It used to be easier.

I'll be forty-four next week. It's freaking me out. I'm not freaked out by getting older in general, but for the last two years I have been acutely aware of how old I am and how much time I may or may not have left to conceive another child.
Conceiving our daughter and then our son was easier than easy. One time was all it took. Now, after Kai's still birth conceiving a child has become almost impossible.
I waited a year after Kai's stillbirth before trying to have another child even though my heart and head were screaming to me that I needed another child. I realized that I was only thinking of a male baby... and that scared me. So, I waited and worked on grieving and dealing with my fears and ideas that the fates are against me.
Now we've been trying for over a year. I miscarried last June. In January I started taking Clomid, progesterone, and using an ovulation tester. This month my period was late. It's been a week. I tried to not get excited and I tried to deal with it all in my head but yesterday I told a friend about what was going on and how my brain is thinking of too many things both good and bad. I thought  - uh-oh. as soon as you tell someone you know it's going to be bad news - but that is my old negative way of thinking! I'm stronger now and don't believe all those stories I've told myself for years. Right! So I went to bed feeling okay. I woke up this morning to find my period had started... and now I'm trying not to say "I told you so!" to myself.
It seems that many women, after having a perinatal death have several miscarriages before finally keeping a pregnancy. It worries me because I don't have the luxury of time. I'm not young. No one stupidly said to me after Kai's death, "Don't worry. You can have another." - That's because I was 41 when my perfectly healthy son's heart stopped beating. I keep trying to be positive and keep in mind all the women I know who had children between 45 and 50... but it's only partially working. The roller coaster of trying to conceive is bad enough without adding the emotions of infant loss to it and then the age factor.
Sometimes I think I should give up on having another child (my little mean voices in my head agree because they say I had my chance and look how it ended up) but I know that if I do I will regret it. But how does one stay strong enough and calm enough to deal with all this uncertainty?

Jan. 7th, 12:44 a.m. Happy Birth Day Kai! We love you!

Friday Jan. 7th should be Kai's Birthday. He should be two years old this year. We are lucky enough to have a great bunch of friends who think it is a wonderful idea to remember Kai and his Birth Date every year.  I'm not sure what I want or need to say... I'll leave this until later. These are some beautiful pictures of the evening taken by our friend Valerie.

My friend made a delicious carrot cake for Kai's Birth Day. She even remembered to put two candles on top!

Our daughter helped me blow out Kai's two candles.

My husband lighting candles outside.
Our friends helped us remember Kai by  being with us and placing candles around his tree in our yard.

My candle.

I placed it in the snow around Kai's tree.

Our daughter, Kai's big sister and her candle.

Kai's big sister placing her candle around her brother's tree.

Our friends also placed their candles  around Kai's tree.

SO pretty in the snow. We left them out in the dark for several hours while it snowed. There were still four candles burning when we put them out at 4am! The rest were buried in snow!

Part of our gathering of friends who think it's a good thing to remember  Kai's Birth Day!
I love them!! I think Kai must love them, too. I like to believe he sent the snow as a reminder of himself.  He was born during a snowstorm!

12:44 am, 20 months later.

In one hour it will be 20 months since I gave birth to our still born baby boy, Kai. I still wonder how a perfectly healthy, strong baby can suddenly die two weeks before his due date. I do understand that he suffocated and his heart stopped beating because the umbilical cord "broke" off from the placenta. His life line "broke". But no one can tell me why or what might have caused the cord to detach from the placenta. No clots (that might have explained the withered look of the cord where it was supposed to be attached to the placenta). Nothing abnormal. He was a healthy 7 pounds when he was still born. When he was born his colouring was purpl-ish. His lips were a bright deep red. In my mind I see him all pink-ish with rosebud pink lips. The black and white photos I have of him that were taken by a NILMDTS photographer barely hint at the fact that he was born without breath. He looks like a healthy baby in a timeless black and white baby photo.

