|"There is no tragedy in life like the death of a cild. things never get back to the way they were." - President Eisenhower|
This is a part of a signature dedicated to Kai that I letterpress printed for an anthology.
My period has been off for the last 5 cycles and I cannot seem to really figure out when I am ovulating. My husband and I discussed going back on Clomid but I didn't think the fact that it made my period two weeks late was going to be helpful. As well, my immune system seems to be not working very well... stress doesn't help. I've gone back to my acupuncturist and I have made an appointment with my naturopath to try and get back to being healthy in order to get pregnant - maybe - hopefully.
I waited a year before trying to conceive. I thought it was a good idea to get my head back into a relatively good space before I got pregnant again. Now I just keep thinking that I made a big mistake. I should have gotten pregnant just after Kai's death like I wanted to. What scared me at the time was that I only thought about having another baby boy. Not a healthy baby whatever the gender. That's when my 20 years of therapy kicked in and I thought that maybe now wasn't the best time to get pregnant. Did I make a mistake?! I don't know. I do know that not being able to have another child after losing one is making me feel like I'm a failure as a wife, mother and woman!
All the infant loss mothers that I know had healthy babies after their loss ... but they were all younger as well. I wish I knew someone who wasn't able have a child after losing one. How did they get through it all? How did they stay sane?