Merry Christmas Kai

Family holidays without a member of your family is SO difficult! Almost too difficult when it is a child... but we managed. I decided to participate in two infant loss holiday exchanges hoping that it would get me into the holiday mood as well as give me some time during this busy season to slow down and think of my son and hopefully add a little bit of a bittersweet smile to some other parents' holiday because their little babies are now known and thought of by one more person. 

In exchange for the two ornaments I sent, I received another hand decorated ornament and a gift package!

The ornament is decorated with Kai's name on the front and his stillbirth date on the back... all done in glitter. It's beautiful! Subtle colours. I love it and it looks great on our tree! 

The package contained items for Kai, me, my husband and daughter. Kai's name means "the sea" in Hawaiian and he was born during a snowstorm. These are things I associate with my son.  In the package were items that symbolized snow and sea!... many were wonderfully handmade! On Jan. 7th we are going to have a little birthday party for Kai.  I'm going to play the CD when we use the "FLying Wish Papers" on his day! The shell ring, feather, shell and stone that looks like ice are all in his Butsudan in the living room. His beautiful blue ornament will go there as well when we take down the tree.

This is the beautiful ornament that I received in the ornament exchange from the Remembering Together Holiday Swap.
Thank you SO much Tracey for the beautiful ornament! 

A very thoughtful gift from the Faces of Loss gift exchange.

Jackie included two very special rings for my daughter and a special calendar for my husband.

Jackie made this snowflake ornament with beads spelling out Kai's name. We hung it outside on his red flowering dogwood tree with the other ornaments we made.

I picked up these aluminum heart tags at the Movies and Makers Craft  Show that I participated in. I thought they would be perfect for decorating and putting on Kai's tree for the holidays. Martha (the craftsperson who made them) gave me an extra package when she found out what I was going to do with them so I was able to give some to members of the PBSO support group I go to!
Thank you Martha!

Ornament from mommy.

Ornament from Kai's big sister.

Ornament from Daddy.

PBSO Walk to Remember and Dove Release

Families gathering under the canopies to hear a short speech given by the son of the Children's Garden creator and some poetry read by families in memory of their infants.

Oct. 2010

In the foreground is the Children's Garden that was created by a mother some 20 years after her infant son died. She had been told to forget about that child by doctors!!

The doves waiting quietly in their baskets.

Most families took turns saying their infants names and dates of birth/death out loud. Afterwards we were each given a carnation.

... and the doves are released.

The dove release totally delighted the children that were there!

After this there was hot tea, coffee, water, juice boxes and cookies. 

I was busy talking to other parents and I missed out on the chocolate cookies!!!

Oct. 15th! Toronto, ON Canada

Please do what you can to support this cause. After our son Kai's death I learned that most people know very little about Perinatal death (unless you've gone through it) even though it can randomly happen to any pregnant woman. I also learned that most people, including doctors and other professionals are ignorant about the affects of this kind of loss on the mothers, fathers and siblings. We need this day to help us not be ashamed of remembering our wee lost children.

My daughter's friend releasing a butterfly for Kai at this year's PBSO Butterfly Release

Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Day ~ October 15th~ recognized in Ontario Canada

PERINATAL BEREAVEMENT SERVICES ONTARIO

Hello All,


I am putting a call out to all of you who are living in Ontario, Canada. On October 15th, Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Day, Perinatal Bereavement Services Ontario will be hosting a rally at the Ontario Legislation Building at Queens Park in Toronto.


We need your support to help us make the Ontario government see that that October 15th should be recognized all across Canada.


Come out and rally with us at Queens Park. We will then gather petition signatures.


You can view the online event at http://www.facebook.com/home.php?#!/e...


Come out and show your support on October 15th.

	Friday, October 15 · 10:00am - 11:30pm
Location	Legislature Assembly of Ontario Queens Park
More Info	Our Rally is being held on the grounds of the Legislature Assembly of Ontario at Queens Park. The rally will last approximately one hour and we will then leave Queens Park and gather petition signatures to have Oct 15th recognized as Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Day in Ontario.

Beautiful clouds above our neighbourhood on Sept. 10/10

This is a note I wrote in a discussion page for group called Stories of Babies Born Still (S.O.B.B.).


We lost Kai about a month before you lost Seth! Kai was stillborn on Jan. 7th, 2009 at 38 weeks. My sister has never spoken or aknowledged that Kai existed. Even during our stay with her for a week on vacation. My husband, daughter and I talk about Kai several times a week. The only people from our families that were helpful after the funeral were my sister-in-law who would come and help me look after my daughter on the nights my husband worked late, and my brother who would babysit my daughter on the nights we went to a perinatal loss support group. They were great... but now no-one talks about him and in many ways they act like Kai never existed. 

Yeah. I don't really care what others think. I know in my heart that he is a part of my life and always will be, just like my living daughter! The pain and heartbreak I feel when I think of him is just a reminder that I love him and miss him. There aren't many parents who wouldn't wish for all their children to be safe and with them, especially when their children are young . Why should it be any different just because our child died? 

I am very lucky. My husband understands my need to remember Kai and understands that it's better for us to keep Kai in our lives. Our daughter keeps a photo of her brother beside her bed and talks about him with her friends (ie. You are SO lucky you have a brother/sister. I wish my brother were here!) We were all looking forward to sharing a future with him. This isn't the future I pictured, but I still want to share it with my son. I recently miscarried at 9 weeks. When we told my daughter she wanted to know if it was a boy or a girl and what we should name the baby! I told her it was too early to know the gender so she suggested a name that could be a boys or girl's. Her choice..."Bean". So now, in her mind she has two siblings!

