One Month

In two minutes it will be one month since Kai was born...Jan. 7 @ 12:44 am

I had a wonderful dinner and a movie evening with friends and my family. Now I am home. I'm feeling lost again. As if this isn't where I am supposed to be. How can things feel so normal one moment and then feel so strange, sad and disjointed the next minute? How long will this last? Can I handle it for the six month grieving period that most mothers need to get back into life?

I cannot believe it. A whole month has gone by. In some ways it feels like it has been forever, it's all a distant memory. In other ways it feels as fresh as this morning, like it happened yesterday. It is very confusing.

I miss my little guy SO MUCH... I cannot believe that this happened... when will I wake up from this weird dream?... why can't I feel his absence more acutely?... i feel as if my heart keeps breaking over and over again...



12:49 am- at this time a month ago I had just given birth to my still born son and was hoping that some miracle would happen and I would hear him cry. He didn't cry. I went into deep despair. It stopped my uterus from contracting and closed my cervix so that the placenta could not be expelled. I remember not caring.

I sleep every night holding a pillow as if it were Kai. I'm co-sleeping with a pillow. It's not as soft as Kai's skin... it's not as warm as a real baby... Kai should be a month old and here in my arms, not just his picture... he'll never need his own bedroom... just a memory filled box... I'll never know his personality... his voice... his temperment... him...

How did this happen? When exactly did Kai die? ... Why, why why?... it's so surreal... my stomach is flat, how can my body have forgotten my pregnancy so quickly?... perhaps It wasn't real...just a bad dream... a movie in the recesses of my memory that I saw when I was young... is my memory of my baby going to fade?... everything fades... sometimes I cannot stand the hurt... sometimes I hate myself because my life feels like it has skipped over the last ten months... as if I were never pregnant... I hate life because my baby is not part of it... my first born is here in the living, with me... she helps me to keep trying... she doesn't deserve this sorrow... my poor babies... this is SO very difficult.