Oct. 15th

Today, Oct. 15th, is International Infant Loss Day. Light a candle in your window at 7 pm until 8 pm in remembrance of all the babies that left their families much too soon. We were going to go down to the beach to light our candle but it is supposed to rain all day. Instead we will join a group remembrance at a hospital in Mississauga.
I love/hate these gatherings.
I hate going because it makes me so sad to see so many people whose lives have been affected by infant loss. I hate going because I don't want to be an Infant Loss parent!
I love going because it gives me a chance to really cry without feeling self conscious or silly. I love going because it gives me a chance to talk to others who have been there and understand that I am not constantly going crazy!
I posted the information as my status on facebook yesterday. Several of my friends wrote back that they will light a candle for Kai. Thank you! It warms my heart to know that some of my friends are caring enough to reply and light a candle. It helps to know that they aren't afraid to mention him, remember him, or do something for him. They are SO wonderful and I am thankful for them.

Why is it like this?

It's SO difficult sometimes!

I go out. I do things. I see people. I still feel bad. I see new mommies everywhere. I see new babies everywhere. I see older new mommies everywhere. I feel like I am being stabbed in the stomach. I feel like I'm being punished for something but I don't know what. I know that I can get through it. But sometimes, like today, I wonder if it I am supposed to. My psych says that I'm thinking this way because I'm getting depressed... uh-huh... I know. I tell myself... I'm amazing... I have two beautiful children (unfortunately the youngest one died before he had a chance to be born!)... I have a caring loving husband... I have a healthy, smart, beautiful daughter... I'm talented... I'm strong... I'm smart.......... and I feel like I'm trying to brainwash myself. Why can't I just be happy with what I have? What is wrong with me?!?!

Stillbirth

...Stillbirth is an "Equal Opportunity Destroyer of Dreams". It cuts across age lines, color lines, race lines, class lines, and all lines. Norman Rockwell type mothers can have stillbirths and "drug addicted mothers" can have live births. At present there's no way to predict who will be next. Though stillbirth is as random as lightening strikes in a thunderstorm it is rarely caused by anything the mother did or didn't do during her pregnancy. 

 It is the last unknown mystery of obstetrics....