My answers

Yes. I know that at age 44 the chances of me having a totally healthy baby is not great. I know that my chances of getting pregnant at my age are not good.

No. I don't think that I would be putting my child at risk because of my age. There is always a risk no mtter what the age.

Yes, I realize the chances of my child having Down's Syndrome are much higher at me age.

Yes. I know I have a wonderful, healthy daughter and yes, I do love her with all my heart. Just because I want another child doesn't mean I would love her less. Do people who have a second, third or fourth child love their first born less?

Yes. I know that some people don't even have one child. Does that mean no-one should have a child or want a child?

Yes, I'm being selfish for wanting another child. There are pretty much ONLY selfish reasons for wanting a child. But that is not necessarily a bad thing. WHo says to themselves, "I don't want to give birth to a child but I'll do it anyway to populate my country or because it's my duty!"?

If Kai had lived would you still be saying these stupid things to me about trying to have another child?

Yes, I will be an older parent and the odds of me dying of old age are greater... but I unfortunately know young parents who have died of illness or accident and left young children behind as well. I've learned the hard way that for death age doesn't matter!

Why are people so quick to point out all the bad things about me having another baby? Do they really think it helps? Do they think that all these things haven't already gone through my mind hundreds of times? My healthy baby died for no known reason! Of course I go through everything that might happen... I weigh the pros and cons... but in the end it comes down to, - in ten years, if I didn't try to have another child because of whatever reason (fear of what may happen), would I greatly regret my decision? Yes, I would and my husband agrees as well.

So, please don't ask me questions as if I am naive about having a baby. I am not.  Once you have had an infant loss there is no way that you can be naive about pregnancy and childbirth! I actually wish that I could know a little less about all the things that can and do go wrong!

What I need from my friends is support and encouragement. I've already got all the negative stuff in my head! I need my friends to help me keep a balance.

Being strong

I found this in Pinterest. How true. I never thought I could be strong enough to go  through a natural birth knowing that my son was already dead just two weeks before he was due. I also didn't think I would be able to deal with living without him. But I'm still here. trying one day at a time.

Sailing

This is so beautiful. Hugs, tender human contact is so lacking in this world. 

I grew up without hugs and I always wondered if I was loved. I hug my daughter every day at least once. I miss being able to hug my son. Hugging Kai's photo just didn't work for me. Recently we bought a Dick Bruna stuffed toy. It's his little sailor character from one of his stories. The sailor is about the same size as Kai was when he was born. The plush sailor was really difficult to find. 

I think they discontinued making the plush little children characters a while ago. I first saw them 12 years ago when we lived in Japan. At that time I jokingly asked my husband to buy one because then we would have our own little care free baby! 

When Kai was stillborn I thought of the little plush Dick Bruna kids from Japan. We looked all over for such a long time and then we found one at an asian toy collector's store in an asian mall in Toronto. They only had the sailor which was amazing since Kai's name means "the sea" in Hawaiian! He was almost $100.00! but I'm so glad we bought him. I hug my little Dick Bruna sailor and hope that he sets sail on the ocean of a universe and delivers my hugs to Kai.

I miss you SO much sweetpea!!

Dark, Dark, Dark.

I keep trying to get ahead of, and run away from the Darkness that always seems to be stalking me. I've been doing this most of my life. I can never seem to hide from it;  outrun it; it won't go away; It won't give up or die. The Darkness is always just a few steps away, waiting for weakness so it can mess with my head ... and then I believe everything it tells me...

It used to be easier.

