My answers

Yes. I know that at age 44 the chances of me having a totally healthy baby is not great. I know that my chances of getting pregnant at my age are not good.

No. I don't think that I would be putting my child at risk because of my age. There is always a risk no mtter what the age.

Yes, I realize the chances of my child having Down's Syndrome are much higher at me age.

Yes. I know I have a wonderful, healthy daughter and yes, I do love her with all my heart. Just because I want another child doesn't mean I would love her less. Do people who have a second, third or fourth child love their first born less?

Yes. I know that some people don't even have one child. Does that mean no-one should have a child or want a child?

Yes, I'm being selfish for wanting another child. There are pretty much ONLY selfish reasons for wanting a child. But that is not necessarily a bad thing. WHo says to themselves, "I don't want to give birth to a child but I'll do it anyway to populate my country or because it's my duty!"?

If Kai had lived would you still be saying these stupid things to me about trying to have another child?

Yes, I will be an older parent and the odds of me dying of old age are greater... but I unfortunately know young parents who have died of illness or accident and left young children behind as well. I've learned the hard way that for death age doesn't matter!

Why are people so quick to point out all the bad things about me having another baby? Do they really think it helps? Do they think that all these things haven't already gone through my mind hundreds of times? My healthy baby died for no known reason! Of course I go through everything that might happen... I weigh the pros and cons... but in the end it comes down to, - in ten years, if I didn't try to have another child because of whatever reason (fear of what may happen), would I greatly regret my decision? Yes, I would and my husband agrees as well.

So, please don't ask me questions as if I am naive about having a baby. I am not.  Once you have had an infant loss there is no way that you can be naive about pregnancy and childbirth! I actually wish that I could know a little less about all the things that can and do go wrong!

What I need from my friends is support and encouragement. I've already got all the negative stuff in my head! I need my friends to help me keep a balance.

Being strong

I found this in Pinterest. How true. I never thought I could be strong enough to go  through a natural birth knowing that my son was already dead just two weeks before he was due. I also didn't think I would be able to deal with living without him. But I'm still here. trying one day at a time.

Sailing

This is so beautiful. Hugs, tender human contact is so lacking in this world. 

I grew up without hugs and I always wondered if I was loved. I hug my daughter every day at least once. I miss being able to hug my son. Hugging Kai's photo just didn't work for me. Recently we bought a Dick Bruna stuffed toy. It's his little sailor character from one of his stories. The sailor is about the same size as Kai was when he was born. The plush sailor was really difficult to find. 

I think they discontinued making the plush little children characters a while ago. I first saw them 12 years ago when we lived in Japan. At that time I jokingly asked my husband to buy one because then we would have our own little care free baby! 

When Kai was stillborn I thought of the little plush Dick Bruna kids from Japan. We looked all over for such a long time and then we found one at an asian toy collector's store in an asian mall in Toronto. They only had the sailor which was amazing since Kai's name means "the sea" in Hawaiian! He was almost $100.00! but I'm so glad we bought him. I hug my little Dick Bruna sailor and hope that he sets sail on the ocean of a universe and delivers my hugs to Kai.

I miss you SO much sweetpea!!

2011...

Fallen icicles on Allen St.

uh huh. Feeling kind of numb. Have been for several weeks. Not happy, but no tears. It horrifies me ...but... I look at Kai's pictures and he doesn't seem real. He's a very cute baby... but I feel like the memories I have are from a movie I watched a long time ago. He's the baby from the movie. I don't really feel a direct connection to him. I used to look at his pictures and instantly feel an overwhelming pain and loss. Like I'd lost my heart and needed to get it back at all cost! I'd feel frantic! Numb is less painful... but scarier. I remember this kind of feeling from when I would get extremely depressed. I don't feel extremely depressed. I'm a little confused... Is this normal? ...Am I forgetting my son? ...Am i depressed but not in a way that is familiar to me?... is my mind protecting me? ...Should I try and force the numbness away?

