Happy Birthday baby boy!

Today! Jan. 7, 2010 - Happy Birthday Kai sweetheart!

Happy Birthday Kai!

Today is your first birthday. You aren't here to share this day with us but we have chosen to remember you and celebrate the day others were able to meet you! Your sister and I made a Happy 1st Birthday sign, Your dad, sister and I wrote some letters to you and attached them to three balloons that we released by your tree outside. WE hung the sign, 3 plastic butterflies that we made and some ribbon on your tree also. This evening a bunch of our friends who have been very supportive came over for a small Birthday/remembrance get together. We had a Pakistani/Japanese dinner, your dad bought a chocolate birthday cake and we all lit candles and put them around your tree. We are so very lucky that we have friends to share you with!

I realized for the first time what an amazing thing your Uncle Arthur U. did last year when he came to the hospital with snacks for your dad and I while I was waiting for my contractions to get stronger. He didn't have to come - it was a very weird, uncomfortable position to be in - but he put his own fears aside and came to visit anyway! He stayed until almost 10 pm! I said 'Thank you' to him today and I started to cry. That was the first time all day!

It's now after midnight and last year I was still at the hospital. Alex was there to keep me company because your dad had to go home and stay with your sister. Alex held you, which was very brave of her. We talked until late. The nurse came in before I went to sleep and moved your basinette next to my bed. I really wanted to put you next to me and sleep with you in my arms but I was SO afraid that I might drop you while I was sleeping! I would have been horrified - more than horrified! - if I had woken up to find you on the floor! Maybe I should have asked the nurse if there was something we could do, but I couldn't really think properly at the time. I am very thankful, though, that I was able to stay with you for those extra 24 hours. Your dad and I would have been lost without Deborah our midwife!

I realize I haven't written your whole story yet. I think I might be ready to do that soon.

Good night sweet little boy. I will always love you and miss you. You will always be my son and I will always be proud of you.

One year

Old stone bridge in the Poconos Oct. 2009

Tomorrow is the day you were still born.

At this time last year I was waiting for a catheter to fall out so that my contractions would start. I had been put on a pitocin drip at 2 in the afternoon and not much had happened. At 10 in the morning I had found out for certain that Kai had no heartbeat. They never said the word "dead". They just looked sad and told me that he had no heartbeat.

How did one year go buy so quickly and slowly at the same time? I dreaded the Holidays. All I wanted was for time to stop. The coming of Christmas meant, to me, the coming of my son's death. The coming of the end. It was difficult to face the holidays, but I did it and it is now past. The anticipation of how wretched I would feel was much worse than how I actually felt. Yes. Christmas day I really cried hard a few times. I didn't join my family and friends for Christmas dinner. I knew that forcing myself to act fine was not something I could do and I did not want to try. Some people understood this and some did not ...and I was fine with that. Weird. I have spent all of my life trying to keep people happy and not cause waves! Usually I would be fretting about how I was disappointing someone, letting them down or making them angry. I am quite good at beating myself up for this. But not this time. What had changed? Why was I so calm about taking time out for myself? In the two weeks between Christmas and now I have thought a lot about the last year. I've taken a lot of emotional risks since Kai died. I had to if I wanted to survive his death and be in the present with my husband and daughter. I'd already been hospitalized three times in the past for suicide/depression ...I kind of knew that if I didn't take some huge steps in terms of asking for help from friends and family, I probably wouldn't ever recover. For me that was a huge risk. I had always believed that people would only like me if I was a happy person who was always there to help them. If I burdened my friends with my problems or the truth they would drop me - abandon me. The first few 'risks' were the most difficult. Calling a friend to talk at 1 am the day I got home. I was petrified that she would either ignore the phone or tell me she was too tired to talk to me. No one answered. I left a confusing message about Kai being dead and that I had to deliver him after I found out. In my head I thought "See! You have no one! No one wants to here your sob story! No one has time for you! Get it into your brain that you are not meant to be here! Your healthy son died! Isn't that enough proof that you are a loser and supposed to die?" I ended up taking a sleeping pill to calm down and fall asleep. I woke the next morning when my friend called me back and said that she would be at my house in an hour and a half. She lives an hour and a half away! She left her son with her husband and actually came to the city and looked after us for a day and a half! I was shocked that someone, anyone would drop everything to help me! Thank you from the depths of my heart, Karen! That was my first 'risk' and it didn't turn out at all the way I had always believed it would.

Too Sad.

Purple Cone Flowers from Lor's garden.

MY friend sent this poem to me after she read my facebook update. I couldn't pull it together yesterday to go to freelance job.
It isn't hers, but somehow she knew this poem.
It could be Kai and I.

It's sad to know so many women go through this.


