Life...it goes on.

Kai's name on the beach made from gathered sea shells and sea weed.
Sunny Isles, Florida.

Kai's big sister writing his name in the sand at Turtle Beach.
Sarasota, FL.

She had to write his name so many times because they kept getting washed away before she could finish and have a photo taken! This one finally worked!

Merry Christmas Kai

Family holidays without a member of your family is SO difficult! Almost too difficult when it is a child... but we managed. I decided to participate in two infant loss holiday exchanges hoping that it would get me into the holiday mood as well as give me some time during this busy season to slow down and think of my son and hopefully add a little bit of a bittersweet smile to some other parents' holiday because their little babies are now known and thought of by one more person. 

In exchange for the two ornaments I sent, I received another hand decorated ornament and a gift package!

The ornament is decorated with Kai's name on the front and his stillbirth date on the back... all done in glitter. It's beautiful! Subtle colours. I love it and it looks great on our tree! 

The package contained items for Kai, me, my husband and daughter. Kai's name means "the sea" in Hawaiian and he was born during a snowstorm. These are things I associate with my son.  In the package were items that symbolized snow and sea!... many were wonderfully handmade! On Jan. 7th we are going to have a little birthday party for Kai.  I'm going to play the CD when we use the "FLying Wish Papers" on his day! The shell ring, feather, shell and stone that looks like ice are all in his Butsudan in the living room. His beautiful blue ornament will go there as well when we take down the tree.

This is the beautiful ornament that I received in the ornament exchange from the Remembering Together Holiday Swap.
Thank you SO much Tracey for the beautiful ornament! 

A very thoughtful gift from the Faces of Loss gift exchange.

Jackie included two very special rings for my daughter and a special calendar for my husband.

Jackie made this snowflake ornament with beads spelling out Kai's name. We hung it outside on his red flowering dogwood tree with the other ornaments we made.

I picked up these aluminum heart tags at the Movies and Makers Craft  Show that I participated in. I thought they would be perfect for decorating and putting on Kai's tree for the holidays. Martha (the craftsperson who made them) gave me an extra package when she found out what I was going to do with them so I was able to give some to members of the PBSO support group I go to!
Thank you Martha!

Ornament from mommy.

Ornament from Kai's big sister.

Ornament from Daddy.

Holiday Ornament and Gift Exchange

This year I decided to participate in two Holiday exchanges for mom's who have lost their infants. For one exchange we were to send an ornament and for the other a small gift. I decided I would create personalized ornaments for both exchanges. Focusing on creating these ornaments was my way of spending time with Kai.  If not for him I would not be involved in these wonderful little gestures of friendship, sympathy and understanding. I think of him and talk to him while I do these little projects.

Both ornaments were made out of cotton pulp and cast in the shape of a heart. I letterpress printed the infants' names and dates on pieces of my handmade paper and used it as part of the decoration of the heart. I think they turned out quite wonderfully. Now I must make one for Kai and his big sister!

The holidays are so difficult. Even our daughter is finding this Christmas difficult. Yesterday was her last day of school before the holidays. I guess she got sad thinking of  two holidays ago on the last day of school when she was looking forward to playing with her baby brother in the new year. The principal found her crying in the afternoon. Our daughter didn't mention anything to us. We didn't know until we received a telephone call from her principal asking if she was alright. She's almost ten now and I'm guessing that the reality of the death of her baby brother is starting to set in. She started crying again tonight because she missed Kai. I know how she feels. 

I am so glad that there is more information in the news about infant death and how to help! For me... more awareness = improved knowledge, better treatment and care!

New programs for 'silent grief' of miscarriages, stillbirths

November 1, 2010 on parentcentral

ALISON AULd
http://www.parentcentral.ca/parent/babiespregnancy/pregnancy/article/883977--new-programs-for-silent-grief-of-miscarriages-stillbirths


...feel SO sad for her. Their hearts must be breaking. I think this is where being famous isn't helpful. I hope people give them time and privacy to go through the long mourning process. Sigh.