I'll be forty-four next week. It's freaking me out. I'm not freaked out by getting older in general, but for the last two years I have been acutely aware of how old I am and how much time I may or may not have left to conceive another child.
Conceiving our daughter and then our son was easier than easy. One time was all it took. Now, after Kai's still birth conceiving a child has become almost impossible.
I waited a year after Kai's stillbirth before trying to have another child even though my heart and head were screaming to me that I needed another child. I realized that I was only thinking of a male baby... and that scared me. So, I waited and worked on grieving and dealing with my fears and ideas that the fates are against me.
Now we've been trying for over a year. I miscarried last June. In January I started taking Clomid, progesterone, and using an ovulation tester. This month my period was late. It's been a week. I tried to not get excited and I tried to deal with it all in my head but yesterday I told a friend about what was going on and how my brain is thinking of too many things both good and bad. I thought  - uh-oh. as soon as you tell someone you know it's going to be bad news - but that is my old negative way of thinking! I'm stronger now and don't believe all those stories I've told myself for years. Right! So I went to bed feeling okay. I woke up this morning to find my period had started... and now I'm trying not to say "I told you so!" to myself.
It seems that many women, after having a perinatal death have several miscarriages before finally keeping a pregnancy. It worries me because I don't have the luxury of time. I'm not young. No one stupidly said to me after Kai's death, "Don't worry. You can have another." - That's because I was 41 when my perfectly healthy son's heart stopped beating. I keep trying to be positive and keep in mind all the women I know who had children between 45 and 50... but it's only partially working. The roller coaster of trying to conceive is bad enough without adding the emotions of infant loss to it and then the age factor.
Sometimes I think I should give up on having another child (my little mean voices in my head agree because they say I had my chance and look how it ended up) but I know that if I do I will regret it. But how does one stay strong enough and calm enough to deal with all this uncertainty?

Merry Christmas Kai

Family holidays without a member of your family is SO difficult! Almost too difficult when it is a child... but we managed. I decided to participate in two infant loss holiday exchanges hoping that it would get me into the holiday mood as well as give me some time during this busy season to slow down and think of my son and hopefully add a little bit of a bittersweet smile to some other parents' holiday because their little babies are now known and thought of by one more person. 

In exchange for the two ornaments I sent, I received another hand decorated ornament and a gift package!

The ornament is decorated with Kai's name on the front and his stillbirth date on the back... all done in glitter. It's beautiful! Subtle colours. I love it and it looks great on our tree! 

The package contained items for Kai, me, my husband and daughter. Kai's name means "the sea" in Hawaiian and he was born during a snowstorm. These are things I associate with my son.  In the package were items that symbolized snow and sea!... many were wonderfully handmade! On Jan. 7th we are going to have a little birthday party for Kai.  I'm going to play the CD when we use the "FLying Wish Papers" on his day! The shell ring, feather, shell and stone that looks like ice are all in his Butsudan in the living room. His beautiful blue ornament will go there as well when we take down the tree.

This is the beautiful ornament that I received in the ornament exchange from the Remembering Together Holiday Swap.
Thank you SO much Tracey for the beautiful ornament! 

A very thoughtful gift from the Faces of Loss gift exchange.

Jackie included two very special rings for my daughter and a special calendar for my husband.

Jackie made this snowflake ornament with beads spelling out Kai's name. We hung it outside on his red flowering dogwood tree with the other ornaments we made.

I picked up these aluminum heart tags at the Movies and Makers Craft  Show that I participated in. I thought they would be perfect for decorating and putting on Kai's tree for the holidays. Martha (the craftsperson who made them) gave me an extra package when she found out what I was going to do with them so I was able to give some to members of the PBSO support group I go to!
Thank you Martha!

Ornament from mommy.

Ornament from Kai's big sister.

Ornament from Daddy.

Envy and anger - why?

Life seems so unfair so much of the time.
I had an OB appointment today. Just a visit so that they could tell me the  results of my blood test that was taken to see if I still had healthy eggs. We've been trying for 9 months to get pregnant. Not a long time, I know, but our daughter and our son were conceived on the first try. Also, now that I'm 43 I really feel that clock ticking. Kai was supposed to be our last. A girl and a boy. Two children who would hopefully help each other out and keep each other as family when we were no longer here. I do consider myself a mother of two, but as my daughter said, "I want a brother or sister that I can talk to and play with.". I understand.
This afternoon I just found out that a friend who is the same age as I am is having her 5th child. They thought they were finished, but life happens. I'm very happy for her but at the same time I'm sitting here crying, feeling like a loser who can't keep a child alive and who can't even get pregnant. Is something wrong with me? Is there a decree somewhere that says I'm only allowed to have one live child? If there is, I wish someone would tell me so that I don't go through all this trying to conceive, dissappointment and heartache over and over again. I feel like I shouldn't even try to think that I can get pregnant and have a healthy child again. Is it because I am in art? Have I poisoned myself with all the fumes from ink, dust from paper? Why?
WHY did my son DIE?
WHY can't I get pregnant as easily as I did the first two times?
WHY can't I get pregnant NOW?
Why do I feel like I am cursed?
Have I let my family down?

