|A wee snail on the big beach at low tide in Cape Cod. Oct., 2010|
I haven't written anything for a while. Writing doesn't come naturally to me and sometimes I wonder if it's worth it. I still end up missing Kai. On vacation two weeks ago I missed him. He should have been with us, toddling on the beach with his arms out... maybe eating sand. His sister would have had someone to play with and share her discoveries with. This was our second fall vacation without him. Three fall vacations ago he was with us while I was pregnant.
We were so hopeful at that time. It felt safe enough to buy him some baby clothes at Carter's and at Target in Buffalo on our way home. We had NO idea... Those clothes are still in a storage bin on top of the wardrobe in our room. Sometimes I look at the bin and think I should go through it and give his unworn clothes away. I think that, and then I do something else. Anything else. I'm afraid to open that the bin. I imagine it is like Pandora's box. Once I open it all the fears and pain will come out and consume me. Am I strong enough? Probably. Am I brave enough? No. Not yet.