Lily Allen Loses Her Baby

Nick Sadler/Startraks

Lily Allen has again suffered the heartbreak of losing a child during pregnancy.

“It is with great sadness that we have to confirm that Lily Allen and Sam Cooper have lost their baby,” the British singer’s rep tells PEOPLE in a statement.

“The couple ask that their privacy be respected and that they be left alone at this deeply distressing time. No further comment will be made.”

Allen, 25, announced a few weeks ago that the baby, a boy, was due in January. This is her second such loss – coming almost three years after she suffered a miscarriage during her relationship with musician Ed Simons.

Allen and Cooper, an upmarket decorator, hadannounced their pregnancy in August. Allen had also Tweeted a pic of herself excitedly holding up a newspaper with the good news.

Allen has spoken of having children as “ultimately my main goal” in life.

– Simon Perry

Envy and anger - why?

Life seems so unfair so much of the time.
I had an OB appointment today. Just a visit so that they could tell me the  results of my blood test that was taken to see if I still had healthy eggs. We've been trying for 9 months to get pregnant. Not a long time, I know, but our daughter and our son were conceived on the first try. Also, now that I'm 43 I really feel that clock ticking. Kai was supposed to be our last. A girl and a boy. Two children who would hopefully help each other out and keep each other as family when we were no longer here. I do consider myself a mother of two, but as my daughter said, "I want a brother or sister that I can talk to and play with.". I understand.
This afternoon I just found out that a friend who is the same age as I am is having her 5th child. They thought they were finished, but life happens. I'm very happy for her but at the same time I'm sitting here crying, feeling like a loser who can't keep a child alive and who can't even get pregnant. Is something wrong with me? Is there a decree somewhere that says I'm only allowed to have one live child? If there is, I wish someone would tell me so that I don't go through all this trying to conceive, dissappointment and heartache over and over again. I feel like I shouldn't even try to think that I can get pregnant and have a healthy child again. Is it because I am in art? Have I poisoned myself with all the fumes from ink, dust from paper? Why?
WHY did my son DIE?
WHY can't I get pregnant as easily as I did the first two times?
WHY can't I get pregnant NOW?
Why do I feel like I am cursed?
Have I let my family down?

i know that these feelings are considered normal, that any emotions I'm feeling are there for me to go through and experience and that they will probably pass in a day or so... but it still sends a stabbing pain to my heart that makes me want to rip it out and stomp on it so that I don't feel it!!

Beautiful clouds above our neighbourhood on Sept. 10/10

This is a note I wrote in a discussion page for group called Stories of Babies Born Still (S.O.B.B.).


We lost Kai about a month before you lost Seth! Kai was stillborn on Jan. 7th, 2009 at 38 weeks. My sister has never spoken or aknowledged that Kai existed. Even during our stay with her for a week on vacation. My husband, daughter and I talk about Kai several times a week. The only people from our families that were helpful after the funeral were my sister-in-law who would come and help me look after my daughter on the nights my husband worked late, and my brother who would babysit my daughter on the nights we went to a perinatal loss support group. They were great... but now no-one talks about him and in many ways they act like Kai never existed. 

Yeah. I don't really care what others think. I know in my heart that he is a part of my life and always will be, just like my living daughter! The pain and heartbreak I feel when I think of him is just a reminder that I love him and miss him. There aren't many parents who wouldn't wish for all their children to be safe and with them, especially when their children are young . Why should it be any different just because our child died? 

I am very lucky. My husband understands my need to remember Kai and understands that it's better for us to keep Kai in our lives. Our daughter keeps a photo of her brother beside her bed and talks about him with her friends (ie. You are SO lucky you have a brother/sister. I wish my brother were here!) We were all looking forward to sharing a future with him. This isn't the future I pictured, but I still want to share it with my son. I recently miscarried at 9 weeks. When we told my daughter she wanted to know if it was a boy or a girl and what we should name the baby! I told her it was too early to know the gender so she suggested a name that could be a boys or girl's. Her choice..."Bean". So now, in her mind she has two siblings!

