Being strong

I found this in Pinterest. How true. I never thought I could be strong enough to go  through a natural birth knowing that my son was already dead just two weeks before he was due. I also didn't think I would be able to deal with living without him. But I'm still here. trying one day at a time.

Sailing

This is so beautiful. Hugs, tender human contact is so lacking in this world. 

I grew up without hugs and I always wondered if I was loved. I hug my daughter every day at least once. I miss being able to hug my son. Hugging Kai's photo just didn't work for me. Recently we bought a Dick Bruna stuffed toy. It's his little sailor character from one of his stories. The sailor is about the same size as Kai was when he was born. The plush sailor was really difficult to find. 

I think they discontinued making the plush little children characters a while ago. I first saw them 12 years ago when we lived in Japan. At that time I jokingly asked my husband to buy one because then we would have our own little care free baby! 

When Kai was stillborn I thought of the little plush Dick Bruna kids from Japan. We looked all over for such a long time and then we found one at an asian toy collector's store in an asian mall in Toronto. They only had the sailor which was amazing since Kai's name means "the sea" in Hawaiian! He was almost $100.00! but I'm so glad we bought him. I hug my little Dick Bruna sailor and hope that he sets sail on the ocean of a universe and delivers my hugs to Kai.

I miss you SO much sweetpea!!

Dark, Dark, Dark.

I keep trying to get ahead of, and run away from the Darkness that always seems to be stalking me. I've been doing this most of my life. I can never seem to hide from it;  outrun it; it won't go away; It won't give up or die. The Darkness is always just a few steps away, waiting for weakness so it can mess with my head ... and then I believe everything it tells me...