Wednesday, October 5, 2011

Why is it like this?

It's SO difficult sometimes!

I go out. I do things. I see people. I still feel bad. I see new mommies everywhere. I see new babies everywhere. I see older new mommies everywhere. I feel like I am being stabbed in the stomach. I feel like I'm being punished for something but I don't know what. I know that I can get through it. But sometimes, like today, I wonder if it I am supposed to. My psych says that I'm thinking this way because I'm getting depressed... uh-huh... I know. I tell myself... I'm amazing... I have two beautiful children (unfortunately the youngest one died before he had a chance to be born!)... I have a caring loving husband... I have a healthy, smart, beautiful daughter... I'm talented... I'm strong... I'm smart.......... and I feel like I'm trying to brainwash myself. Why can't I just be happy with what I have? What is wrong with me?!?!


  1. I know that feeling well. I think of all of the people in the world who are struggling everyday to get food and clean water and a safe place to live. I have all of that, but I'm still sad most of the time. Think thinking has bothered me a lot in the past. But then Ted said that if those people were in my shoes, they would be just as sad as I am. That if they were in my shoes, they wouldn't be depriving themselves of things because they feel guilty that they have so much and others don't. So most of the time I can put it in perspective. I send money to places that need it, I volunteer sometimes, etc.

    I can be feeling ok, never great, but ok. Then I see a pregnant woman or a baby and it gets wiped out and I'm down for hours or days.

  2. Thanks Dana. This week has really been bad for me. I guess at 45 I really am to old to conceive naturally. Each month is a horrible roller coaster of emotions. A loss and long term chronic depression added to that makes "floating" in that ocean of emotions really challenging. I guess that's why I see a psych.
    How is it that we are all still here? Still going forward? How do people do it?

  3. I wish I knew. I look at people walking by me and wonder if they feel as normal as they look. I look normal, but I am anything but normal.

    Sometimes I'm amazed that I'm still alive. I couldn't even imagine living from one day to the next after Jacob died, and now it has been 16 months.

  4. "So, this is my life. And I want you to know that I am both happy and sad and I'm still trying to figure out how that could be." —

    Sometimes it's so f***ing difficult to cope with isn't it?

    Thinking of you.