We have a Butsudan (a Bhuddist shrine for family and ancestors) in the living room with his photos, ashes, little poems, gifts, etc. I make a point to put fresh flowers or pretty weeds there. My daughter makes cards and notes for him and put them there. I figure, everyone in a family gets a space like a bedroom for themselves and their things... well, Kai doesn't need a whole room. He didn't live long enough to have many things so he only needs a small area in our living room. 

Some people are uncomfortable about the things we do to keep our sons memory alive. We don't do anything dangerous or crazy! Balloons, a tree, candle lightings, birthday gathering, photos, talking, making things, very normal! 

Whatever other people think or feel, I love my children with all my heart and soul! If one of them is not here I will miss them with all of my heart and soul until I see them again. I don't think that is a bad thing.

Yes, please keep your child's memory alive! It can and will be at times, painful and heartbreaking to be a parent of a living child! Having one baby die brings those two emotions into your life much earlier. Either way, you are a parent!

Much love and hugs,
A.

12:44 am, 20 months later.

In one hour it will be 20 months since I gave birth to our still born baby boy, Kai. I still wonder how a perfectly healthy, strong baby can suddenly die two weeks before his due date. I do understand that he suffocated and his heart stopped beating because the umbilical cord "broke" off from the placenta. His life line "broke". But no one can tell me why or what might have caused the cord to detach from the placenta. No clots (that might have explained the withered look of the cord where it was supposed to be attached to the placenta). Nothing abnormal. He was a healthy 7 pounds when he was still born. When he was born his colouring was purpl-ish. His lips were a bright deep red. In my mind I see him all pink-ish with rosebud pink lips. The black and white photos I have of him that were taken by a NILMDTS photographer barely hint at the fact that he was born without breath. He looks like a healthy baby in a timeless black and white baby photo.

How have 20 months gone by? When I gave birth to him I just wanted to die. I wished I could die. I couldn't imagine going past that moment. For days and says and weeks and weeks I wanted to die - unable to understand how I managed to still be physically alive each moment upon moment when all that was going through my mind was that I had somehow failed my baby and I deserved to die. Needed to die...
" My older daughter would be fine with her dad looking after her. Kai would be out there without a parent. I could be there with him. Did he even know how much we love him? Did he know that his death was so unbearable that sometimes I thought it wasn't true? Was he feeling abandoned? I definitely felt I was abandoning him when I had to leave the hospital without him - but what could I do? I needed to know that he knew we love him. I needed to take care of him; keep him warm, cuddle him, sing to him, love him."

Twenty months later I still sometimes have the urge to be with him, holding him out in the universe. All those moments have turned into almost two years. I still love him. The memory of Kai still hurts to my core, but it isn't as acute and desperate anymore. I don't think of the pain I feel when I remember him as a bad thing anymore either. As I explained to my daughter, "The pain you feel when you miss someone is a positive thing. It reminds you that you love that person and that you want to see them again - that you will take notice of their absence and look forward to being with them again."

We miss you and love you every day, Kai.

Back to almost where I was

Kai's Dogwood tree, spring 2010.

This is the Dogwood tree that we planted last October for our son. It only had a couple of buds on it last fall when we planted it, but this spring it was full of blossoms! My mother planted the miniature white roses that we had at Kai's funeral. She put them in the front of the house. Apparently they are no longer miniature roses! They are two regular size white rose bushes filled with white roses! I love that these two plants have thrived and grown beyond expectation. It makes me smile to think that maybe Kai is helping us take care of his two memorial plants. I like to think that it means he is happy wherever he is and that he knows how much we love and miss him...

