Sunday, April 29, 2012


Kai's red dogwood tree this spring.

It's been almost three and a half three years. I've always felt my life was ill balanced but after Kai's death it became even worse. For a while it was better... but now when I start to lose my balance I find it very difficult to right myself again. I know I have to for my daughter...but the unbalanced thoughts in my head tell me that she has her daddy and so Kai needs his mommy... and the pain of being here gets to be overwhelming at times.
There is a whole crop of brand new infants on the street by my studio. All of them are boys. I'm so relieved that all the parents had healthy, living babies. They are adorable! But I also get a feeling of being kicked or stabbed in my stomach. I can't have a "Rainbow" child. I had hoped we could but it didn't work out that way. My cycle is already slowing down. I see those happy parents with their adorable new children and I feel like an absolute failure at life. I know I'm not supposed to think that...but it is difficult.
I wish we could adopt but we can't. We don't have the money and as a past psychiatric in-patient I am not the best candidate for a mom.
Kai, what did I do wrong? Why did your cord whither where it attached to the placenta? I wish you could tell me...

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