It's a gorgeous day outside. Here in the house it's difficult to really feel the happy, bright energy of spring. My midwife just left. It was our last appointment. She was the one other person that shared Kai's growth, death and birth with my husband and I. It's a strange felling. 

I walked back into the house after hugging her and saying good-bye. She said to 'keep in touch', but I can never tell if people really mean it or if it what they feel they should say. She drove off and I walked back up the steps into my home. Two seconds after stepping in the door I felt my heart drop in my chest and tears began to well up in my eyes. I'm still teary eyed as I write this. Why am I crying? I didn't think saying good-bye to my midwife would be so heart wrenching!...

Slide show for Kai's Funeral

This slideshow was created for Kai's funeral. It makes me cry every time I watch it. The style of the photos and the music convey the bittersweet emotions that we are going through.

Marcia Leeder is the photographer. She came to the hospital in the middle of a snow storm to take pictures for us. She is a professional photographer that volunteers her time and skill with the non-profit group "Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep" (NILMDTS). The music is by American 19th century composer Robert Forster and performed by Yo Yo Ma and Alison Krauss. This is one of my most cherished keepsakes from our short time with our son.

Thank you NILMDTS and Marcia! You gave us an invaluable gift.

Easter

This first family holiday was much more difficult than I thought it would be.
My first menstrual cycle has started and my hair is falling out just as it did after our daughter was born. To me these are reminders that I don't have the baby that I was carrying. The baby boy that I was going to be nursing.

All the visions that I'd had of life with a growing baby boy whirred through my head. I looked at my cousin's one year old boy on Good Friday and didn't know if I was going to laugh because he was so adorable, or cry because he reminded me that my son wasn't here for his first family holiday. I became sort of numb to deal with my confusion. The following days were not any better.
This first holiday made me very aware that the baby that we anticipated was gone. An unimaginable feeling of emptiness in my body and heart.

My life never really felt complete. Now it definitely feels like something is missing. Nothing in the world can fill the void that Kai left.

I told my daughter that a parent's love doesn't get divided up when another child is born. Our heart grows larger so that our love will never run out. My heart grew to give Kai love, but he isn't here to receive it. How do I redirect it? What do I do with it, other than mourn my baby?