I think this must be what it's like when you start having memory loss in your old age.  It scares me. I don't want to forget my son and the emotions that are connected to him. Yes. Almost are of those emotions are painful ... but I'll never laugh at his questions or be so happy when he takes his first steps... those emotions will never be associated with him because those events will never be happily associated with him. Most of the emotions I have with him are painful. If I lose the first hand knowledge of that pain, do I lose my memory of him? It's not that I want to dwell on the pain of losing him... but that is the emotion I associate with him. It's the one that overshadows all the other emotions I had... the pride that he was so perfect, so healthy looking for a dead baby... the pride I should have felt because I had an almost perfect natural birth (only my baby was already dead, so it wasn't quite so perfect!)...the love my husband, daughter and I had for Kai that I thought would be enough to bring us a "Disney moment"... the love, comfort and support I felt from my midwives, doula and hospital staff... those emotions and feelings all exist with Kai, but still the   emotion that surrounds it all is pain from loss, sadness, guilt, frustration, anger, disbelief...

I know all those emotions are there... I just don't feel any of them right now... why?

Merry Christmas Kai

Family holidays without a member of your family is SO difficult! Almost too difficult when it is a child... but we managed. I decided to participate in two infant loss holiday exchanges hoping that it would get me into the holiday mood as well as give me some time during this busy season to slow down and think of my son and hopefully add a little bit of a bittersweet smile to some other parents' holiday because their little babies are now known and thought of by one more person. 

In exchange for the two ornaments I sent, I received another hand decorated ornament and a gift package!

The ornament is decorated with Kai's name on the front and his stillbirth date on the back... all done in glitter. It's beautiful! Subtle colours. I love it and it looks great on our tree! 

The package contained items for Kai, me, my husband and daughter. Kai's name means "the sea" in Hawaiian and he was born during a snowstorm. These are things I associate with my son.  In the package were items that symbolized snow and sea!... many were wonderfully handmade! On Jan. 7th we are going to have a little birthday party for Kai.  I'm going to play the CD when we use the "FLying Wish Papers" on his day! The shell ring, feather, shell and stone that looks like ice are all in his Butsudan in the living room. His beautiful blue ornament will go there as well when we take down the tree.

This is the beautiful ornament that I received in the ornament exchange from the Remembering Together Holiday Swap.
Thank you SO much Tracey for the beautiful ornament! 

A very thoughtful gift from the Faces of Loss gift exchange.

Jackie included two very special rings for my daughter and a special calendar for my husband.

Jackie made this snowflake ornament with beads spelling out Kai's name. We hung it outside on his red flowering dogwood tree with the other ornaments we made.

I picked up these aluminum heart tags at the Movies and Makers Craft  Show that I participated in. I thought they would be perfect for decorating and putting on Kai's tree for the holidays. Martha (the craftsperson who made them) gave me an extra package when she found out what I was going to do with them so I was able to give some to members of the PBSO support group I go to!
Thank you Martha!

Ornament from mommy.

Ornament from Kai's big sister.

Ornament from Daddy.

I am so glad that there is more information in the news about infant death and how to help! For me... more awareness = improved knowledge, better treatment and care!

New programs for 'silent grief' of miscarriages, stillbirths

November 1, 2010 on parentcentral

ALISON AULd
http://www.parentcentral.ca/parent/babiespregnancy/pregnancy/article/883977--new-programs-for-silent-grief-of-miscarriages-stillbirths


...feel SO sad for her. Their hearts must be breaking. I think this is where being famous isn't helpful. I hope people give them time and privacy to go through the long mourning process. Sigh.

Lily Allen Loses Her Baby

Nick Sadler/Startraks

Lily Allen has again suffered the heartbreak of losing a child during pregnancy.

“It is with great sadness that we have to confirm that Lily Allen and Sam Cooper have lost their baby,” the British singer’s rep tells PEOPLE in a statement.

