2011...

Fallen icicles on Allen St.

uh huh. Feeling kind of numb. Have been for several weeks. Not happy, but no tears. It horrifies me ...but... I look at Kai's pictures and he doesn't seem real. He's a very cute baby... but I feel like the memories I have are from a movie I watched a long time ago. He's the baby from the movie. I don't really feel a direct connection to him. I used to look at his pictures and instantly feel an overwhelming pain and loss. Like I'd lost my heart and needed to get it back at all cost! I'd feel frantic! Numb is less painful... but scarier. I remember this kind of feeling from when I would get extremely depressed. I don't feel extremely depressed. I'm a little confused... Is this normal? ...Am I forgetting my son? ...Am i depressed but not in a way that is familiar to me?... is my mind protecting me? ...Should I try and force the numbness away?

I think this must be what it's like when you start having memory loss in your old age.  It scares me. I don't want to forget my son and the emotions that are connected to him. Yes. Almost are of those emotions are painful ... but I'll never laugh at his questions or be so happy when he takes his first steps... those emotions will never be associated with him because those events will never be happily associated with him. Most of the emotions I have with him are painful. If I lose the first hand knowledge of that pain, do I lose my memory of him? It's not that I want to dwell on the pain of losing him... but that is the emotion I associate with him. It's the one that overshadows all the other emotions I had... the pride that he was so perfect, so healthy looking for a dead baby... the pride I should have felt because I had an almost perfect natural birth (only my baby was already dead, so it wasn't quite so perfect!)...the love my husband, daughter and I had for Kai that I thought would be enough to bring us a "Disney moment"... the love, comfort and support I felt from my midwives, doula and hospital staff... those emotions and feelings all exist with Kai, but still the   emotion that surrounds it all is pain from loss, sadness, guilt, frustration, anger, disbelief...

I know all those emotions are there... I just don't feel any of them right now... why?