Sunday, August 23, 2009


Siesta Key, Florida 2008

Computer keeps disconnecting from the internet! I don't know enough about these things to trouble shoot the problem! I don't think my brain would be able to handle all the information needed anyway.

Held my second infant last weekend. Our friends daughter is 5 weeks old. She's a beautiful little girl. I held her for about an hour, and I loved it. Of course,  my emotions caught up to me later in the day when things had slowed down. I'm not sure if what I'm doing is good for me. So many people say that even years later they have a difficult time around infants. All I know is that I will get an urge to hold a baby and most of the time I can't. So if the chance arises I take it. I've always loved holding babies. In the back of my mind I know I will feel pretty awful afterwards -the pain of a broken heart, anguish, anger -  but it doesn't seem to matter. I figure that if I feel all those things afterwards, then it must need to come out. I only get anxious before hand, when I know that I will be visiting or when I become aware that there is a baby in the group. I actually feel very contented when I do hold a baby. 
I think to myself: this is what Kai will never get; I hope that he has somehow kept a memory of the times that I held him after he was still born, of how much I loved him in the hours I got to spend with him in the hospital, of how much I still love him and miss him; Kai would be happy that all of my love for him isn't turning into anguish or despair and that the I can share the love I feel for him with these other babies. 

I believe that Kai, like most children, would be glad to know that he is loved and missed. He would not want to be the cause of unending sorrow and anguish. I do not want him to think or feel that! It is really difficult to stay afloat some days, but I'll keep trying.

Tuesday, August 11, 2009

Empty arms in Haliburton

We went camping last weekend up in Haliburton. This is the view from our campsite. It was my daughter's first camping experience. She wasn't too impressed at first but once we lit a camp fire she seemed to love it! She became "Keeper of the Fire". I brought a picture of Kai to put beside my sleeping bag. It was automatic. Bringing his picture camping was, in some way, a way for me to have both my children camping with us. 

There was a nine month old baby boy at another site. I was able to hold him for a while. It was the first time I had held a baby since Kai. I was fine while I held little A, but later in the day the pain came washing over me and I cried and cried. I wanted so badly to hold that little guy again. It just felt so perfect. Kai would be seven months old as of Friday - the first day of our camping trip.

I am really feeling that "empty arms" symptom now. I hate it! It just reminds me that my son is gone and there is nothing I can do about it. 
I keep thinking of making a doll of Kai. I am creative, i can do basic sewing and I could create a really artistic little bundle for me to hold. Is that creepy? Is it healthy? I don't know. I just want to hold my baby boy that would be seven months old now.

Me and A.