I'm trying to think of happy/beautiful things, but I'm pretty numb. I was 7 weeks pregnant but I've been bleeding heavily since this morning. I'm guessing that I have miscarried. I've never miscarried before so we're not too sure what to expect. I have an appointment Monday afternoon with my doctor that I had made to get a prescription for pre-natal vitamins... but I'll use it for figuring out the whole miscarriage thing.

About an hour ago I was quietly freaking out because my family is asleep and I didn't want to wake them... now I can't really even think or feel much (except for the cramps). I shouldn't be surprised that I'm miscarrying, should I? Most women I've met or have read about had at least one miscarriage after the death of their infant AND the chance of miscarriage rises with maternal age. I'm now 43 and that puts me right up there. I really do feel the clock ticking...

We have been lucky in the past conceiving both of our children on the first try and having no problems during my pregnancies. Unfortunately our second child died a few weeks before his due date, as most people know, and now everything seems to be a bit more difficult.

I purposely postponed getting pregnant after Kai's death because I wanted to be fairly certain that I would be able to handle the emotional stress that was sure to come with another pregnancy. I didn't want to have to add to my medication for depression again. So, for 6 months we have been trying to get pregnant. I got pregnant in May and now I am not pregnant anymore. I know I want to try again but I really am starting to fear that we will only ever have one living child... and she will be so very lonely when we are gone. I know you're not supposed to feel like a failure...but, well...

Sunny Isles Beach, 2010.

Mother's Day

The first blooms ever from Kai's dogwood tree that wee planted last fall.

Celebrated my second Mother's Day with only one of my two children. It hurts knowing that I've been pregnant twice, given birth twice and had two babies... but people we saw celebrating Mother's Day all would have assumed we were parents of an only child. They should make a t-shirt, pin, bumper sticker ... something that tells everyone " We have a child/children that died but he/she/they are still very present in our hearts each and every day!".
I did enjoy the day with the child I do have and my husband. I received the traditional breakfast in bed with flowers picked from our garden, a chocolate croissant from the french bakery at the end of our street, tea and an orange. Yum! For the time that I was eating, adoring the pictures my daughter drew for me and opening my present I was fine. Content. But then, when my hands, mouth and eyes weren't busy my mood slumped and I had that familiar overwhelming need to sleep. So, I slept for a couple more hours and then tried really hard to want to move. I did and the rest of the day was spent celebrating my role in my family of 4 ( that looks like a family of 3).

Friday May 7th Kai would have been 16 months old. When does one stop counting the time? Why do I do it? In my mind he will always be a baby. So why do I keep time like I did for my first child? For her it was to mark her growth, her time here since she was born, her developmental milestones. Kai doesn't have any of that. I guess it is just a way for me to keep track of his one milestone of being stillborn. A way for me to make him more concrete in my life... counting the amount of time since we first held him in our arms. Counting the amount of time that we have held him in our hearts because we cannot physically hold him ever again.

Happy Birthday baby boy!

Today! Jan. 7, 2010 - Happy Birthday Kai sweetheart!

Happy Birthday Kai!

Today is your first birthday. You aren't here to share this day with us but we have chosen to remember you and celebrate the day others were able to meet you! Your sister and I made a Happy 1st Birthday sign, Your dad, sister and I wrote some letters to you and attached them to three balloons that we released by your tree outside. WE hung the sign, 3 plastic butterflies that we made and some ribbon on your tree also. This evening a bunch of our friends who have been very supportive came over for a small Birthday/remembrance get together. We had a Pakistani/Japanese dinner, your dad bought a chocolate birthday cake and we all lit candles and put them around your tree. We are so very lucky that we have friends to share you with!

I realized for the first time what an amazing thing your Uncle Arthur U. did last year when he came to the hospital with snacks for your dad and I while I was waiting for my contractions to get stronger. He didn't have to come - it was a very weird, uncomfortable position to be in - but he put his own fears aside and came to visit anyway! He stayed until almost 10 pm! I said 'Thank you' to him today and I started to cry. That was the first time all day!