i know that these feelings are considered normal, that any emotions I'm feeling are there for me to go through and experience and that they will probably pass in a day or so... but it still sends a stabbing pain to my heart that makes me want to rip it out and stomp on it so that I don't feel it!!

Incomplete?

I wonder if this feeling will be with me forever? Feeling like something is not quite right. Like I am missing something or need something to be added. A feeling of not being complete
therefore nothing quite makes sense.

It's different than the feeling of dis-jointedness I get when I am depressed. Like my consciousness is two seconds behind what I am doing, seeing, hearing, feeling.  That is not the feeling I have.

It's as if there is a space somewhere inside me that needs that one perfect something and then my world will feel whole. Sometimes that space feels like it's in the pit of my stomach. Sometimes it's in my heart, and sometimes it's in my head... wherever it is, I don't think that there is any way I can  make it complete.

Beautiful clouds above our neighbourhood on Sept. 10/10

This is a note I wrote in a discussion page for group called Stories of Babies Born Still (S.O.B.B.).


We lost Kai about a month before you lost Seth! Kai was stillborn on Jan. 7th, 2009 at 38 weeks. My sister has never spoken or aknowledged that Kai existed. Even during our stay with her for a week on vacation. My husband, daughter and I talk about Kai several times a week. The only people from our families that were helpful after the funeral were my sister-in-law who would come and help me look after my daughter on the nights my husband worked late, and my brother who would babysit my daughter on the nights we went to a perinatal loss support group. They were great... but now no-one talks about him and in many ways they act like Kai never existed. 

Yeah. I don't really care what others think. I know in my heart that he is a part of my life and always will be, just like my living daughter! The pain and heartbreak I feel when I think of him is just a reminder that I love him and miss him. There aren't many parents who wouldn't wish for all their children to be safe and with them, especially when their children are young . Why should it be any different just because our child died? 

I am very lucky. My husband understands my need to remember Kai and understands that it's better for us to keep Kai in our lives. Our daughter keeps a photo of her brother beside her bed and talks about him with her friends (ie. You are SO lucky you have a brother/sister. I wish my brother were here!) We were all looking forward to sharing a future with him. This isn't the future I pictured, but I still want to share it with my son. I recently miscarried at 9 weeks. When we told my daughter she wanted to know if it was a boy or a girl and what we should name the baby! I told her it was too early to know the gender so she suggested a name that could be a boys or girl's. Her choice..."Bean". So now, in her mind she has two siblings!

We have a Butsudan (a Bhuddist shrine for family and ancestors) in the living room with his photos, ashes, little poems, gifts, etc. I make a point to put fresh flowers or pretty weeds there. My daughter makes cards and notes for him and put them there. I figure, everyone in a family gets a space like a bedroom for themselves and their things... well, Kai doesn't need a whole room. He didn't live long enough to have many things so he only needs a small area in our living room. 

Some people are uncomfortable about the things we do to keep our sons memory alive. We don't do anything dangerous or crazy! Balloons, a tree, candle lightings, birthday gathering, photos, talking, making things, very normal! 

Whatever other people think or feel, I love my children with all my heart and soul! If one of them is not here I will miss them with all of my heart and soul until I see them again. I don't think that is a bad thing.

Yes, please keep your child's memory alive! It can and will be at times, painful and heartbreaking to be a parent of a living child! Having one baby die brings those two emotions into your life much earlier. Either way, you are a parent!

