just want to be with you now!

They were right. As time continues on that unbearable pain has moved to the background of my days. It still comes forward at time - heart wrenching as ever, but it doesn't last nearly as long as it did a year ago or 6 months ago.

I'm lucky that I do have friends that know I need to talk about him every once in a while. He's a part of our family so, just as I talk about my living child or my deceased parent, I also talk about my baby boy. "I loved having a midwife for my son's birth last year.", "Do you think Kai would have been artistic like his father and I?", "Hopefully Kai wouldn't have gotten my crazy frizzy hair!", "Yes, I have two children.", "Isn't this cute? Kai would be adorable in this!". I do not believe that I need to pretend that my pregnancy and time with him never existed.

A friend of mine who lost her infant son five years ago recently realized that she hadn't fully dealt with her emotions. I was very proud of her when she told me last week that she was able to move her infant's photo out of the walk in closet/dressing room and onto the top of her dresser where her other three boys (all younger) pictures are. Now she has all four of her sons together where she can see them everyday and smile.

Happy Birthday baby boy!

Today! Jan. 7, 2010 - Happy Birthday Kai sweetheart!

Happy Birthday Kai!

Today is your first birthday. You aren't here to share this day with us but we have chosen to remember you and celebrate the day others were able to meet you! Your sister and I made a Happy 1st Birthday sign, Your dad, sister and I wrote some letters to you and attached them to three balloons that we released by your tree outside. WE hung the sign, 3 plastic butterflies that we made and some ribbon on your tree also. This evening a bunch of our friends who have been very supportive came over for a small Birthday/remembrance get together. We had a Pakistani/Japanese dinner, your dad bought a chocolate birthday cake and we all lit candles and put them around your tree. We are so very lucky that we have friends to share you with!

I realized for the first time what an amazing thing your Uncle Arthur U. did last year when he came to the hospital with snacks for your dad and I while I was waiting for my contractions to get stronger. He didn't have to come - it was a very weird, uncomfortable position to be in - but he put his own fears aside and came to visit anyway! He stayed until almost 10 pm! I said 'Thank you' to him today and I started to cry. That was the first time all day!

It's now after midnight and last year I was still at the hospital. Alex was there to keep me company because your dad had to go home and stay with your sister. Alex held you, which was very brave of her. We talked until late. The nurse came in before I went to sleep and moved your basinette next to my bed. I really wanted to put you next to me and sleep with you in my arms but I was SO afraid that I might drop you while I was sleeping! I would have been horrified - more than horrified! - if I had woken up to find you on the floor! Maybe I should have asked the nurse if there was something we could do, but I couldn't really think properly at the time. I am very thankful, though, that I was able to stay with you for those extra 24 hours. Your dad and I would have been lost without Deborah our midwife!

I realize I haven't written your whole story yet. I think I might be ready to do that soon.

Good night sweet little boy. I will always love you and miss you. You will always be my son and I will always be proud of you.

One year

Old stone bridge in the Poconos Oct. 2009

Tomorrow is the day you were still born.

At this time last year I was waiting for a catheter to fall out so that my contractions would start. I had been put on a pitocin drip at 2 in the afternoon and not much had happened. At 10 in the morning I had found out for certain that Kai had no heartbeat. They never said the word "dead". They just looked sad and told me that he had no heartbeat.