It's now after midnight and last year I was still at the hospital. Alex was there to keep me company because your dad had to go home and stay with your sister. Alex held you, which was very brave of her. We talked until late. The nurse came in before I went to sleep and moved your basinette next to my bed. I really wanted to put you next to me and sleep with you in my arms but I was SO afraid that I might drop you while I was sleeping! I would have been horrified - more than horrified! - if I had woken up to find you on the floor! Maybe I should have asked the nurse if there was something we could do, but I couldn't really think properly at the time. I am very thankful, though, that I was able to stay with you for those extra 24 hours. Your dad and I would have been lost without Deborah our midwife!

I realize I haven't written your whole story yet. I think I might be ready to do that soon.

Good night sweet little boy. I will always love you and miss you. You will always be my son and I will always be proud of you.

Black days

Oh how I hate these black days. My days are usually a grayish colour but I'm never too far from black. I haven't had colour or brightness in my life for a long time. I keep striving for it but I never seem to be able to do better than a mid to light gray. I have a cousin who is bi-polar. Sometimes I wish I was bi-polar so that I would at least know what it was like to feel really great, like I can do anything. I know that being bi-polar is not at all easy. In fact, it sucks as much as being chronically, clinically depressed.

With both my pregnancies I prayed to the "powers that be" to let my child live if anything should have to go wrong with my pregnancy. I figure that I've lived this long without really feeling like I'm part of this world so it would be better for me to die and give my babies a chance at a life that is full. Yeah, I know things don't work this way... I know I have no control over these things ... how could I, my second child died inside me a few weeks before he was due and I couldn't do a thing to stop it. He wasn't sick. I wasn't sick. One day he was fine and kicking and the next day his lifeline detached from the placenta and he died. The doctors have no idea why this happened. Of course, I have my own dark, paranoid theories as to why this happened but I'm told that my thoughts are not logical or possible. Would these theories of mine be more logical if I was religious? In Sunday School I was taught that if you weren't a good person you would not be rewarded by Him. You might even be punished. Am I being punished ... because I'm still here?... because I wasn't supposed to be here past the age of thirty (I always believed I would never live to see thirty because the pain of depression was so unbearable)?

I know what I wrote won't make sense. Most of the time my life doesn't make sense to me. I've waded through my confusion for forty years and it gets more difficult with time and life experiences.

Baby boy, I wanted ... and still want you SO much. I'm sorry if anything I did or didn't do took away your life. Please know that I love you and miss you.

Oct. 15th Light a Candle

Candle lit at Kai's memorial in January 2009.

"Lights of Love" International Wave of Light for October 15th Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day

October 15th is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance day.  At 19:00 pm on this night in ALL time zones all over the world participants will be lighting a candle ( in a window if possible ) and leave it burning for at least an hour.  The result is a continuous chain of light spanning the globe for a 24 hour period in honor and remembrance of our children.

I received this notice from a few different sources. It's a beautiful, simple idea for Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Day.

( In Canada, the Federal Government does not recognize October 15th as Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day and I think only two Provincial Governments recognise it.) 

Waves

Siesta Key, Florida 2008

Aargh!

Computer keeps disconnecting from the internet! I don't know enough about these things to trouble shoot the problem! I don't think my brain would be able to handle all the information needed anyway.

Held my second infant last weekend. Our friends daughter is 5 weeks old. She's a beautiful little girl. I held her for about an hour, and I loved it. Of course,  my emotions caught up to me later in the day when things had slowed down. I'm not sure if what I'm doing is good for me. So many people say that even years later they have a difficult time around infants. All I know is that I will get an urge to hold a baby and most of the time I can't. So if the chance arises I take it. I've always loved holding babies. In the back of my mind I know I will feel pretty awful afterwards -the pain of a broken heart, anguish, anger -  but it doesn't seem to matter. I figure that if I feel all those things afterwards, then it must need to come out. I only get anxious before hand, when I know that I will be visiting or when I become aware that there is a baby in the group. I actually feel very contented when I do hold a baby. 