Much love and hugs,
A.

Summertime

At my mother-in-laws birthday a few weeks ago I was still dealing with the after effects of my miscarriage. Not so fun since I was at the cottage and there were a whole bunch of people all crammed into one cottage with one bathroom! I managed to lose myself by puttering along the shore of the lake gathering tiny shells. During the birthday celebration my mother-in law exclaimed how lucky she was to have all her children and all her grandchildren there for her birthday. Yes, she was very lucky and I know that she did not mean anything by it - but all I could think was, "...but one of your grandchildren isn't here! My baby isn't here! He should be here." I went someplace away from everyone to cry for a bit. I'm glad I have learned to let allow myself time to cry. It didn't last long and I was able to get back to the celebration and feel pretty much okay.

There is a closet door at the cottage where all the grandchildren's heights are recorded every year when they are there. I've asked my husband if he thinks it would be alright to add Kai's height to the door and so the next time I'm up at the cottage I will take the black 'sharpie' and add our son's name, birth/death date and length of 17 inches to the door!

 Puttering around at my in-laws cottage.

Last weekend we attended the Haliburton Scout Reserve Alumni Weekend and camped at the water's edge like we did last year. It felt very strange doing the same things as we had done a year ago. A year. Last year I was at this same spot thinking  and crying about our son who had died less than a year ago. We were using the same tent that we had gotten in anticipation of having a second child that we would be camping with. There was lots of extra space inside. I put my photos of Kai in a spot beside my sleeping bag. The Saturday was the 7th of the month marking Kai's 19th month. My husband picked flowers to keep with us at our campsite. They are in the foreground of the photo below. Nothing fancy -they're sitting in a Tim Horton's cup - but it was nice having something to look at that we brought just for Kai, to symbolize his special day and our memory.

 Camping in Haliburton and making jewelry from nature!

Last year the little guy below was nine months at the Alumni Weekend. He was the first baby boy I had held since Kai. He's now almost two years old! I loved playing with him and watching him play and discover! He's such a happy, good natured child! As much as I loved playing and watching A, I did have a couple of times where my heart dropped to my stomach and I thought of Kai who would be a month younger than this cutie. What would my son be like? Would he be as happy? would the two of them "play" together? How big would Kai be? What would he look like?... Is this what it would be like playing with Kai? The thoughts hurt my chest. I cried and let the tears soak into my husband's shoulder for a couple of minutes and then they were gone. The heartache lifted and I was once again able to enjoy watching A play.

What a cutie! A. is just a month older than Kai.

Back to almost where I was

Kai's Dogwood tree, spring 2010.

This is the Dogwood tree that we planted last October for our son. It only had a couple of buds on it last fall when we planted it, but this spring it was full of blossoms! My mother planted the miniature white roses that we had at Kai's funeral. She put them in the front of the house. Apparently they are no longer miniature roses! They are two regular size white rose bushes filled with white roses! I love that these two plants have thrived and grown beyond expectation. It makes me smile to think that maybe Kai is helping us take care of his two memorial plants. I like to think that it means he is happy wherever he is and that he knows how much we love and miss him...

I'm trying to think of happy/beautiful things, but I'm pretty numb. I was 7 weeks pregnant but I've been bleeding heavily since this morning. I'm guessing that I have miscarried. I've never miscarried before so we're not too sure what to expect. I have an appointment Monday afternoon with my doctor that I had made to get a prescription for pre-natal vitamins... but I'll use it for figuring out the whole miscarriage thing.

About an hour ago I was quietly freaking out because my family is asleep and I didn't want to wake them... now I can't really even think or feel much (except for the cramps). I shouldn't be surprised that I'm miscarrying, should I? Most women I've met or have read about had at least one miscarriage after the death of their infant AND the chance of miscarriage rises with maternal age. I'm now 43 and that puts me right up there. I really do feel the clock ticking...

We have been lucky in the past conceiving both of our children on the first try and having no problems during my pregnancies. Unfortunately our second child died a few weeks before his due date, as most people know, and now everything seems to be a bit more difficult.