“The couple ask that their privacy be respected and that they be left alone at this deeply distressing time. No further comment will be made.”

Allen, 25, announced a few weeks ago that the baby, a boy, was due in January. This is her second such loss – coming almost three years after she suffered a miscarriage during her relationship with musician Ed Simons.

Allen and Cooper, an upmarket decorator, hadannounced their pregnancy in August. Allen had also Tweeted a pic of herself excitedly holding up a newspaper with the good news.

Allen has spoken of having children as “ultimately my main goal” in life.

– Simon Perry

12:44 am, 20 months later.

In one hour it will be 20 months since I gave birth to our still born baby boy, Kai. I still wonder how a perfectly healthy, strong baby can suddenly die two weeks before his due date. I do understand that he suffocated and his heart stopped beating because the umbilical cord "broke" off from the placenta. His life line "broke". But no one can tell me why or what might have caused the cord to detach from the placenta. No clots (that might have explained the withered look of the cord where it was supposed to be attached to the placenta). Nothing abnormal. He was a healthy 7 pounds when he was still born. When he was born his colouring was purpl-ish. His lips were a bright deep red. In my mind I see him all pink-ish with rosebud pink lips. The black and white photos I have of him that were taken by a NILMDTS photographer barely hint at the fact that he was born without breath. He looks like a healthy baby in a timeless black and white baby photo.

How have 20 months gone by? When I gave birth to him I just wanted to die. I wished I could die. I couldn't imagine going past that moment. For days and says and weeks and weeks I wanted to die - unable to understand how I managed to still be physically alive each moment upon moment when all that was going through my mind was that I had somehow failed my baby and I deserved to die. Needed to die...
" My older daughter would be fine with her dad looking after her. Kai would be out there without a parent. I could be there with him. Did he even know how much we love him? Did he know that his death was so unbearable that sometimes I thought it wasn't true? Was he feeling abandoned? I definitely felt I was abandoning him when I had to leave the hospital without him - but what could I do? I needed to know that he knew we love him. I needed to take care of him; keep him warm, cuddle him, sing to him, love him."

Twenty months later I still sometimes have the urge to be with him, holding him out in the universe. All those moments have turned into almost two years. I still love him. The memory of Kai still hurts to my core, but it isn't as acute and desperate anymore. I don't think of the pain I feel when I remember him as a bad thing anymore either. As I explained to my daughter, "The pain you feel when you miss someone is a positive thing. It reminds you that you love that person and that you want to see them again - that you will take notice of their absence and look forward to being with them again."

We miss you and love you every day, Kai.

Black days

Oh how I hate these black days. My days are usually a grayish colour but I'm never too far from black. I haven't had colour or brightness in my life for a long time. I keep striving for it but I never seem to be able to do better than a mid to light gray. I have a cousin who is bi-polar. Sometimes I wish I was bi-polar so that I would at least know what it was like to feel really great, like I can do anything. I know that being bi-polar is not at all easy. In fact, it sucks as much as being chronically, clinically depressed.

With both my pregnancies I prayed to the "powers that be" to let my child live if anything should have to go wrong with my pregnancy. I figure that I've lived this long without really feeling like I'm part of this world so it would be better for me to die and give my babies a chance at a life that is full. Yeah, I know things don't work this way... I know I have no control over these things ... how could I, my second child died inside me a few weeks before he was due and I couldn't do a thing to stop it. He wasn't sick. I wasn't sick. One day he was fine and kicking and the next day his lifeline detached from the placenta and he died. The doctors have no idea why this happened. Of course, I have my own dark, paranoid theories as to why this happened but I'm told that my thoughts are not logical or possible. Would these theories of mine be more logical if I was religious? In Sunday School I was taught that if you weren't a good person you would not be rewarded by Him. You might even be punished. Am I being punished ... because I'm still here?... because I wasn't supposed to be here past the age of thirty (I always believed I would never live to see thirty because the pain of depression was so unbearable)?