I think to myself: this is what Kai will never get; I hope that he has somehow kept a memory of the times that I held him after he was still born, of how much I loved him in the hours I got to spend with him in the hospital, of how much I still love him and miss him; Kai would be happy that all of my love for him isn't turning into anguish or despair and that the I can share the love I feel for him with these other babies. 

I believe that Kai, like most children, would be glad to know that he is loved and missed. He would not want to be the cause of unending sorrow and anguish. I do not want him to think or feel that! It is really difficult to stay afloat some days, but I'll keep trying.

Empty arms in Haliburton

We went camping last weekend up in Haliburton. This is the view from our campsite. It was my daughter's first camping experience. She wasn't too impressed at first but once we lit a camp fire she seemed to love it! She became "Keeper of the Fire". I brought a picture of Kai to put beside my sleeping bag. It was automatic. Bringing his picture camping was, in some way, a way for me to have both my children camping with us. 

There was a nine month old baby boy at another site. I was able to hold him for a while. It was the first time I had held a baby since Kai. I was fine while I held little A, but later in the day the pain came washing over me and I cried and cried. I wanted so badly to hold that little guy again. It just felt so perfect. Kai would be seven months old as of Friday - the first day of our camping trip.

I am really feeling that "empty arms" symptom now. I hate it! It just reminds me that my son is gone and there is nothing I can do about it. 

I keep thinking of making a doll of Kai. I am creative, i can do basic sewing and I could create a really artistic little bundle for me to hold. Is that creepy? Is it healthy? I don't know. I just want to hold my baby boy that would be seven months old now.

Me and A.

Mother's Day

It's difficult to believe it's Mother's Day. I had imagined celebrating it this year with my two children. No, it never occurred to me that when my pregnancy was over that I would have what people call an "Angel Baby".  

I don't get it. It's been four months since Kai was stillborn and it doesn't make any more sense to me now than it did that snowy Tuesday morning when they told us his heart beat wasn't there. How could my healthy boy just stop breathing. Why didn't someone hint to me that a perfectly healthy pregnancy and baby could result in death! Why did the cord detach from the placenta two weeks before his due date? He looked so healthy and chubby when I delivered him! My head is full of questions that go hurtling through my mind and crash against my skull over and over again. It still seems unreal. If not for the photos of Kai and the fact that my hair is falling out, there would be no clue that I had ever had a second child.  I'm supposed to be breastfeeding him, showing our daughter how to hold him, taking him for walks in the sunshine, singing to him, watching him grow... I just cry over a life that was supposed to have been.

Life goes on and our old routines return - even if we cannot bear it. 

I have to make it myself

This afternoon I finally finished the card I was making for a Mother's Day card exchange. The card is for another woman who lost her infant. It was organised by a woman in Ontario who has also lost a child. I think it's a great project! We sent her our name and address along with our child's name. She then sent each of us another participants name and information. You have to send a Mother's Day card to the mother that you received and it is done in the name of the child that was lost. I made my card. The mother I received lost a little baby girl. I used my handmade rag paper and decorated it with ribbon, a paper butterfly and paper flowers around the butterfly. I tried to make it a girlish card, like one my daughter would pick for me. I hope she likes it!

I'm fearing Mother's Day. It is two days before Kai would have been four months old. I have not booked anything for that day just in case I end up not being able to cope. I hope it doesn't hit me hard like Easter did.

