Sunday, September 27, 2009

PBSO Walk to Remember

Rainbows in Pennsylvania

For those of you in Toronto, PBSO is having their annual Walk to Remember on Sunday Oct. 4th at 2:00 pm. Here is some of the information I was sent:
The "walk" takes about 15 - 20 minutes and will happen "rain or shine".
 Meet inside the East gates of Mt. Pleasant Cemetery and walk to The Children's Garden. 
When we reach the Children's Garden, there is a short non-demoninational service, which includes some poems read by parents. If you have a favourite poem or one you have written for your baby, please bring it along. Please let us know that you have it with you. You may read it yourself, or ask someone to read it on your behalf if you don't feel it's something you can do yourself.
Parents then have the opportunity to come up to the microphone and give the names of their babies that they are there to remember. After which we have the Dove Release. Followed by refreshments.
The whole thing takes about 45 minutes to 1 hour.

Friday, September 25, 2009

In the moment?

Peering into the cosmos

Started yoga two weeks ago - ouch! I'll keep it up though because my mental and physical state needs it.

My naturopath prescribed Iamara for me. It's a homeopathic that is specifically for depression due to grief. I can take it along with my regular antidepressants! I've been taking one miniscule white ball a day and it actually seems to help!! I've been able to cut back on one of my medications! 
This is a homeopathic remedy that has a much longer track record than modern anti-depressants, is much, much less expensive and you don't have to have a doctor's prescription. I wish my psychiatrist and /or therapist had let me know about this. 
So, time is marching on regardless of how I feel about it. At this point Kai has been dead for as long as he lived. It's an unsettling thought. For some reason it just does not feel right for me to experience anything past this point. Usually your child's life goes on past your own. 
All these time passages are extremely unsettling to me. It's doesn't match what I feel or what is in my head. 
How does one live in the moment? 

Sunday, September 13, 2009


Kai's butterfly from the PBSO Butterfly Release in July

I can't believe it's September already!  How can time pass so quickly and so slowly all at once? Trying to make sense of it makes my brain hurt. 

I received the results of my blood tests that were taken after Kai died and again in the summer. Still no clues as to what happened to him. I'm still experiencing the vertigo that I had when I was pregnant. And I'm still having the muscle spasms, though they aren't as strong as when I was pregnant. Do I really want to know why he died? Would it help? Yes and no. Contradiction. That seems to be my life since Kai died. 

I've started getting back into my studio. It's a mess. I left on December 23rd thinking I'd be back to tidy up in the new year before my due date. Didn't happen. Here I am, 8 months later, just getting back to my work. 8 months... almost enough time to have a baby...! See! That is how my mind seems to be working! Everything refers back to my baby boy who is gone! Each time it happens I get a horrible plumetting  feeling in my stomach that I cannot stop. For the most part, outwardly, I seem to have recovered from my grief fairly well. But I still can't sleep. I'm not hungry but I eat because I know I have to. I want to hide away from my life but I know I can't. Are things getting better? I don't know. My world feels very different and it's not a comfortable feeling.