Perfect Even In Death

No one remembers,
I cannot say why
Only thing I keep thinking
Is that nobody tried

You were mine, only mine
No one knew you like me
I don't know why He couldn't
Just let you be

We shared so much
In our short time together,
And the time that we shared
Has made memories forever

So much I learned,
So much I lost -
Everything turned, toppled
And tossed

Butterfly flutters, then turns
And kicks . . .
Then, that sad day . . .
Was my mind playing tricks?

No cry, no movement,
not even a Breath . . .
As you lay on my tummy -
Perfect even in death

When I think of you now
At the age you would be,
A beautiful "big boy"
Is the child I see

My son you were,
My son you'll always be
And One -
That is us;
You and Me"

by Lil' Red

Sleep

Kai, I hate this. I wish I could sleep through the next two weeks. I'm having a difficult time holding it together for work. Imiss you SO much.

Black days

Oh how I hate these black days. My days are usually a grayish colour but I'm never too far from black. I haven't had colour or brightness in my life for a long time. I keep striving for it but I never seem to be able to do better than a mid to light gray. I have a cousin who is bi-polar. Sometimes I wish I was bi-polar so that I would at least know what it was like to feel really great, like I can do anything. I know that being bi-polar is not at all easy. In fact, it sucks as much as being chronically, clinically depressed.

With both my pregnancies I prayed to the "powers that be" to let my child live if anything should have to go wrong with my pregnancy. I figure that I've lived this long without really feeling like I'm part of this world so it would be better for me to die and give my babies a chance at a life that is full. Yeah, I know things don't work this way... I know I have no control over these things ... how could I, my second child died inside me a few weeks before he was due and I couldn't do a thing to stop it. He wasn't sick. I wasn't sick. One day he was fine and kicking and the next day his lifeline detached from the placenta and he died. The doctors have no idea why this happened. Of course, I have my own dark, paranoid theories as to why this happened but I'm told that my thoughts are not logical or possible. Would these theories of mine be more logical if I was religious? In Sunday School I was taught that if you weren't a good person you would not be rewarded by Him. You might even be punished. Am I being punished ... because I'm still here?... because I wasn't supposed to be here past the age of thirty (I always believed I would never live to see thirty because the pain of depression was so unbearable)?

I know what I wrote won't make sense. Most of the time my life doesn't make sense to me. I've waded through my confusion for forty years and it gets more difficult with time and life experiences.

Baby boy, I wanted ... and still want you SO much. I'm sorry if anything I did or didn't do took away your life. Please know that I love you and miss you.

"I Resolve"

This was posted on Circle of Moms. I like it. 

In the last 10 months since our son's death I have often berated myself for "Not getting on with life". I constantly have to remind myself (or my therapist reminds me) that i am not expected to get over my son. I have to allow myself whatever feelings I have and I have to allow myself to do whatever I need to do in order to deal with the loss of Kai. It doesn't matter if my family thinks I'm dwelling and making myself sad. It doesn't matter if I cry when I see a happy family with a baby boy. I have to allow myself to freely grieve for however long it takes. This is difficult to do. I was taught that crying was not a mature emotion and that it was a weakness. Unfortunately, many people are taught this and I think it is wrong. All of our emotions are valid and I've found that denying or stifling emotions doesn't help me at all. 

I think I'm going to stick this up beside my bed!

"I RESOLVE" 

THAT I WILL GRIEVE AS MUCH AND FOR AS LONG AS I FEEL LIKE GRIEVING, AND THAT I WILL NOT LET OTHERS PUT A TIMETABLE ON MY GRIEF. 

THAT I WILL GRIEVE IN WHATEVER WAY I FEEL LIKE GRIEVING, AND I WILL IGNORE THOSE WHO TRY TO TELL ME WHAT I SHOULD OR SHOULD NOT BE FEELING AND HOW I SHOULD OR SHOULD NOT BE BEHAVING. 

THAT I WILL CRY WHENEVER AND WHEREVER I FEEL LIKE CRYING, AND THAT I WILL NOT HOLD BACK MY TEARS JUST BECAUSE SOMEONE ELSE FEELS I SHOULD BE "BRAVE" OR "GETTING BETTER" OR "HEALING BY NOW". 

THAT I WILL TALK ABOUT MY CHILD AS OFTEN AS I WANT TO, AND THAT I WILL NOT LET OTHERS TURN ME OFF JUST BECAUSE THEY CAN'T DEAL WITH THEIR OWN FEELINGS. 

THAT I WILL NOT EXPECT FAMILY AND FRIENDS TO KNOW HOW I FEEL, UNDERSTANDING THAT ONE WHO HAS NOT LOST A CHILD CANNOT POSSIBLY KNOW HOW I FEEL. 

