Merry Christmas Kai

Family holidays without a member of your family is SO difficult! Almost too difficult when it is a child... but we managed. I decided to participate in two infant loss holiday exchanges hoping that it would get me into the holiday mood as well as give me some time during this busy season to slow down and think of my son and hopefully add a little bit of a bittersweet smile to some other parents' holiday because their little babies are now known and thought of by one more person. 

In exchange for the two ornaments I sent, I received another hand decorated ornament and a gift package!

The ornament is decorated with Kai's name on the front and his stillbirth date on the back... all done in glitter. It's beautiful! Subtle colours. I love it and it looks great on our tree! 

The package contained items for Kai, me, my husband and daughter. Kai's name means "the sea" in Hawaiian and he was born during a snowstorm. These are things I associate with my son.  In the package were items that symbolized snow and sea!... many were wonderfully handmade! On Jan. 7th we are going to have a little birthday party for Kai.  I'm going to play the CD when we use the "FLying Wish Papers" on his day! The shell ring, feather, shell and stone that looks like ice are all in his Butsudan in the living room. His beautiful blue ornament will go there as well when we take down the tree.

This is the beautiful ornament that I received in the ornament exchange from the Remembering Together Holiday Swap.
Thank you SO much Tracey for the beautiful ornament! 

A very thoughtful gift from the Faces of Loss gift exchange.

Jackie included two very special rings for my daughter and a special calendar for my husband.

Jackie made this snowflake ornament with beads spelling out Kai's name. We hung it outside on his red flowering dogwood tree with the other ornaments we made.

I picked up these aluminum heart tags at the Movies and Makers Craft  Show that I participated in. I thought they would be perfect for decorating and putting on Kai's tree for the holidays. Martha (the craftsperson who made them) gave me an extra package when she found out what I was going to do with them so I was able to give some to members of the PBSO support group I go to!
Thank you Martha!

Ornament from mommy.

Ornament from Kai's big sister.

Ornament from Daddy.

Holiday Ornament and Gift Exchange

This year I decided to participate in two Holiday exchanges for mom's who have lost their infants. For one exchange we were to send an ornament and for the other a small gift. I decided I would create personalized ornaments for both exchanges. Focusing on creating these ornaments was my way of spending time with Kai.  If not for him I would not be involved in these wonderful little gestures of friendship, sympathy and understanding. I think of him and talk to him while I do these little projects.

Both ornaments were made out of cotton pulp and cast in the shape of a heart. I letterpress printed the infants' names and dates on pieces of my handmade paper and used it as part of the decoration of the heart. I think they turned out quite wonderfully. Now I must make one for Kai and his big sister!

The holidays are so difficult. Even our daughter is finding this Christmas difficult. Yesterday was her last day of school before the holidays. I guess she got sad thinking of  two holidays ago on the last day of school when she was looking forward to playing with her baby brother in the new year. The principal found her crying in the afternoon. Our daughter didn't mention anything to us. We didn't know until we received a telephone call from her principal asking if she was alright. She's almost ten now and I'm guessing that the reality of the death of her baby brother is starting to set in. She started crying again tonight because she missed Kai. I know how she feels. 

PBSO Walk to Remember and Dove Release

Families gathering under the canopies to hear a short speech given by the son of the Children's Garden creator and some poetry read by families in memory of their infants.

Oct. 2010

In the foreground is the Children's Garden that was created by a mother some 20 years after her infant son died. She had been told to forget about that child by doctors!!

The doves waiting quietly in their baskets.

Most families took turns saying their infants names and dates of birth/death out loud. Afterwards we were each given a carnation.

... and the doves are released.

The dove release totally delighted the children that were there!

After this there was hot tea, coffee, water, juice boxes and cookies. 

I was busy talking to other parents and I missed out on the chocolate cookies!!!

A wee snail on the big beach at low tide in Cape Cod. Oct., 2010

I haven't written anything for a while. Writing doesn't come naturally to me and sometimes I wonder if it's worth it. I still end up missing Kai. On vacation two weeks ago I missed him. He should have been with us, toddling on the beach with his arms out... maybe eating sand. His sister would have had someone to play with and share her discoveries with. This was our second fall vacation without him. Three fall vacations ago he was with us while I was pregnant. 

We were so hopeful at that time. It felt safe enough to buy him some baby clothes at Carter's and at Target in Buffalo on our way home. We had NO idea... Those clothes are still in a storage bin on top of the wardrobe in our room. Sometimes I look at the bin and think I should go through it and give his unworn clothes away. I think that, and then I do something else. Anything else. I'm afraid to open that the bin. I imagine it is like Pandora's box. Once I open it all the fears and pain will come out and consume me. Am I strong enough? Probably. Am I brave enough? No. Not yet.