May 5th is Boy's Day in Japan. I'm trying to make a Koi no bori (carp windsock) to hang outside for our son. I guess I could buy one, but I really feel that I need to make it. This would have been his first Boy's Day. We even have a Japanese jinbei for him. When it's done I'll hang the koinobori outside from our Mulberry tree. Probably no one will understand why it's there but I often feel the need to tell people about Kai - that I had a son over the winter and he was stillborn - that I do all of this to comfort myself and to remember him- people don't want to hear sad stories so instead I make these little tributes for Kai and put them out where everyone can see them. This way I feel like I am telling everyone about our baby boy, but at the same time I am not. 

Slide show for Kai's Funeral

This slideshow was created for Kai's funeral. It makes me cry every time I watch it. The style of the photos and the music convey the bittersweet emotions that we are going through.

Marcia Leeder is the photographer. She came to the hospital in the middle of a snow storm to take pictures for us. She is a professional photographer that volunteers her time and skill with the non-profit group "Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep" (NILMDTS). The music is by American 19th century composer Robert Forster and performed by Yo Yo Ma and Alison Krauss. This is one of my most cherished keepsakes from our short time with our son.

Thank you NILMDTS and Marcia! You gave us an invaluable gift.

Easter

This first family holiday was much more difficult than I thought it would be.
My first menstrual cycle has started and my hair is falling out just as it did after our daughter was born. To me these are reminders that I don't have the baby that I was carrying. The baby boy that I was going to be nursing.

All the visions that I'd had of life with a growing baby boy whirred through my head. I looked at my cousin's one year old boy on Good Friday and didn't know if I was going to laugh because he was so adorable, or cry because he reminded me that my son wasn't here for his first family holiday. I became sort of numb to deal with my confusion. The following days were not any better.
This first holiday made me very aware that the baby that we anticipated was gone. An unimaginable feeling of emptiness in my body and heart.

My life never really felt complete. Now it definitely feels like something is missing. Nothing in the world can fill the void that Kai left.

I told my daughter that a parent's love doesn't get divided up when another child is born. Our heart grows larger so that our love will never run out. My heart grew to give Kai love, but he isn't here to receive it. How do I redirect it? What do I do with it, other than mourn my baby?

One Month

In two minutes it will be one month since Kai was born...Jan. 7 @ 12:44 am

I had a wonderful dinner and a movie evening with friends and my family. Now I am home. I'm feeling lost again. As if this isn't where I am supposed to be. How can things feel so normal one moment and then feel so strange, sad and disjointed the next minute? How long will this last? Can I handle it for the six month grieving period that most mothers need to get back into life?

I cannot believe it. A whole month has gone by. In some ways it feels like it has been forever, it's all a distant memory. In other ways it feels as fresh as this morning, like it happened yesterday. It is very confusing.

I miss my little guy SO MUCH... I cannot believe that this happened... when will I wake up from this weird dream?... why can't I feel his absence more acutely?... i feel as if my heart keeps breaking over and over again...



12:49 am- at this time a month ago I had just given birth to my still born son and was hoping that some miracle would happen and I would hear him cry. He didn't cry. I went into deep despair. It stopped my uterus from contracting and closed my cervix so that the placenta could not be expelled. I remember not caring.

I sleep every night holding a pillow as if it were Kai. I'm co-sleeping with a pillow. It's not as soft as Kai's skin... it's not as warm as a real baby... Kai should be a month old and here in my arms, not just his picture... he'll never need his own bedroom... just a memory filled box... I'll never know his personality... his voice... his temperment... him...

How did this happen? When exactly did Kai die? ... Why, why why?... it's so surreal... my stomach is flat, how can my body have forgotten my pregnancy so quickly?... perhaps It wasn't real...just a bad dream... a movie in the recesses of my memory that I saw when I was young... is my memory of my baby going to fade?... everything fades... sometimes I cannot stand the hurt... sometimes I hate myself because my life feels like it has skipped over the last ten months... as if I were never pregnant... I hate life because my baby is not part of it... my first born is here in the living, with me... she helps me to keep trying... she doesn't deserve this sorrow... my poor babies... this is SO very difficult.