We have a Butsudan (a Bhuddist shrine for family and ancestors) in the living room with his photos, ashes, little poems, gifts, etc. I make a point to put fresh flowers or pretty weeds there. My daughter makes cards and notes for him and put them there. I figure, everyone in a family gets a space like a bedroom for themselves and their things... well, Kai doesn't need a whole room. He didn't live long enough to have many things so he only needs a small area in our living room. 

Some people are uncomfortable about the things we do to keep our sons memory alive. We don't do anything dangerous or crazy! Balloons, a tree, candle lightings, birthday gathering, photos, talking, making things, very normal! 

Whatever other people think or feel, I love my children with all my heart and soul! If one of them is not here I will miss them with all of my heart and soul until I see them again. I don't think that is a bad thing.

Yes, please keep your child's memory alive! It can and will be at times, painful and heartbreaking to be a parent of a living child! Having one baby die brings those two emotions into your life much earlier. Either way, you are a parent!

Much love and hugs,
A.

Our first Walk to Remember

Waiting for the doves to be released.

... and off they flew. 

Oct. 4th we attended the PBSO Walk to Remember at Mt. Pleasant Cemetery... waited in the cemetery; walked in the rain; heard too many names of infants who are missed; watched about 30 doves soar into the sky while a little girl asked "Where are they going?" and then, "Why are they going away?"; met others that have found a way to keep on going; met three beautiful rainbows; cuddled friends' baby boy (thank you!); ate a comforting dinner with my family... all the while thinking of our son.

Why did you go away?

PBSO Walk to Remember

Rainbows in Pennsylvania

For those of you in Toronto, PBSO is having their annual Walk to Remember on Sunday Oct. 4th at 2:00 pm. Here is some of the information I was sent:

 

The "walk" takes about 15 - 20 minutes and will happen "rain or shine".

 Meet inside the East gates of Mt. Pleasant Cemetery and walk to The Children's Garden. 

 

When we reach the Children's Garden, there is a short non-demoninational service, which includes some poems read by parents. If you have a favourite poem or one you have written for your baby, please bring it along. Please let us know that you have it with you. You may read it yourself, or ask someone to read it on your behalf if you don't feel it's something you can do yourself.

 

Parents then have the opportunity to come up to the microphone and give the names of their babies that they are there to remember. After which we have the Dove Release. Followed by refreshments.

 

The whole thing takes about 45 minutes to 1 hour.

September!

Kai's butterfly from the PBSO Butterfly Release in July

I can't believe it's September already!  How can time pass so quickly and so slowly all at once? Trying to make sense of it makes my brain hurt. 

I received the results of my blood tests that were taken after Kai died and again in the summer. Still no clues as to what happened to him. I'm still experiencing the vertigo that I had when I was pregnant. And I'm still having the muscle spasms, though they aren't as strong as when I was pregnant. Do I really want to know why he died? Would it help? Yes and no. Contradiction. That seems to be my life since Kai died. 

I've started getting back into my studio. It's a mess. I left on December 23rd thinking I'd be back to tidy up in the new year before my due date. Didn't happen. Here I am, 8 months later, just getting back to my work. 8 months... almost enough time to have a baby...! See! That is how my mind seems to be working! Everything refers back to my baby boy who is gone! Each time it happens I get a horrible plumetting  feeling in my stomach that I cannot stop. For the most part, outwardly, I seem to have recovered from my grief fairly well. But I still can't sleep. I'm not hungry but I eat because I know I have to. I want to hide away from my life but I know I can't. Are things getting better? I don't know. My world feels very different and it's not a comfortable feeling.

Six Months

Here I am. It's July 7th. My son would be 6 months old now. I have a photo in our room of our daughter at 6 months old sitting in the grass. I look at it and remember her at six months and wonder what Kai would be like if he had lived . . . and I cry, a lot.

Last night, before my daughter went to sleep we talked a bit about her baby brother, Kai. 

We wondered if he would still look just like her? Would he have had more hair? She wanted to know if he would be able to walk yet? Would Kai be doing the same things she did at six months old? I can't tell her,  "I don't know and we will never know because he died." So we use our imaginations and try to guess what Kai would be like . . . He would absolutely be in love with his big sister. She would teach him songs and play little hand games with him. We would take him outside, put a blanket down and sit with him on he grass. He would like looking at the trees and sky. She would have to stop him from eating grass, point out cars, dogs, trees and name them for him to hear. We would take turns blowing raspberries on his little belly so that we could hear him make that wonderful baby belly laugh . . . We both smile and cry and these dreams we create.

I give my daughter a big hug so that she can give some of the hug to Kai if he happens to visit her in her dreams like The Beatles once did. She tells me that if I miss Kai too much and need to hug something I can always hug her pink doll if she is sleeping or at a play date. She thinks the doll is about the same size as Kai was (she is right) so even though it's a girl doll, she's the right size and it's easy to pretend it's Kai. 

The last couple of weeks have been very difficult. A friend from PBSO pointed out to me that around the sixth month, the grieving process takes a turn for the worse. I think it's labelled "Disorganization and Despair". My frame of mind meets almost all of the characteristics they describe. I feel worse than I did three months ago, everything seems hopeless, i can't eat, i sleep a lot, etc. I guess I can try to take some sort of warped comfort in knowing it is all expected to happen and that I am within the average time frame of grieving . . . I'm not really going out of my mind . . . yet.