I know what I wrote won't make sense. Most of the time my life doesn't make sense to me. I've waded through my confusion for forty years and it gets more difficult with time and life experiences.

Baby boy, I wanted ... and still want you SO much. I'm sorry if anything I did or didn't do took away your life. Please know that I love you and miss you.

First Vacation in the Year of Firsts

We left last Friday for the Poconos. It's a bit of a drive but since Kai died I haven't been working and we don't have the spare cash to fly someplace warm. At least it's pretty and quiet here. We were here two years ago - when we didn't even have the thought that we would lose a child. It has been difficult coming back and seeing some of the same things that we saw two years ago. So much has changed in my life and I had no clue the first time I was here.

I dreaded going on vacation. I felt, again, like I was abandoning Kai. It hurt to think that just three of us would be going away. Last fall when we went on vacation our daughter kept making plans for our vacation this year with her little brother. How we would have to pack the car; where we would stop; how we would have to plan our activities so that her brother could have fun too. All those memories stab me with pain when I think of them. When we left Friday afternoon I was fine. Scared - but fine. My daughter asked that we play my Coldplay, Viva La Vida CD. Great! No Hannah Montana for at least the first little while! When the CD got to the title song I recalled that wonderful Youtube video of the children of PS22 singing the song. Then I recalled that I first saw that video when I was still pregnant. Then I started crying. I looked out the window so that my husband and daughter couldn't see me crying. It bugs me that my husband can't deal with my tears. He just pretends like nothing is happening. It hurts. My daughter hugs me and tries to comfort me - but that is not her job. She's just a little girl. I am glad that she is compassionate, though.

We're staying at a resort that is on the Delaware River. It's beautiful here. The units we are in are older. Probably first built in the '60s or early '70s. Not luxurious, but quaint and at least clean. The units are grouped like houses on a small country road. Lots of open lawn areas, big old trees, and little gardens. I teared up when I looked around. In my mind I saw my family having a picnic under the huge evergreen behind our unit. Our daughter was entertaining her baby brother while my husband and I got the food ready. Over by the river where there is a huge flat area and a swing set I envisioned my husband and daughter playing soccer while I sat and swung gently in the swing with Kai. Is this what is called daydreaming? I wish my mind didn't wander into these fantasies that hurt. How do you stop it? Are you supposed to stop them or is it better for one's mental health to just let them happen and feel all that pain rising in your chest and taking over? It's probably the latter. So far dealing with our son's death in a healthy manner means allowing myself to feel all the horrible, painful emotions of grieving.

September!

Kai's butterfly from the PBSO Butterfly Release in July

I can't believe it's September already!  How can time pass so quickly and so slowly all at once? Trying to make sense of it makes my brain hurt. 

I received the results of my blood tests that were taken after Kai died and again in the summer. Still no clues as to what happened to him. I'm still experiencing the vertigo that I had when I was pregnant. And I'm still having the muscle spasms, though they aren't as strong as when I was pregnant. Do I really want to know why he died? Would it help? Yes and no. Contradiction. That seems to be my life since Kai died. 

I've started getting back into my studio. It's a mess. I left on December 23rd thinking I'd be back to tidy up in the new year before my due date. Didn't happen. Here I am, 8 months later, just getting back to my work. 8 months... almost enough time to have a baby...! See! That is how my mind seems to be working! Everything refers back to my baby boy who is gone! Each time it happens I get a horrible plumetting  feeling in my stomach that I cannot stop. For the most part, outwardly, I seem to have recovered from my grief fairly well. But I still can't sleep. I'm not hungry but I eat because I know I have to. I want to hide away from my life but I know I can't. Are things getting better? I don't know. My world feels very different and it's not a comfortable feeling.

