Wednesday, February 16, 2011

It used to be easier.

I'll be forty-four next week. It's freaking me out. I'm not freaked out by getting older in general, but for the last two years I have been acutely aware of how old I am and how much time I may or may not have left to conceive another child.
Conceiving our daughter and then our son was easier than easy. One time was all it took. Now, after Kai's still birth conceiving a child has become almost impossible.
I waited a year after Kai's stillbirth before trying to have another child even though my heart and head were screaming to me that I needed another child. I realized that I was only thinking of a male baby... and that scared me. So, I waited and worked on grieving and dealing with my fears and ideas that the fates are against me.
Now we've been trying for over a year. I miscarried last June. In January I started taking Clomid, progesterone, and using an ovulation tester. This month my period was late. It's been a week. I tried to not get excited and I tried to deal with it all in my head but yesterday I told a friend about what was going on and how my brain is thinking of too many things both good and bad. I thought  - uh-oh. as soon as you tell someone you know it's going to be bad news - but that is my old negative way of thinking! I'm stronger now and don't believe all those stories I've told myself for years. Right! So I went to bed feeling okay. I woke up this morning to find my period had started... and now I'm trying not to say "I told you so!" to myself.
It seems that many women, after having a perinatal death have several miscarriages before finally keeping a pregnancy. It worries me because I don't have the luxury of time. I'm not young. No one stupidly said to me after Kai's death, "Don't worry. You can have another." - That's because I was 41 when my perfectly healthy son's heart stopped beating. I keep trying to be positive and keep in mind all the women I know who had children between 45 and 50... but it's only partially working. The roller coaster of trying to conceive is bad enough without adding the emotions of infant loss to it and then the age factor.
Sometimes I think I should give up on having another child (my little mean voices in my head agree because they say I had my chance and look how it ended up) but I know that if I do I will regret it. But how does one stay strong enough and calm enough to deal with all this uncertainty?

Thursday, February 3, 2011


Cape Cod Oct. 2010.
I often wish I was like a piece of machinery that could be turned off. I wan to turn off! I've tried so many times to figure out where that stupid on/off device is hidden on me! I just want to know and feel nothing for a little while.
My body is so tired that I need a break from breathing. Sleep isn't good enough. I still breath and see and feel while I'm asleep!
I want a state of nothingness... where I'm totally unaware of my existence and everything that has to do with me. The closest thing I have found to this state of nothingness is death... but I don't really want to die -  I just want to shut down for a while and then turn on again.
Death is too permanent ...I know that too well. But what other alternatives do we have out there? In my twenty something years of searching I haven't found anything close to an off button or shut down program for myself. Drugs and alcohol blur your state but you still breath, think, and feel... and as time goes on it makes everything so much worse.
I don't want worse. I want better. If only I could take a break from being aware of myself so that I could re-charge and rest.