I am so glad that there is more information in the news about infant death and how to help! For me... more awareness = improved knowledge, better treatment and care!

New programs for 'silent grief' of miscarriages, stillbirths

November 1, 2010 on parentcentral

ALISON AULd
http://www.parentcentral.ca/parent/babiespregnancy/pregnancy/article/883977--new-programs-for-silent-grief-of-miscarriages-stillbirths


...feel SO sad for her. Their hearts must be breaking. I think this is where being famous isn't helpful. I hope people give them time and privacy to go through the long mourning process. Sigh.

Lily Allen Loses Her Baby

Nick Sadler/Startraks

Lily Allen has again suffered the heartbreak of losing a child during pregnancy.

“It is with great sadness that we have to confirm that Lily Allen and Sam Cooper have lost their baby,” the British singer’s rep tells PEOPLE in a statement.

“The couple ask that their privacy be respected and that they be left alone at this deeply distressing time. No further comment will be made.”

Allen, 25, announced a few weeks ago that the baby, a boy, was due in January. This is her second such loss – coming almost three years after she suffered a miscarriage during her relationship with musician Ed Simons.

Allen and Cooper, an upmarket decorator, hadannounced their pregnancy in August. Allen had also Tweeted a pic of herself excitedly holding up a newspaper with the good news.

Allen has spoken of having children as “ultimately my main goal” in life.

– Simon Perry

Oct. 15th! Toronto, ON Canada

Please do what you can to support this cause. After our son Kai's death I learned that most people know very little about Perinatal death (unless you've gone through it) even though it can randomly happen to any pregnant woman. I also learned that most people, including doctors and other professionals are ignorant about the affects of this kind of loss on the mothers, fathers and siblings. We need this day to help us not be ashamed of remembering our wee lost children.

My daughter's friend releasing a butterfly for Kai at this year's PBSO Butterfly Release

Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Day ~ October 15th~ recognized in Ontario Canada

PERINATAL BEREAVEMENT SERVICES ONTARIO

Hello All,


I am putting a call out to all of you who are living in Ontario, Canada. On October 15th, Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Day, Perinatal Bereavement Services Ontario will be hosting a rally at the Ontario Legislation Building at Queens Park in Toronto.


We need your support to help us make the Ontario government see that that October 15th should be recognized all across Canada.


Come out and rally with us at Queens Park. We will then gather petition signatures.


You can view the online event at http://www.facebook.com/home.php?#!/e...


Come out and show your support on October 15th.

	Friday, October 15 · 10:00am - 11:30pm
Location	Legislature Assembly of Ontario Queens Park
More Info	Our Rally is being held on the grounds of the Legislature Assembly of Ontario at Queens Park. The rally will last approximately one hour and we will then leave Queens Park and gather petition signatures to have Oct 15th recognized as Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Day in Ontario.

Envy and anger - why?

Life seems so unfair so much of the time.
I had an OB appointment today. Just a visit so that they could tell me the  results of my blood test that was taken to see if I still had healthy eggs. We've been trying for 9 months to get pregnant. Not a long time, I know, but our daughter and our son were conceived on the first try. Also, now that I'm 43 I really feel that clock ticking. Kai was supposed to be our last. A girl and a boy. Two children who would hopefully help each other out and keep each other as family when we were no longer here. I do consider myself a mother of two, but as my daughter said, "I want a brother or sister that I can talk to and play with.". I understand.
This afternoon I just found out that a friend who is the same age as I am is having her 5th child. They thought they were finished, but life happens. I'm very happy for her but at the same time I'm sitting here crying, feeling like a loser who can't keep a child alive and who can't even get pregnant. Is something wrong with me? Is there a decree somewhere that says I'm only allowed to have one live child? If there is, I wish someone would tell me so that I don't go through all this trying to conceive, dissappointment and heartache over and over again. I feel like I shouldn't even try to think that I can get pregnant and have a healthy child again. Is it because I am in art? Have I poisoned myself with all the fumes from ink, dust from paper? Why?
WHY did my son DIE?
WHY can't I get pregnant as easily as I did the first two times?
WHY can't I get pregnant NOW?
Why do I feel like I am cursed?
Have I let my family down?

i know that these feelings are considered normal, that any emotions I'm feeling are there for me to go through and experience and that they will probably pass in a day or so... but it still sends a stabbing pain to my heart that makes me want to rip it out and stomp on it so that I don't feel it!!