It's difficult to believe it's Mother's Day. I had imagined celebrating it this year with my two children. No, it never occurred to me that when my pregnancy was over that I would have what people call an "Angel Baby".
I don't get it. It's been four months since Kai was stillborn and it doesn't make any more sense to me now than it did that snowy Tuesday morning when they told us his heart beat wasn't there. How could my healthy boy just stop breathing. Why didn't someone hint to me that a perfectly healthy pregnancy and baby could result in death! Why did the cord detach from the placenta two weeks before his due date? He looked so healthy and chubby when I delivered him! My head is full of questions that go hurtling through my mind and crash against my skull over and over again. It still seems unreal. If not for the photos of Kai and the fact that my hair is falling out, there would be no clue that I had ever had a second child. I'm supposed to be breastfeeding him, showing our daughter how to hold him, taking him for walks in the sunshine, singing to him, watching him grow... I just cry over a life that was supposed to have been.
Life goes on and our old routines return - even if we cannot bear it.