Hollow

Mossy rocks in the Poconos

I really hate this feeling of hollowness that I get. 

I learned taiko drumming while I lived in Japan and I feel like I'm one of the big drums; I'm big and sturdy, but when something hits me, instead of a wonderful, full, resonating sound I make a hollow plonk noise. That's how life feels to me. I laugh but I feel "plonk"... I smile i feel "plonk"... I try to be engaged with people... but none of it seems real. It all feels like the wisps of air that comes out of your mouth when you speak on a cold day, and then disappears almost instantly. I'm not able to capture any of those feelings and pull them inside myself to fill me up and make me feel whole.

This hollowness has a slightly different feeling than the one I usually experience when I am clinically depressed. Maybe because this one has a real cause that others can (somewhat) understand.

Feelings of anger and pain are whole and real. I accept them. In a way they make me feel, for lack of a more fitting word, better. I don't feel totally hollow... but... it's not an easy feeling.

I miss my baby boy SO much I can't even quantify it. I fear that my daughter might feel that I love Kai more than her. I don't. But I do miss him more. I tell her every day that I love her and she responds with love back. I tell Kai's picture everyday that I love him ... and I feel lost.

We went to see the 3D animated movie "UP" this afternoon. I had been warned that a part in the beginning might be a bit difficult. Well, actually I found 2 parts in the beginning a bit difficult, but the rest of the movie was very enjoyable. The two parts in the beginning are only momentary and they are about loss. The rest of the movie deals with (in a hilarious manner) the old man, Mr. Fredrickson,  slowly overcoming his losses and grief.

I quite liked the movie. We are almost at the point where Kai would be 6 months old. I cried a bit at the two brief glimpses of Mr. F's losses. In a way, it helped me to release some of my grief over the loss of my son. 

Six months later, friends and relatives seem to assume that you are almost back to normal. Nobody calls, nobody visits. Sure, I have longer moments in between feeling overwhelmed by pain and grief, but those heart wrenching moments still appear several times on a daily basis! 

Night time is horrible. It's the end of another day that takes me a day farther away from the time I held my still born son. It reminds me that Kai is not in bed beside me. My hand holding his tiny foot and him contentedly breastfeeding, big eyes staring at my face and slowly closing and opening until he falls asleep. Kai is not here. I will never know what he looked like with his eyes open. I will never know his smile or his voice. I can feel my heart crumble in my chest every time I realise these things.

Weekends are very difficult, too. I'm not sure why. Kai died, most likely on a Monday. Tuesday morning we found out he was dead (technically we were told that "his heart is not beating"). I delivered him in the first hour of a Wednesday morning. All these days are during the week. Do I dread the weekend; because it was the last time Kai was alive? Because it leads up to Monday and finding out he wasn't going to be ours to keep and bring home? Because it's two days with my family at home and yet I still feel totally alone? I'm not sure. I've been asking myself about this for a few weeks. So far my "gut instinct" isn't telling me anything. Unless I can pinpoint the reason I dread the weekends it will be difficult to work through and get past. That is one thing I have learned about myself after 20 years of therapy.

Capturing a Short Life documentary film.

Capturing a Short Life, Canadian Documentary, re-broadcast in Canada 
(check the web site for re-broadcast in the U.S.)

Capturing a Short Life a sensitive portrayal of the difficult, heart wrenching and taboo subject of infant loss and the importance of remembering our babies. I found it very sad yet also uplifting. The NILMDTS photographer is Heather Rivlin of Toronto. Marcia, our wonderful NILMDTS photographer recommended we see it. I'm very glad she did.

Capturing A Short Life will re-broadcast on THE LENS on CBC Newsworld on Tuesday July 21 at 10pm Eastern Time, 1amET and 4amET (that equals 7pm, 10pm & 1am Pacific Time - you need to adjust for other time zones).
(remember this is not the main network CBC, but their Newsworld network)


The website for the film is www.capturingashortlife.com

Memory

It is so much more difficult for me to lose the future (that we had in Kai) than it is to lose the past. The past has memories, relationships, character and mementoes for us to remember it by. 

Kai did not have time in our community of family and friends to form these things that would make up a Memory of him.

Even though I know that it is impossible, my greatest fear is that I will forget about my still born son, Kai.

5 Months

Kai, you would be 5 months old today.
i would be taking you to the park, letting the sun warm your little body. Nara would be telling you about "Little Bear" and reading stories to you. Your dad would be making silly faces at you to see you smile.
I miss you terribly. 
Everyday I wonder why you aren't here with us. 
I know you are gone and there is nothing that will bring you back to us, but it still hurts. 
It will always hurt, I think.
i will always love you and yearn for you.