I purposely postponed getting pregnant after Kai's death because I wanted to be fairly certain that I would be able to handle the emotional stress that was sure to come with another pregnancy. I didn't want to have to add to my medication for depression again. So, for 6 months we have been trying to get pregnant. I got pregnant in May and now I am not pregnant anymore. I know I want to try again but I really am starting to fear that we will only ever have one living child... and she will be so very lonely when we are gone. I know you're not supposed to feel like a failure...but, well...

Sunny Isles Beach, 2010.

Mother's Day

The first blooms ever from Kai's dogwood tree that wee planted last fall.

Celebrated my second Mother's Day with only one of my two children. It hurts knowing that I've been pregnant twice, given birth twice and had two babies... but people we saw celebrating Mother's Day all would have assumed we were parents of an only child. They should make a t-shirt, pin, bumper sticker ... something that tells everyone " We have a child/children that died but he/she/they are still very present in our hearts each and every day!".
I did enjoy the day with the child I do have and my husband. I received the traditional breakfast in bed with flowers picked from our garden, a chocolate croissant from the french bakery at the end of our street, tea and an orange. Yum! For the time that I was eating, adoring the pictures my daughter drew for me and opening my present I was fine. Content. But then, when my hands, mouth and eyes weren't busy my mood slumped and I had that familiar overwhelming need to sleep. So, I slept for a couple more hours and then tried really hard to want to move. I did and the rest of the day was spent celebrating my role in my family of 4 ( that looks like a family of 3).

Friday May 7th Kai would have been 16 months old. When does one stop counting the time? Why do I do it? In my mind he will always be a baby. So why do I keep time like I did for my first child? For her it was to mark her growth, her time here since she was born, her developmental milestones. Kai doesn't have any of that. I guess it is just a way for me to keep track of his one milestone of being stillborn. A way for me to make him more concrete in my life... counting the amount of time since we first held him in our arms. Counting the amount of time that we have held him in our hearts because we cannot physically hold him ever again.

Time flickers forwards and back.

I was never told life would get progressively more difficult as time went on... but it does, and I go forward. The past is what creates my present. To ignore that past is to ignore the substance of me.
I am slowly learning to accept and embrace all the events in my life that I had previously tried to erase or forget. Erasing leaves a smudge that is evidence of the action. Forgetting never really works. Wishing for what was or what could have been just leads to more pain. NOW I understand what living in the present means. I hope!

THe candle from Kai's "butsudan" that we lit at his memorial service.

It's been 15 months. Wow. I'm often confused. Sometimes it feels like time has gone too quickly - separating us by more and more time. Other times it feels like hardly any time has passed - I cry and the pain feels as strong it did a year before. This last 15 months have been a time of opposing emotions/feelings; happiness that your memory is with me but sadness that you are not physically here; anger that you seem to have died for no reason and calmness because of everything I learned from dealing with the grief of losing you; hope because I believe your energy is here with us, helping us and despair because I just want to be with you now!

They were right. As time continues on that unbearable pain has moved to the background of my days. It still comes forward at time - heart wrenching as ever, but it doesn't last nearly as long as it did a year ago or 6 months ago.

I'm lucky that I do have friends that know I need to talk about him every once in a while. He's a part of our family so, just as I talk about my living child or my deceased parent, I also talk about my baby boy. "I loved having a midwife for my son's birth last year.", "Do you think Kai would have been artistic like his father and I?", "Hopefully Kai wouldn't have gotten my crazy frizzy hair!", "Yes, I have two children.", "Isn't this cute? Kai would be adorable in this!". I do not believe that I need to pretend that my pregnancy and time with him never existed.

A friend of mine who lost her infant son five years ago recently realized that she hadn't fully dealt with her emotions. I was very proud of her when she told me last week that she was able to move her infant's photo out of the walk in closet/dressing room and onto the top of her dresser where her other three boys (all younger) pictures are. Now she has all four of her sons together where she can see them everyday and smile.