Koinobori for Kai

May 5th was Boy's Day in Japan. I made a koinobori (carp wind sock) and hung it outside. Parents hang a carp outside for each son that they have in hopes that they grow strong, determined and resilient. Even though Kai was stillborn, this is one of the things  I was looking forward to doing for him. Hopefully he will enjoy the sight of the koinobori wherever he is. 

I think for next year I will try to make a lighter and larger carp using some silk. This one was a bit heavy so it didn't fly very well.

With the death of our baby I have begun to find all sorts of occasions in which we can do some sort of  project too help us keep Kai in our lives. I'm hoping to start doing some sort of informal memorial keepsake projects at my studio to help other parents that have lost their infants. I'm not sure what projects to do, or when we should get together but it is important to me to reach out to others in similar situations and help them find something to help them keep their child with them. I had a lot of help and guidance when Kai was still born. MY midwife told me that mementoes would be important as well as creating mementoes and memories in the future. She was SO right. 

Mother's Day

It's difficult to believe it's Mother's Day. I had imagined celebrating it this year with my two children. No, it never occurred to me that when my pregnancy was over that I would have what people call an "Angel Baby".  

I don't get it. It's been four months since Kai was stillborn and it doesn't make any more sense to me now than it did that snowy Tuesday morning when they told us his heart beat wasn't there. How could my healthy boy just stop breathing. Why didn't someone hint to me that a perfectly healthy pregnancy and baby could result in death! Why did the cord detach from the placenta two weeks before his due date? He looked so healthy and chubby when I delivered him! My head is full of questions that go hurtling through my mind and crash against my skull over and over again. It still seems unreal. If not for the photos of Kai and the fact that my hair is falling out, there would be no clue that I had ever had a second child.  I'm supposed to be breastfeeding him, showing our daughter how to hold him, taking him for walks in the sunshine, singing to him, watching him grow... I just cry over a life that was supposed to have been.

Life goes on and our old routines return - even if we cannot bear it. 

I have to make it myself

This afternoon I finally finished the card I was making for a Mother's Day card exchange. The card is for another woman who lost her infant. It was organised by a woman in Ontario who has also lost a child. I think it's a great project! We sent her our name and address along with our child's name. She then sent each of us another participants name and information. You have to send a Mother's Day card to the mother that you received and it is done in the name of the child that was lost. I made my card. The mother I received lost a little baby girl. I used my handmade rag paper and decorated it with ribbon, a paper butterfly and paper flowers around the butterfly. I tried to make it a girlish card, like one my daughter would pick for me. I hope she likes it!

I'm fearing Mother's Day. It is two days before Kai would have been four months old. I have not booked anything for that day just in case I end up not being able to cope. I hope it doesn't hit me hard like Easter did.

May 5th is Boy's Day in Japan. I'm trying to make a Koi no bori (carp windsock) to hang outside for our son. I guess I could buy one, but I really feel that I need to make it. This would have been his first Boy's Day. We even have a Japanese jinbei for him. When it's done I'll hang the koinobori outside from our Mulberry tree. Probably no one will understand why it's there but I often feel the need to tell people about Kai - that I had a son over the winter and he was stillborn - that I do all of this to comfort myself and to remember him- people don't want to hear sad stories so instead I make these little tributes for Kai and put them out where everyone can see them. This way I feel like I am telling everyone about our baby boy, but at the same time I am not. 

Slide show for Kai's Funeral

This slideshow was created for Kai's funeral. It makes me cry every time I watch it. The style of the photos and the music convey the bittersweet emotions that we are going through.

Marcia Leeder is the photographer. She came to the hospital in the middle of a snow storm to take pictures for us. She is a professional photographer that volunteers her time and skill with the non-profit group "Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep" (NILMDTS). The music is by American 19th century composer Robert Forster and performed by Yo Yo Ma and Alison Krauss. This is one of my most cherished keepsakes from our short time with our son.

Thank you NILMDTS and Marcia! You gave us an invaluable gift.