Tuesday, December 25, 2012

to Enzo's Mommy

"It is funny how the feelings of loss and grief wash up like waves. Some days/months are easier than others... but I haven't quite figured out why. You are supposed to go with the flow and not fight your emotions but it is SO tiring! I'm trying to learn to accept that all a person can do is go with the flow and try to relax enough to stay afloat. I sunk several times in the past year but I guess I've never hit the bottom (even though it feels like I have!) because I keep finding myself eventually fighting to keep afloat. At times like this I wish we could all join in a BIG messy, sobby hug. A big hug that contains compassion, understanding, empathy, love and support. A hug that we all wish we could give our dead babies but give to each other instead."
- part of a note I wrote to Enzo's mother earlier today.

Christmas this year sucks. Too many new infants in my life and one sweet baby boy who died 10 days ago. He isn't mine. I know his mother from a workshop I taught and she contacted me just before he died. K. (I'm not going to write his name because I am not sure if his mother would want me to) was born premature and fought for 6 more months to stay in this world. When I read his mother's e-mail to me I had one of those film style flashbacks of my time with my son and the pain of his death. The absolute, piercing feeling of despair at having to leave my child in a cold sterile room when I had to go home. It saddened me to think that she might have the same piercing emotions. No one should have to experience emotions that are so strong, intense, painful and disturbing!... but we do... and we have to deal with the echoing after effects of this huge shock. Is this how the saying, "Life isn't fair." first came about, because it is SO true!