Sunday, September 13, 2009


Kai's butterfly from the PBSO Butterfly Release in July

I can't believe it's September already!  How can time pass so quickly and so slowly all at once? Trying to make sense of it makes my brain hurt. 

I received the results of my blood tests that were taken after Kai died and again in the summer. Still no clues as to what happened to him. I'm still experiencing the vertigo that I had when I was pregnant. And I'm still having the muscle spasms, though they aren't as strong as when I was pregnant. Do I really want to know why he died? Would it help? Yes and no. Contradiction. That seems to be my life since Kai died. 

I've started getting back into my studio. It's a mess. I left on December 23rd thinking I'd be back to tidy up in the new year before my due date. Didn't happen. Here I am, 8 months later, just getting back to my work. 8 months... almost enough time to have a baby...! See! That is how my mind seems to be working! Everything refers back to my baby boy who is gone! Each time it happens I get a horrible plumetting  feeling in my stomach that I cannot stop. For the most part, outwardly, I seem to have recovered from my grief fairly well. But I still can't sleep. I'm not hungry but I eat because I know I have to. I want to hide away from my life but I know I can't. Are things getting better? I don't know. My world feels very different and it's not a comfortable feeling.

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