|Cape Cod Oct. 2010.|
My body is so tired that I need a break from breathing. Sleep isn't good enough. I still breath and see and feel while I'm asleep!
I want a state of nothingness... where I'm totally unaware of my existence and everything that has to do with me. The closest thing I have found to this state of nothingness is death... but I don't really want to die - I just want to shut down for a while and then turn on again.
Death is too permanent ...I know that too well. But what other alternatives do we have out there? In my twenty something years of searching I haven't found anything close to an off button or shut down program for myself. Drugs and alcohol blur your state but you still breath, think, and feel... and as time goes on it makes everything so much worse.
I don't want worse. I want better. If only I could take a break from being aware of myself so that I could re-charge and rest.