How have 20 months gone by? When I gave birth to him I just wanted to die. I wished I could die. I couldn't imagine going past that moment. For days and says and weeks and weeks I wanted to die - unable to understand how I managed to still be physically alive each moment upon moment when all that was going through my mind was that I had somehow failed my baby and I deserved to die. Needed to die...
" My older daughter would be fine with her dad looking after her. Kai would be out there without a parent. I could be there with him. Did he even know how much we love him? Did he know that his death was so unbearable that sometimes I thought it wasn't true? Was he feeling abandoned? I definitely felt I was abandoning him when I had to leave the hospital without him - but what could I do? I needed to know that he knew we love him. I needed to take care of him; keep him warm, cuddle him, sing to him, love him."

Twenty months later I still sometimes have the urge to be with him, holding him out in the universe. All those moments have turned into almost two years. I still love him. The memory of Kai still hurts to my core, but it isn't as acute and desperate anymore. I don't think of the pain I feel when I remember him as a bad thing anymore either. As I explained to my daughter, "The pain you feel when you miss someone is a positive thing. It reminds you that you love that person and that you want to see them again - that you will take notice of their absence and look forward to being with them again."

We miss you and love you every day, Kai.

Mother's Day

The first blooms ever from Kai's dogwood tree that wee planted last fall.

Celebrated my second Mother's Day with only one of my two children. It hurts knowing that I've been pregnant twice, given birth twice and had two babies... but people we saw celebrating Mother's Day all would have assumed we were parents of an only child. They should make a t-shirt, pin, bumper sticker ... something that tells everyone " We have a child/children that died but he/she/they are still very present in our hearts each and every day!".
I did enjoy the day with the child I do have and my husband. I received the traditional breakfast in bed with flowers picked from our garden, a chocolate croissant from the french bakery at the end of our street, tea and an orange. Yum! For the time that I was eating, adoring the pictures my daughter drew for me and opening my present I was fine. Content. But then, when my hands, mouth and eyes weren't busy my mood slumped and I had that familiar overwhelming need to sleep. So, I slept for a couple more hours and then tried really hard to want to move. I did and the rest of the day was spent celebrating my role in my family of 4 ( that looks like a family of 3).

Friday May 7th Kai would have been 16 months old. When does one stop counting the time? Why do I do it? In my mind he will always be a baby. So why do I keep time like I did for my first child? For her it was to mark her growth, her time here since she was born, her developmental milestones. Kai doesn't have any of that. I guess it is just a way for me to keep track of his one milestone of being stillborn. A way for me to make him more concrete in my life... counting the amount of time since we first held him in our arms. Counting the amount of time that we have held him in our hearts because we cannot physically hold him ever again.

"I Resolve"

This was posted on Circle of Moms. I like it. 

In the last 10 months since our son's death I have often berated myself for "Not getting on with life". I constantly have to remind myself (or my therapist reminds me) that i am not expected to get over my son. I have to allow myself whatever feelings I have and I have to allow myself to do whatever I need to do in order to deal with the loss of Kai. It doesn't matter if my family thinks I'm dwelling and making myself sad. It doesn't matter if I cry when I see a happy family with a baby boy. I have to allow myself to freely grieve for however long it takes. This is difficult to do. I was taught that crying was not a mature emotion and that it was a weakness. Unfortunately, many people are taught this and I think it is wrong. All of our emotions are valid and I've found that denying or stifling emotions doesn't help me at all. 

I think I'm going to stick this up beside my bed!

"I RESOLVE" 

THAT I WILL GRIEVE AS MUCH AND FOR AS LONG AS I FEEL LIKE GRIEVING, AND THAT I WILL NOT LET OTHERS PUT A TIMETABLE ON MY GRIEF. 

THAT I WILL GRIEVE IN WHATEVER WAY I FEEL LIKE GRIEVING, AND I WILL IGNORE THOSE WHO TRY TO TELL ME WHAT I SHOULD OR SHOULD NOT BE FEELING AND HOW I SHOULD OR SHOULD NOT BE BEHAVING. 

THAT I WILL CRY WHENEVER AND WHEREVER I FEEL LIKE CRYING, AND THAT I WILL NOT HOLD BACK MY TEARS JUST BECAUSE SOMEONE ELSE FEELS I SHOULD BE "BRAVE" OR "GETTING BETTER" OR "HEALING BY NOW". 

