Tuesday, June 30, 2009


Mossy rocks in the Poconos

I really hate this feeling of hollowness that I get. 

I learned taiko drumming while I lived in Japan and I feel like I'm one of the big drums; I'm big and sturdy, but when something hits me, instead of a wonderful, full, resonating sound I make a hollow plonk noise. That's how life feels to me. I laugh but I feel "plonk"... I smile i feel "plonk"... I try to be engaged with people... but none of it seems real. It all feels like the wisps of air that comes out of your mouth when you speak on a cold day, and then disappears almost instantly. I'm not able to capture any of those feelings and pull them inside myself to fill me up and make me feel whole.

This hollowness has a slightly different feeling than the one I usually experience when I am clinically depressed. Maybe because this one has a real cause that others can (somewhat) understand.

Feelings of anger and pain are whole and real. I accept them. In a way they make me feel, for lack of a more fitting word, better. I don't feel totally hollow... but... it's not an easy feeling.

I miss my baby boy SO much I can't even quantify it. I fear that my daughter might feel that I love Kai more than her. I don't. But I do miss him more. I tell her every day that I love her and she responds with love back. I tell Kai's picture everyday that I love him ... and I feel lost.

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