Thursday, February 3, 2011


Cape Cod Oct. 2010.
I often wish I was like a piece of machinery that could be turned off. I wan to turn off! I've tried so many times to figure out where that stupid on/off device is hidden on me! I just want to know and feel nothing for a little while.
My body is so tired that I need a break from breathing. Sleep isn't good enough. I still breath and see and feel while I'm asleep!
I want a state of nothingness... where I'm totally unaware of my existence and everything that has to do with me. The closest thing I have found to this state of nothingness is death... but I don't really want to die -  I just want to shut down for a while and then turn on again.
Death is too permanent ...I know that too well. But what other alternatives do we have out there? In my twenty something years of searching I haven't found anything close to an off button or shut down program for myself. Drugs and alcohol blur your state but you still breath, think, and feel... and as time goes on it makes everything so much worse.
I don't want worse. I want better. If only I could take a break from being aware of myself so that I could re-charge and rest.


  1. i feel this way sometimes too. the closest i have come is a nap. i know that sounds weird, but the sleep i get when i nap is different than night sleep. a nap is illicit - i'm supposed to be functioning, everyone and everything around me is awake. but i'm tucked away around a blanket. when i can nap deeply i really go to a whole different place. and it helps. but it's rare.

    i hear you about death. sometimes it appeals to me too, but i also know i would never ever do it. it's the rest i want, not extermination. it is hard to live with grief - i think it is so profoundly exhausting and sometimes there is no end in sight. i think this is one of the things that sets babyloss people apart - we are forever running on low energy because the sadness can be such a weight.

    anyway, i could really relate to this post. i hope you find some rest soon. xo

  2. thanks jenni. what you said about the difference between sleep and a nap is very interesting to me.
    I find it very difficult to sleep at night. It's not very restful and it takes me hours to actually relax enough to fall asleep. I have been forcing myself to go to bed at around midnight since the new year began because I was going without much rest for the last 2 years.
    A nap on the other hand I can do without any problems. It takes five minutes for me to fall asleep but I seem to only be able to do it while the world around me is awake.
    I think that you have the explanation I have been searching for and trying to find words for. I'm glad I am not the only one who finds naps more satisfying than night time sleep.