Envy and anger - why?

Life seems so unfair so much of the time.
I had an OB appointment today. Just a visit so that they could tell me the  results of my blood test that was taken to see if I still had healthy eggs. We've been trying for 9 months to get pregnant. Not a long time, I know, but our daughter and our son were conceived on the first try. Also, now that I'm 43 I really feel that clock ticking. Kai was supposed to be our last. A girl and a boy. Two children who would hopefully help each other out and keep each other as family when we were no longer here. I do consider myself a mother of two, but as my daughter said, "I want a brother or sister that I can talk to and play with.". I understand.
This afternoon I just found out that a friend who is the same age as I am is having her 5th child. They thought they were finished, but life happens. I'm very happy for her but at the same time I'm sitting here crying, feeling like a loser who can't keep a child alive and who can't even get pregnant. Is something wrong with me? Is there a decree somewhere that says I'm only allowed to have one live child? If there is, I wish someone would tell me so that I don't go through all this trying to conceive, dissappointment and heartache over and over again. I feel like I shouldn't even try to think that I can get pregnant and have a healthy child again. Is it because I am in art? Have I poisoned myself with all the fumes from ink, dust from paper? Why?
WHY did my son DIE?
WHY can't I get pregnant as easily as I did the first two times?
WHY can't I get pregnant NOW?
Why do I feel like I am cursed?
Have I let my family down?

i know that these feelings are considered normal, that any emotions I'm feeling are there for me to go through and experience and that they will probably pass in a day or so... but it still sends a stabbing pain to my heart that makes me want to rip it out and stomp on it so that I don't feel it!!

Summertime

At my mother-in-laws birthday a few weeks ago I was still dealing with the after effects of my miscarriage. Not so fun since I was at the cottage and there were a whole bunch of people all crammed into one cottage with one bathroom! I managed to lose myself by puttering along the shore of the lake gathering tiny shells. During the birthday celebration my mother-in law exclaimed how lucky she was to have all her children and all her grandchildren there for her birthday. Yes, she was very lucky and I know that she did not mean anything by it - but all I could think was, "...but one of your grandchildren isn't here! My baby isn't here! He should be here." I went someplace away from everyone to cry for a bit. I'm glad I have learned to let allow myself time to cry. It didn't last long and I was able to get back to the celebration and feel pretty much okay.

There is a closet door at the cottage where all the grandchildren's heights are recorded every year when they are there. I've asked my husband if he thinks it would be alright to add Kai's height to the door and so the next time I'm up at the cottage I will take the black 'sharpie' and add our son's name, birth/death date and length of 17 inches to the door!

 Puttering around at my in-laws cottage.

Last weekend we attended the Haliburton Scout Reserve Alumni Weekend and camped at the water's edge like we did last year. It felt very strange doing the same things as we had done a year ago. A year. Last year I was at this same spot thinking  and crying about our son who had died less than a year ago. We were using the same tent that we had gotten in anticipation of having a second child that we would be camping with. There was lots of extra space inside. I put my photos of Kai in a spot beside my sleeping bag. The Saturday was the 7th of the month marking Kai's 19th month. My husband picked flowers to keep with us at our campsite. They are in the foreground of the photo below. Nothing fancy -they're sitting in a Tim Horton's cup - but it was nice having something to look at that we brought just for Kai, to symbolize his special day and our memory.

 Camping in Haliburton and making jewelry from nature!

Last year the little guy below was nine months at the Alumni Weekend. He was the first baby boy I had held since Kai. He's now almost two years old! I loved playing with him and watching him play and discover! He's such a happy, good natured child! As much as I loved playing and watching A, I did have a couple of times where my heart dropped to my stomach and I thought of Kai who would be a month younger than this cutie. What would my son be like? Would he be as happy? would the two of them "play" together? How big would Kai be? What would he look like?... Is this what it would be like playing with Kai? The thoughts hurt my chest. I cried and let the tears soak into my husband's shoulder for a couple of minutes and then they were gone. The heartache lifted and I was once again able to enjoy watching A play.

What a cutie! A. is just a month older than Kai.

Too Sad.

Purple Cone Flowers from Lor's garden.

MY friend sent this poem to me after she read my facebook update. I couldn't pull it together yesterday to go to freelance job.
It isn't hers, but somehow she knew this poem.
It could be Kai and I.

It's sad to know so many women go through this.


Perfect Even In Death

No one remembers,
I cannot say why
Only thing I keep thinking
Is that nobody tried

You were mine, only mine
No one knew you like me
I don't know why He couldn't
Just let you be

We shared so much
In our short time together,
And the time that we shared
Has made memories forever

So much I learned,
So much I lost -
Everything turned, toppled
And tossed

Butterfly flutters, then turns
And kicks . . .
Then, that sad day . . .
Was my mind playing tricks?

No cry, no movement,
not even a Breath . . .
As you lay on my tummy -
Perfect even in death

When I think of you now
At the age you would be,
A beautiful "big boy"
Is the child I see

My son you were,
My son you'll always be
And One -
That is us;
You and Me"

by Lil' Red

Waves

Siesta Key, Florida 2008

Aargh!

Computer keeps disconnecting from the internet! I don't know enough about these things to trouble shoot the problem! I don't think my brain would be able to handle all the information needed anyway.

Held my second infant last weekend. Our friends daughter is 5 weeks old. She's a beautiful little girl. I held her for about an hour, and I loved it. Of course,  my emotions caught up to me later in the day when things had slowed down. I'm not sure if what I'm doing is good for me. So many people say that even years later they have a difficult time around infants. All I know is that I will get an urge to hold a baby and most of the time I can't. So if the chance arises I take it. I've always loved holding babies. In the back of my mind I know I will feel pretty awful afterwards -the pain of a broken heart, anguish, anger -  but it doesn't seem to matter. I figure that if I feel all those things afterwards, then it must need to come out. I only get anxious before hand, when I know that I will be visiting or when I become aware that there is a baby in the group. I actually feel very contented when I do hold a baby. 

I think to myself: this is what Kai will never get; I hope that he has somehow kept a memory of the times that I held him after he was still born, of how much I loved him in the hours I got to spend with him in the hospital, of how much I still love him and miss him; Kai would be happy that all of my love for him isn't turning into anguish or despair and that the I can share the love I feel for him with these other babies. 

I believe that Kai, like most children, would be glad to know that he is loved and missed. He would not want to be the cause of unending sorrow and anguish. I do not want him to think or feel that! It is really difficult to stay afloat some days, but I'll keep trying.