THAT I WILL NOT BLAME MYSELF FOR MY CHILD'S DEATH, AND I WILL CONSTATLY REMIND MYSELF THAT I DID THE BEST JOB OF PARENTING I COULD POSSIBLY HAVE DONE. BUT, WHEN FEELINGS OF GUILT ARE OVERWHELMING, I WILL REMIND MYSELF THAT THIS IS NORMAL PART OF THE GRIEF PROCESS AND IT WILL PASS. 

THAT I WILL NOT BE AFRAID OR ASHAMED TO SEEK PROFESSIONAL HELP IF I FEEL IT IS NECESSARY. 

THAT I WILL COMMUNE WITH MY CHILD AT LEAST ONCE A DAY IN WHATEVER WAY FEELS COMFORTABLE AND NATURAL TO ME, AND THAT I WON'T FEEL COMPELLED TO EXPLAIN THIS COMMUNION TO OTHERS OR TO JUSTIFY OR EVEN DISCUSS IT WITH THEM. 

THAT I WILL TRY TO EAT, SLEEP, AND EXERCISE EVERY DAY IN ORDER TO GIVE MY BODY STRENGTH IT WILL NEED TO HELP ME COPE WITH MY GRIEF. 

TO KNOW THAT I WILL HEAL, EVEN THOUGH IT WILL TAKE A LONG TIME. 

TO LET MYSELF HEAL AND NOT FEEL GUILTY ABOUT FEELING BETTER. 

TO REMIND MYSELF THAT THE GRIEF PROCESS IS CIRCUITOUS~THAT IS, I WILL NOT MAKE STEADY UPWARD PROGRESS. AND WHEN I FIND MYSELF SLIPPING BACK INTO THE OLD MOODS OF DESPAIR AND DEPRESSION, I WILL TELL MYSELF THAT "SLIPPING BACKWARD" IS ALSO A NORMAL PART OF THE GRIEF PROCESS AND THESE MOODS, TOO, WILL PASS. 

TO TRY TO BE HAPPY ABOUT SOMETHING FOR SOME PART OF EVERY DAY, KNOWING THAT AT FIRST, I MAY HAVE TO FORCE MYSELF TO THINK CHEEFUL THOUGHTS SO EVENTUALLY THEY CAN BECOME A HABIT. 

THAT I WILL REACH OUT AT TIMES AND TRY TO HELP SOMEONE ELSE, KNOWING THAT HELPING OTHERS WILL HELP ME TO GET OVER MY DEPRESSION. 

THAT EVEN THOUGH MY CHILD IS DEAD, I WILL OPT FOR LIFE, KNOWING THAT IS WHAT MY CHILD WOULD WANT ME TO DO. 

(author unknown) 

First Vacation in the Year of Firsts

We left last Friday for the Poconos. It's a bit of a drive but since Kai died I haven't been working and we don't have the spare cash to fly someplace warm. At least it's pretty and quiet here. We were here two years ago - when we didn't even have the thought that we would lose a child. It has been difficult coming back and seeing some of the same things that we saw two years ago. So much has changed in my life and I had no clue the first time I was here.

I dreaded going on vacation. I felt, again, like I was abandoning Kai. It hurt to think that just three of us would be going away. Last fall when we went on vacation our daughter kept making plans for our vacation this year with her little brother. How we would have to pack the car; where we would stop; how we would have to plan our activities so that her brother could have fun too. All those memories stab me with pain when I think of them. When we left Friday afternoon I was fine. Scared - but fine. My daughter asked that we play my Coldplay, Viva La Vida CD. Great! No Hannah Montana for at least the first little while! When the CD got to the title song I recalled that wonderful Youtube video of the children of PS22 singing the song. Then I recalled that I first saw that video when I was still pregnant. Then I started crying. I looked out the window so that my husband and daughter couldn't see me crying. It bugs me that my husband can't deal with my tears. He just pretends like nothing is happening. It hurts. My daughter hugs me and tries to comfort me - but that is not her job. She's just a little girl. I am glad that she is compassionate, though.

We're staying at a resort that is on the Delaware River. It's beautiful here. The units we are in are older. Probably first built in the '60s or early '70s. Not luxurious, but quaint and at least clean. The units are grouped like houses on a small country road. Lots of open lawn areas, big old trees, and little gardens. I teared up when I looked around. In my mind I saw my family having a picnic under the huge evergreen behind our unit. Our daughter was entertaining her baby brother while my husband and I got the food ready. Over by the river where there is a huge flat area and a swing set I envisioned my husband and daughter playing soccer while I sat and swung gently in the swing with Kai. Is this what is called daydreaming? I wish my mind didn't wander into these fantasies that hurt. How do you stop it? Are you supposed to stop them or is it better for one's mental health to just let them happen and feel all that pain rising in your chest and taking over? It's probably the latter. So far dealing with our son's death in a healthy manner means allowing myself to feel all the horrible, painful emotions of grieving.