Tuesday, August 21, 2012

Balloons - Aug. 19th.

Kai's balloons with the names of some of our friends"Angel" babies written
on a piece of washi paper and tied to the cotton string.

My friend and fellow IL mom letting our boys' balloons fly.
We decided to let them go from the "crow's nest" of the pirate ship play structure!

Going, going...

...almost gone. We watched them until we couldn't see them anymore.

The names of some of Kai and Oscar's playmates in the sky.

Thursday, August 16, 2012


at the Beach in Ofir, Portugal. I was visiting my best friend in Portugal.  We went to the Atlantic ocean where it was terribly windy.

These days all my energy goes towards trying to accept.
Accept that I lost my son. Accept that no one will ever know why. Accept that know matter what I want to think, it was in no way my fault. Accept that I will not have a Rainbow child. Accept that adoption is unlikely because of our finances, me mental history, our ages. Accept that every time a friend announces she is pregnant  or has a baby I will experiences massively conflicting emotions of joy, grief and jealousy. Accept that there is nothing I can do to change the void that is left in my heart when it grew bigger to with love for my second child that died before he was born. Accept that now part of my heart hangs like a deflated balloon in my chest as a constant reminder of what was to be...but isn't.

An event I've organised for Aug. 19th.  this year. It's a balloon
release and a pot luck picnic dinner at our local beach.