How did one year go buy so quickly and slowly at the same time? I dreaded the Holidays. All I wanted was for time to stop. The coming of Christmas meant, to me, the coming of my son's death. The coming of the end. It was difficult to face the holidays, but I did it and it is now past. The anticipation of how wretched I would feel was much worse than how I actually felt. Yes. Christmas day I really cried hard a few times. I didn't join my family and friends for Christmas dinner. I knew that forcing myself to act fine was not something I could do and I did not want to try. Some people understood this and some did not ...and I was fine with that. Weird. I have spent all of my life trying to keep people happy and not cause waves! Usually I would be fretting about how I was disappointing someone, letting them down or making them angry. I am quite good at beating myself up for this. But not this time. What had changed? Why was I so calm about taking time out for myself? In the two weeks between Christmas and now I have thought a lot about the last year. I've taken a lot of emotional risks since Kai died. I had to if I wanted to survive his death and be in the present with my husband and daughter. I'd already been hospitalized three times in the past for suicide/depression ...I kind of knew that if I didn't take some huge steps in terms of asking for help from friends and family, I probably wouldn't ever recover. For me that was a huge risk. I had always believed that people would only like me if I was a happy person who was always there to help them. If I burdened my friends with my problems or the truth they would drop me - abandon me. The first few 'risks' were the most difficult. Calling a friend to talk at 1 am the day I got home. I was petrified that she would either ignore the phone or tell me she was too tired to talk to me. No one answered. I left a confusing message about Kai being dead and that I had to deliver him after I found out. In my head I thought "See! You have no one! No one wants to here your sob story! No one has time for you! Get it into your brain that you are not meant to be here! Your healthy son died! Isn't that enough proof that you are a loser and supposed to die?" I ended up taking a sleeping pill to calm down and fall asleep. I woke the next morning when my friend called me back and said that she would be at my house in an hour and a half. She lives an hour and a half away! She left her son with her husband and actually came to the city and looked after us for a day and a half! I was shocked that someone, anyone would drop everything to help me! Thank you from the depths of my heart, Karen! That was my first 'risk' and it didn't turn out at all the way I had always believed it would.

Too Sad.

Purple Cone Flowers from Lor's garden.

MY friend sent this poem to me after she read my facebook update. I couldn't pull it together yesterday to go to freelance job.
It isn't hers, but somehow she knew this poem.
It could be Kai and I.

It's sad to know so many women go through this.


Perfect Even In Death

No one remembers,
I cannot say why
Only thing I keep thinking
Is that nobody tried

You were mine, only mine
No one knew you like me
I don't know why He couldn't
Just let you be

We shared so much
In our short time together,
And the time that we shared
Has made memories forever

So much I learned,
So much I lost -
Everything turned, toppled
And tossed

Butterfly flutters, then turns
And kicks . . .
Then, that sad day . . .
Was my mind playing tricks?

No cry, no movement,
not even a Breath . . .
As you lay on my tummy -
Perfect even in death

When I think of you now
At the age you would be,
A beautiful "big boy"
Is the child I see

My son you were,
My son you'll always be
And One -
That is us;
You and Me"

by Lil' Red

Sleep

Kai, I hate this. I wish I could sleep through the next two weeks. I'm having a difficult time holding it together for work. Imiss you SO much.

Black days

Oh how I hate these black days. My days are usually a grayish colour but I'm never too far from black. I haven't had colour or brightness in my life for a long time. I keep striving for it but I never seem to be able to do better than a mid to light gray. I have a cousin who is bi-polar. Sometimes I wish I was bi-polar so that I would at least know what it was like to feel really great, like I can do anything. I know that being bi-polar is not at all easy. In fact, it sucks as much as being chronically, clinically depressed.

With both my pregnancies I prayed to the "powers that be" to let my child live if anything should have to go wrong with my pregnancy. I figure that I've lived this long without really feeling like I'm part of this world so it would be better for me to die and give my babies a chance at a life that is full. Yeah, I know things don't work this way... I know I have no control over these things ... how could I, my second child died inside me a few weeks before he was due and I couldn't do a thing to stop it. He wasn't sick. I wasn't sick. One day he was fine and kicking and the next day his lifeline detached from the placenta and he died. The doctors have no idea why this happened. Of course, I have my own dark, paranoid theories as to why this happened but I'm told that my thoughts are not logical or possible. Would these theories of mine be more logical if I was religious? In Sunday School I was taught that if you weren't a good person you would not be rewarded by Him. You might even be punished. Am I being punished ... because I'm still here?... because I wasn't supposed to be here past the age of thirty (I always believed I would never live to see thirty because the pain of depression was so unbearable)?

I know what I wrote won't make sense. Most of the time my life doesn't make sense to me. I've waded through my confusion for forty years and it gets more difficult with time and life experiences.

Baby boy, I wanted ... and still want you SO much. I'm sorry if anything I did or didn't do took away your life. Please know that I love you and miss you.