Monday, May 23, 2011

Getting back

"There is no tragedy in life like the death of a cild. things never get back to the way they were." - President Eisenhower
This is a part of a signature dedicated to Kai that I letterpress printed for an anthology. 
Well, I haven't really written anything for a while. Mostly because I don't know what to say... my mood has really gone down and my head is in an incoherent fog most of the time. I just keep thinking... I'm 44... maybe I'm too old to have another baby... I'm never going to get pregnant... Kai was the last... I shouldn't have waited after he died... I've failed... my daughter would be such a great big sister and I've failed her... maybe I should just stop trying... and so on, and so on. I know. Not good. but I can't get these thoughts out of my head.
My period has been off  for the last 5 cycles and I cannot seem to really figure out when I am ovulating. My husband and I discussed going back on Clomid but I didn't think the fact that it made my period two weeks late was going to be helpful. As well, my immune system seems to be not working very well... stress doesn't help.  I've gone back to my acupuncturist and I have made an appointment with my naturopath to try and get back to being healthy in order to get pregnant - maybe - hopefully.
I waited a year before trying to conceive. I thought it was a good idea to get my head back into a relatively good space before I got pregnant again. Now I just keep thinking that I made a big mistake. I should have gotten pregnant just after Kai's death like I wanted to. What scared me at the time was that I only thought about having another baby boy. Not a healthy baby whatever the gender. That's when my 20 years of therapy kicked in and I thought that maybe now wasn't the best time to get pregnant. Did I make a mistake?! I don't know. I do know that not being able to have another child after losing one is making me feel like I'm a failure as a wife, mother and woman!
All the infant loss mothers that I know had healthy babies after their loss ... but they were all younger as well. I wish I knew someone who wasn't able have a child after losing one. How did they get through it all? How did they stay sane?

Tuesday, May 3, 2011 goes on.

Kai's name on the beach made from gathered sea shells and sea weed.
Sunny Isles, Florida.
Kai's big sister writing his name in the sand at Turtle Beach.
Sarasota, FL.

She had to write his name so many times because they kept getting washed away before she could finish and have a photo taken! This one finally worked!