THAT I WILL TALK ABOUT MY CHILD AS OFTEN AS I WANT TO, AND THAT I WILL NOT LET OTHERS TURN ME OFF JUST BECAUSE THEY CAN'T DEAL WITH THEIR OWN FEELINGS. 

THAT I WILL NOT EXPECT FAMILY AND FRIENDS TO KNOW HOW I FEEL, UNDERSTANDING THAT ONE WHO HAS NOT LOST A CHILD CANNOT POSSIBLY KNOW HOW I FEEL. 

THAT I WILL NOT BLAME MYSELF FOR MY CHILD'S DEATH, AND I WILL CONSTATLY REMIND MYSELF THAT I DID THE BEST JOB OF PARENTING I COULD POSSIBLY HAVE DONE. BUT, WHEN FEELINGS OF GUILT ARE OVERWHELMING, I WILL REMIND MYSELF THAT THIS IS NORMAL PART OF THE GRIEF PROCESS AND IT WILL PASS. 

THAT I WILL NOT BE AFRAID OR ASHAMED TO SEEK PROFESSIONAL HELP IF I FEEL IT IS NECESSARY. 

THAT I WILL COMMUNE WITH MY CHILD AT LEAST ONCE A DAY IN WHATEVER WAY FEELS COMFORTABLE AND NATURAL TO ME, AND THAT I WON'T FEEL COMPELLED TO EXPLAIN THIS COMMUNION TO OTHERS OR TO JUSTIFY OR EVEN DISCUSS IT WITH THEM. 

THAT I WILL TRY TO EAT, SLEEP, AND EXERCISE EVERY DAY IN ORDER TO GIVE MY BODY STRENGTH IT WILL NEED TO HELP ME COPE WITH MY GRIEF. 

TO KNOW THAT I WILL HEAL, EVEN THOUGH IT WILL TAKE A LONG TIME. 

TO LET MYSELF HEAL AND NOT FEEL GUILTY ABOUT FEELING BETTER. 

TO REMIND MYSELF THAT THE GRIEF PROCESS IS CIRCUITOUS~THAT IS, I WILL NOT MAKE STEADY UPWARD PROGRESS. AND WHEN I FIND MYSELF SLIPPING BACK INTO THE OLD MOODS OF DESPAIR AND DEPRESSION, I WILL TELL MYSELF THAT "SLIPPING BACKWARD" IS ALSO A NORMAL PART OF THE GRIEF PROCESS AND THESE MOODS, TOO, WILL PASS. 

TO TRY TO BE HAPPY ABOUT SOMETHING FOR SOME PART OF EVERY DAY, KNOWING THAT AT FIRST, I MAY HAVE TO FORCE MYSELF TO THINK CHEEFUL THOUGHTS SO EVENTUALLY THEY CAN BECOME A HABIT. 

THAT I WILL REACH OUT AT TIMES AND TRY TO HELP SOMEONE ELSE, KNOWING THAT HELPING OTHERS WILL HELP ME TO GET OVER MY DEPRESSION. 

THAT EVEN THOUGH MY CHILD IS DEAD, I WILL OPT FOR LIFE, KNOWING THAT IS WHAT MY CHILD WOULD WANT ME TO DO. 

(author unknown) 

Koinobori for Kai

May 5th was Boy's Day in Japan. I made a koinobori (carp wind sock) and hung it outside. Parents hang a carp outside for each son that they have in hopes that they grow strong, determined and resilient. Even though Kai was stillborn, this is one of the things  I was looking forward to doing for him. Hopefully he will enjoy the sight of the koinobori wherever he is. 

I think for next year I will try to make a lighter and larger carp using some silk. This one was a bit heavy so it didn't fly very well.

With the death of our baby I have begun to find all sorts of occasions in which we can do some sort of  project too help us keep Kai in our lives. I'm hoping to start doing some sort of informal memorial keepsake projects at my studio to help other parents that have lost their infants. I'm not sure what projects to do, or when we should get together but it is important to me to reach out to others in similar situations and help them find something to help them keep their child with them. I had a lot of help and guidance when Kai was still born. MY midwife told me that mementoes would be important as well as creating mementoes and memories in the future. She was SO right.