Sailing

This is so beautiful. Hugs, tender human contact is so lacking in this world. 

I grew up without hugs and I always wondered if I was loved. I hug my daughter every day at least once. I miss being able to hug my son. Hugging Kai's photo just didn't work for me. Recently we bought a Dick Bruna stuffed toy. It's his little sailor character from one of his stories. The sailor is about the same size as Kai was when he was born. The plush sailor was really difficult to find. 

I think they discontinued making the plush little children characters a while ago. I first saw them 12 years ago when we lived in Japan. At that time I jokingly asked my husband to buy one because then we would have our own little care free baby! 

When Kai was stillborn I thought of the little plush Dick Bruna kids from Japan. We looked all over for such a long time and then we found one at an asian toy collector's store in an asian mall in Toronto. They only had the sailor which was amazing since Kai's name means "the sea" in Hawaiian! He was almost $100.00! but I'm so glad we bought him. I hug my little Dick Bruna sailor and hope that he sets sail on the ocean of a universe and delivers my hugs to Kai.

I miss you SO much sweetpea!!

Holiday Ornament and Gift Exchange

This year I decided to participate in two Holiday exchanges for mom's who have lost their infants. For one exchange we were to send an ornament and for the other a small gift. I decided I would create personalized ornaments for both exchanges. Focusing on creating these ornaments was my way of spending time with Kai.  If not for him I would not be involved in these wonderful little gestures of friendship, sympathy and understanding. I think of him and talk to him while I do these little projects.

Both ornaments were made out of cotton pulp and cast in the shape of a heart. I letterpress printed the infants' names and dates on pieces of my handmade paper and used it as part of the decoration of the heart. I think they turned out quite wonderfully. Now I must make one for Kai and his big sister!

The holidays are so difficult. Even our daughter is finding this Christmas difficult. Yesterday was her last day of school before the holidays. I guess she got sad thinking of  two holidays ago on the last day of school when she was looking forward to playing with her baby brother in the new year. The principal found her crying in the afternoon. Our daughter didn't mention anything to us. We didn't know until we received a telephone call from her principal asking if she was alright. She's almost ten now and I'm guessing that the reality of the death of her baby brother is starting to set in. She started crying again tonight because she missed Kai. I know how she feels. 

Koinobori for Kai

May 5th was Boy's Day in Japan. I made a koinobori (carp wind sock) and hung it outside. Parents hang a carp outside for each son that they have in hopes that they grow strong, determined and resilient. Even though Kai was stillborn, this is one of the things  I was looking forward to doing for him. Hopefully he will enjoy the sight of the koinobori wherever he is. 

I think for next year I will try to make a lighter and larger carp using some silk. This one was a bit heavy so it didn't fly very well.

With the death of our baby I have begun to find all sorts of occasions in which we can do some sort of  project too help us keep Kai in our lives. I'm hoping to start doing some sort of informal memorial keepsake projects at my studio to help other parents that have lost their infants. I'm not sure what projects to do, or when we should get together but it is important to me to reach out to others in similar situations and help them find something to help them keep their child with them. I had a lot of help and guidance when Kai was still born. MY midwife told me that mementoes would be important as well as creating mementoes and memories in the future. She was SO right.